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Rose76
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Rose76 Treading water.
 
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Default Feb 02, 2022 at 12:25 AM
  #21
I feel better this evening. If I can get things done tomorrow, I'll be on the path to improved sanity.
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Rose76
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Default Feb 11, 2022 at 10:41 PM
  #22
3 weeks since I started this thread. I have failed to turn things around. I've had some days, here and there, where I seemed to be getting a grip. I just couldn't keep the motor turned over.

Today was bad. I've been in bed all day reading and watching videos. My apartment's a mess.

A sister of mine sent a very nice gift that arrived yesterday. It's a book and DVD set on a topic she knows interests me. She hopes it will help me pass the time. This was so thoughtful of her. I'm invited to go visit and stay with each of my sisters whenever I like. They mean so well.

I don't have the heart to tell them that I'm becoming a mess. They'ld worry. They'ld want to do something. I will go visit when the pandemic subsides more.

Meanwhile, I'm just so sad. I've stopped trying to make things better. Today I've just broke down repeatedly. Back months ago I had a rule: Do at least one constructive thing per day. I stuck with it pretty good for months. It resulted in me enjoying the holiday season. Then my resolve went down the drain.

So here I am - reaping what I sowed. I started neglecting things. So everything around me is in disorder. Today has been just a downhill slide.

I think of contacting my provider. I don't know for what? There's no psych med change that will avail anything. I've tried all that stuff to death in the past. An increase in my supply of pain meds would help. I'm afraid to even ask for that. I take Vicodin twice daily. Nowadays that's considered generous. It's for what's considered mild to moderate degenerative changes here and there - back, neck, knees, etc. Inactivity is probably what's making them feel even worse.

My experience is that depressive episodes don't last forever. Thinking of that is not helping because this is going on too long. Things are harder now because, on top of my chronically recurring depression, I have the loss of my longtime companion, plus the deprivations imposed by COVID. I feel boxed in, with no way to turn to get out of this darkness.

Well, I'll go see if the TV will keep me company for awhile. If I just accomplished a little housework, I'ld probably feel much better.
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Default Feb 11, 2022 at 10:56 PM
  #23
Im so sorry youre experiencing this @Rose76

Its awful to feel that way, Im truly sorry.
And Im so sorry to hear about your boyfriend. Have you been to any grief counselling?

The only thing that got me going when I felt like that was my dog. I had to get up with him because he needed fed and walked.
Have you thought anymore about getting a dog again? It is a lot of work to manage on your own but would the benefits out weigh that? Would your sisters be willing to help you with a dog if you needed?

Would you consider going to stay at your sisters? You mentioned you can stay with them anytime. I know you said you dont want them to worry, but if I were them Id much prefer to know and worry and be able to help look after you than the alternative. Just a thought.

Im so sorry youre having such a horrible time. But youre absolutely right, this is temporary and you have to remember this too, shall pass.
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Rose76
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Default Feb 12, 2022 at 12:48 PM
  #24
I'm thousands of miles distant from my sisters. I had planned to visit them in May. I have hoped that COVID will be less of a threat then. It seems reasonable to hope that.

The dog idea is on hold because I'm failing to even pick up after myself. So I don't want a new responsibility, when I already neglect basic things. In the southwest, we're having a prolonged cold snap that is uncharacteristic of our climate. My furnace can't even keep up with maintaining enough warmth, until after 12 noon. So morning is my worst time. I'm going back to bed now, just to get warm. But, in a few weeks, it will be spring-like. So I try to hope things will get a little easier.

I took a suggestion from a post above to join a facebook support group. They require personal info like full name of deceased and a link to an online obituary. That surprised me and I didn't give that info. So they may not approve me to join.

Thanks for your encouragement. I'll try to view this distress as temporary. I hope you are still enjoying your pooch.
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Default Feb 12, 2022 at 06:05 PM
  #25
I awoke from a restful afternoon nap feeling improved. My quality of sleep at night is awful. I wake up 2 or 3 times every night. Then, usually, I can't sleep during the day. But this nap I just had felt peaceful. I even had a pleasant dream.

If I could do some cleaning up next, I would feel better about myself.
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Default Feb 13, 2022 at 06:18 PM
  #26
Spent today on sofa in front of TV. Ate plenty.

Now I'll do some housework. Maybe change the sheets on my bed. I just want to get into the bed. If I get something accomplished, I'll probably feel better.
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Default Feb 17, 2022 at 03:10 AM
  #27
I did nothing after posting the last note. Continued to do nothing for another two days.

Well, about 8 hours ago, I got a sudden jolt of ambition. I gathered up large bags and baskets of laundry and drove to the laundromat. I got it all done! I even enjoyed doing it. At first, I was only intending to drop it off at a "wash & fold" service. The weather was mild out and I got suddenly ambitious. What a great feeling to have left my hermitage and accomplished something! It feels so good to have regained some self-respect.

Now . . . if I can get up tomorrow . . . and build on this . . . before the momentum drains away . . . I might be on the road to feeling okay again.

I just hope I didn't pick up some COVID bugs. In my life, the ending of a depressive episode is such a great relief. This has been a really bad, long episode. I got to push ahead tomorrow and not slip back.

In between episodes, I do so well. Let this be the start of such an interval. I got to drum up the resolve.
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