[dazzle11215]

okay, last week i worked up the nerve to call the counselling center and get on their waiting list

today i called the doctor and i will see him tomorrow night. it will be my first time telling someone how i feel face to face. i'm really scared. really, really scared. i tell myself, so what if he thinks i'm crazy... i feel ****in' crazy ... but in my heart i'm frightened of his rejection. what if he suggests anti-depressants? first, i'm not sure i can afford them, but even more worrying is that a dear friend went on anti-depressants and within 10 days he was dead. he hung himself.

this is not a doctor i know, this will be my first time seeing him. ugh. akkk. akkk akkk akkk.

i'm not going to wimp out of seeing him, since i really really want to beat this depression and i'm prepared to take all the help i can get. but i'm scared. just scared.

c.

[nowheretorun]

sometimes fear is healthy dazzle... just dont let yourself feel more than necessary if you can help it....

wait to see what happens... sorry about your friend, thats awful to hear and think about...

you know the seriousness of the risks... (If) you are given medications, stay alert, come and talk with us, call the doc, you dont have to have the same experience as your friend...

[AAAAA]

dazzle11215,

You took a really big step calling the doctor! That is awesome. It's natural to be afraid, but remember he can't help you if you're not honest with him.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend, but as Nowhere said, YOU are aware of the possible side effects (very rare I do believe) so exercise some self care, if you find yourself in that very dark place or heading in that direction call your doctor immediately.

Please let us know how it went.

[Perna]

Tell the doctor about having an appointment with the counseling center, your friend, and your fears about coming to see him. That will give you something to start with and you can gradually talk a bit more about yourself and how you have been feeling. I think, seeing that you have been working hard to help yourself, have gotten the appointment at the counseling center and all will help him feel as good about you as you should.

[Mayam]

I know exactly how you feel Dazzle, because I am feeling exactly the same right now. I made an appointment a couple weeks ago with a psychiatrist and they set it for Feb. 6. You'd think they would be aware how anxious and scared I am but then to go and set the appointment weeks off for me to obsess and go crazy thinking about it. I keep meaning to call a doctor too but haven't brought myself to do it.

I'm terrified of taking medicine again myself. A few years ago a doctor put me on Effexor and Lithium (I am NOT Bipolar, he was wrong). For months he was giving me samples because I didn't have insurance. Then all of a sudden he says he's out and I have to fill the prescription. It was like $200 or something rediculous. So yeah I just had to stop taking it all of a sudden, which is REAL bad. Long story short I couldn't leave my room, let alone my house for a week. Lost my job, my apartment, my girlfriend. It was a nightmare. They're not doing that to me again.

Not saying that we are wrong for seeking treatment. That's a great thing and a courageous thing. Just saying I understand how you are feeling and I think a little fear of what they can do to you when you trust them to treat a condition like this and they fail. I too had a friend who killed himself 12 years ago who was Bipolar and being treated, it was devestating.

Just keep in mind that they are not gods and not infallible. Ask questions, research the drugs yourself and if you don't want to take something because of potential side effects, tell them. If it seems they aren't listening or are misdiagnosing you, find someone else. No one will ever put some random pill in my hand again. I'm not a car, if they mess up fixing me I don't just break down and end up late to work.

Best of luck to you friend. Let's keep each other posted on how things are. I'm going through it too and I feel pretty damn alone with it. I also feel scared of letting anyone in on anything where I might been seen as weak. I've come to realize that even close friends and family might rather turn there back on you than have to help you through something difficult. That may be my messed up state of mind talking but it's how I really feel. Here, under anonymity, I can share how I really feel though and that may be helpful for all of us here struggling with this.

[Cyran0]

dazzle, I was terrified my first time. But if this doc is good, you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Let us know how it goes.

Cyran0

[dazzle11215]

thanks gang, i really appreciate you taking the time to respond. i'll let you know what happens. i feel such shame at being depressed and suicidal, but this time i'm fighting it by getting some help, and also by letting my friends know how i feel. i've felt this way for a month, but i sat down and wrote my two best friends this afternoon, and emailed my sister, too. i told them what was going on and that i was calling in all the troops to fight this black cloud that has invaded my heart and spirit. i asked for their love and support and i have it. i will keep fighting with everything i have. thanks again.

[dazzle11215]

so i went. i was shaking and scared out of my mind but i went and told the truth. and the doc was great. emergencey referral for a psych assessment tomorrow. he asked all the right questions and even though i have no insurance he found somewhere for me to go and told me the options (admission, day program). i'll just take it as it goes but i am relieved. thanks for your help everyone, c

[Cyran0]

That's great news. Good luck.

Cyran0

[dazzle11215]

its 6:30 pm and he never called today with that referral. i feel much worse. it's prob a sign that i am unfixable. what do i do now?

[nowheretorun]

can you call him?

[dazzle11215]

i find myself completely out of courage. all used up.

[Mayam]

Doctors and lawyers. Their whole world revolves around them. Seriously though, most doctors are very busy people who deal with matters of life and death every day so what is so important and urgent to us is probably not seen that way by them. If he is like most doctors I've met, the nurses do the remembering for him anyway.

At 6:30 pm it is probably too late to call tonight but maybe not. Most doctors have an answering service that you can leave a message with or contact him in case of emergency. If not tonight I would definitely call in the morning.

I can understand why you feel worse. If you are like me minutes seem like hours and we are so scared that any potential problem seems insurmountable. This is not a sign that you are unfixable at all though. The question of why he didn't call has probably been answered in your mind a thousand times and none of them encouraging. Probably none of them right either.

In the mean time I would highly suggest you call one of your friends or your sister. Maybe have them over for dinner? Or go out if you feel up to it (although I suppose it would be about 9:30 pm there now). They support you and this may the time for that support to step in.

We're here too if you need to talk to get your mind off it. Please let us know how it goes.

[Perna]

10:00 your time. You're not unfixable, like Mayam says, they're just very busy. Call and talk to your sister or friends before you go to bed and fix a comfort food/drink and write up a little speech to say so you can call the doctor's office first thing in the morning. The receptionist will probably take the call, they're usually not too scary, and you can just say something like, "The doctor promised me a referral when he saw me yesterday but he must have gotten too busy and I'm anxious to get started; did he by any chance give the referral to you to put in my folder or can you get it from him for me?"

The first time I was told to call a clinic I did and was put on hold and no one ever came back. I held forever until the phone hung itself up :-) and then I didn't know what to do! I was afraid the receptionist would recognize my voice or something and get angry. But it's not like that. At any rate, I was able to call back the person who had referred me to the clinic and ask them what should I do and they gave me the courage to call back again. This time I wasn't put on hold and got the appointment, etc.

Do you have the name of where the doctor was referring you to? He may have meant for you to call there and he would have called them and set it up so they'd know you were calling for an appointment? If you have the name, you could try that, call them for their appointment and if they want to know about referral, tell them the doctor/clinic's name you saw, etc. and they'll call him back and talk to him or whatever?

[dazzle11215]

Thanks. Perna, he said wanted to get me an emergency assessment at the psych unit of our nearest hospital. He told me the name of the hospital, and took my cell phone number and said he'd call and tell me when and where to go. I thought he meant he'd call today. Maybe he had a problem organizing with the hospital as I have no insurance, I don't know. He seemed really worried about me, and told me that once a week counselling was prob not going to be enough and wanted me to start with the psych unit assessment and be open to all the options they offered. He seemed genuinely concerned.

Mayam, you are right I have a million explanations and every single one has to do with why this was a mistake, why I never should have been honest about my feelings, or how I somehow f*cked up again. I am tired and scared and rapidly losing my nerve about getting help. The original plan seems so much easier. I hope to have gained some courage - of the kind that lets me pick up the phone, not the other kind - by morning.

[Mayam]

Keep hanging in there Dazz. There is no real reason for you to lose hope. I know from your perspective you can convince yourself otherwise but really it's not the case. You are going to get the help you need.

I'm not sure how the medical system in Ireland works but in America, there is always someone you can see at the hospital in the event of a psychiatric emergency and you cannot be turned away for lack of money or insurance. Usually they will call in a social worker to interview you too, you can discuss your financial troubles with them and they will help you deal with that as well. You can do this.

Have you called your friends? I really think you should even just to talk about the weather. Sometimes I call a friend for no reason other than to here him tell me how his son destroyed his diaper. I can't really discuss why I'm so down with him but it helps just to think about something else for a little bit.

It's about 11:30pm for you now I think. It's not much longer, really. Perna is right. Call the hospital in the morning or just go down there if you'd like. Explain your situation and let them contact the doctor. At the hospital they spend every day calling doctors and tracking them down, they'll get him on the phone. They're so good at it they pay 'em for it .

We're all here for you. Keep us posted please. You can make it and you will feel better.

[dazzle11215]

hi guys, just enough energy for a quick update. thanks for the help. i was really at a loss as to what to do and of course my thinking/coping skills are quite a bit out of whack at the moment.

i went straight on over to the doctor thurs morning.... he had faxed the referral wednesday; he thought they'd call me but they have some other kind of procedure so didn't. at any rate, the doc said "just go straight over to the hospital" and they can take it from there. which i did.

i don't really feel much better today, but unlike earlier this week i have a huge support network including a doc, the psych, some anti-depressants, a community nurse, and more. they say healing will come with time and some hard work, and i *do* believe them.

i can't thank you enough for your help, i honestly don't think i would have made it through wednesday night without the good sense and compassion of everyone here.

c.

[mlpHolmes]

Dear Dazzle, Congratulations!
For taking the beginning steps to getting well! And you are right we really do care about you!!
Sending healing & kind thoughts. Dream no small dream!
mlpHolmes

[Perna]

I'm glad you now have a support network. Hopefully things will start slowly working out now.

I know about hospital referral mixups. I had to go to the hospital (first time in my life) for a week when I had an infection they couldn't deal with effectively outpatient and the doctor's office said just go there they'd be waiting for me, etc. and I went and they'd never heard of me :-) My husband had dropped me off and I had nothing but my id and a pair of underwear I'd stuffed in my pocket, in case (don't ask me in case of what, I'm with Doh, "be prepared" :-) but they found the doctor's orders and all finally and then didn't have a room ready. Finally they found a room (meanwhile, I'm standing around and doing intake computer stuff in pain) and I went up and found it and it was empty but the bed wasn't made up. No one showed up to "welcome" me or anything, tell me what to do but finally I just got up on the bed to "wait" and sure enough, a nurse came in and asked me if anybody'd helped me. . . I felt like I was in a restaurant with a waitress asking, "Have you been helped yet?" LOL She quickly figured out the make-the-bed and got me organized and in it, it worked out fine. It was listed as a semi-private room but that was because it was across from the nurse's station and had an additional wash basin for doctors to quickly come in and wash their hands (very separate and out of sight of my own full bathroom). It was truly wonderful as I didn't feel lonely being able to hear the bustle going on out the door at the nurse's station and yet it was a very "private" room.

Hope you will keep us up to date on how your programs are going and what's happening with you?