[East17]

I posted elsewhere on here that I could empathise with someone who is in the deep dark hole of depression. Like them, I can see what I need to do to help myself, I just don't feel able to take that step.

After years of intense emotional stress, it's like my body and mind no longer wants to function properly. I just want to shut down. Not engage with life anymore. I'm not sure I even care if I pull myself out of it or not.
I always still had a bit of hope left before. Now there's nothing.

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[Yaowen]

I can definitely relate. Depression is so awful. It is such a brutal, brutal illness. There really is no adequate vocabulary to describe it and only the people crushed by it can give a true voice to its devastation. You have a gift for that. I wish I could put things as well as you do. I'm so sorry you are in the depression you describe so poignantly. Your words bring back vivid memories of when I was hospitalized for depression. My heart goes out to you!

Originally Posted by East17

Like them, I can see what I need to do to help myself, I just don't feel able to take that step.

Can relate. I know what I can and probably should do to make my life better, but not only do I not have the energy, I don't care. Every day I pray or ask the universe or whatever, to let me die in my sleep and I just keep waking up the next day. I'll even catch myself feeling positive and optimistic about the future and things I'd like for my life and then I admonish myself. "WTF?! You aren't getting any of that, so stop thinking like that"

Meds have helped the anxiety quite a lot, but now the depression is stepping up to fill the void.

Good luck to all of us.

[Rose76]

Hi East17. I'm sorry that years of being afflicted so bad have got you into this low of a hole. I don't know your particular circumstances, but I know some things in general that often apply to persons who get down really far.

I've known someone who put a tremendous amout of effort into laying the foundation for living successfully. She got knocked down really hard over and over. Yet she'ld get back up and tackle another hard goal, only to have something bad happen. She genuinely had some really bad luck. When someone has applied themselves and keeps ending up with little to show for it, such a person can lose faith that their efforts make any difference. Everyone needs to get a "win" once in a while. In some ways she's given up. But she remains good natured and kind. I give her credit that her soul didn't get completely destroyed. But now she is limited in how tough a challenge she can even try to tackle. She just got made a sucker of too many times.

That story may or may not have anything to do with your own plight. There's a limit to how much discouragement anyond can withstand before you start to lose your resilience. I'm sorry you're so very demoralized. I hope you can find a path up from where you are at. I'm sure it took a lot to get you to where you are at. Sometimes you need to give up for a while. I've been that low in the past . . . where, for awhile, I just stopped even trying. I hope you have some support going through this dark place.

[Fuzzybear]

[Rose76]

May I just add . . . that is the best title for a thread that I've seen in all my years here!

East17 - I suspect you are a gifted with uncommon creativity. You need a good outlet for it.

[Open Eyes]

I know for myself that I have been lied to and cheated and disrespected so badly that all I want to do is sleep. I just feel that something in my brain just won’t engage and turn on anymore. I know that desire to not want to wake up. I actually enjoy when I go into a deep sleep that I hear and feel nothing.

The depression I am experiencing is extreme.