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black-roses
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Default Jan 21, 2022 at 03:20 AM
  #1
So I had my appt at my psychologist it was intense I think I spent an hour talking about me and my mum's relationship. Like how she cares for me and like how deeply sad and worried that I and she feels about me. Like I didn't realize how much of it was from our relationship and like I know she blames me in some way for her problems which makes me feel frustrated and sad. I was just saying how I feel confused because I don't know what to do if I clean the dishes it's not good enough if I sit in a corner, I'm lazy and it's like now I understand why my self esteem is so bad. Like all this time whenever I did something it wasn't good enough never to her standard so I just gave up and that's freaking sad because that ment I gave up me. Talking about all this just feels like I was unloading decades of anxiety. Talking about my mental health history what it was like growing up my previous diagnoses, I think it now makes sense. Like it's the worst feeling in the world feeling anxious and completely useless and feeling like your disabled and need to be taken care of. However in a way I think it's also mum's fault in a way for discouraging me for not encouraging me not building up my self esteem not letting me make mistakes. Like she's so obsessed with perfection that in the end it's just making her daughter feel useless and I wish I didn't have to fight just for her to let me learn for myself that when I cook I should clean. Like I don't even cook coz I know she'd yell at me. Like I completely given up independence for this woman who is never satisfied with me regardless and talking to my counsellor, talking about how my mum was neglected and also not told she was good enough. It's just messed up that this behaviour was passed on to me. Even more sadenning and suffocating that she cares more about some random scam artist. Then wanting to hang out with her daughter. Like I know she feels like I'm a burden and that's like a soul crushing feeling to me and the anxiety I feel. Feeling like I can't do anything because no matter what it's not good enough it sucks and isn't a feeling that I should have felt because we're all humans with talents. She never gave me the chance to learn for myself and feel like at 26 I'm fighting for my emanicaption. Like anyway it makes sense when I have such bad beliefs and relate so messed up to others. I know my dynamic with my mum is not healthy however she won't let me grow up and learn for myself. I feel suffocated I just want to have my own life without all this

Last edited by black-roses; Jan 21, 2022 at 03:58 AM..
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Default Jan 21, 2022 at 03:58 PM
  #2
I think my father was kind of the way you describe your mother and it wasn't that good for my self-esteem. Family dynamics can be so difficult.
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