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Rose76
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Trig May 05, 2022 at 11:46 PM
  #1
I've had a lifetime of chronically recurrent depressive episodes. I think that has made me less resilient in the face of some major stressors.

Saturday I went by ambulance to the hospital extremely Ill. My 6th bout of diverticulitis, but way, way worse than all the others. I was septic and had a very low blood pressure (a sign of impending shock.) And I was in horrible pain. For 3 days, I couldn't get out of bed or eat or drink. But on Tues I was improved. Yesterday I was eating and not too uncomfortable. Just weak. They discharged me. I was glad.

Today, I felt way sick again, with constant nausea, even though I had pills for that. I barely can walk to the bathroom. I feel so distressed. I can't even describe it. I'm alone.

I'm too sick to be depressed. But I keep thinking I would rather be dead than go through this again.

Maybe I will recover and feel differently about my life. I never went through anything this bad. I am well aware that people go through much worse. I don't have the makeup for those heroics. I'm a coward who can't stand pain and physical distress. I was just in the hospital in July with severe anemia. They say I have a chronic, slow GI bleed. I don't want this body anymore.
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Heart May 06, 2022 at 04:44 AM
  #2
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Originally Posted by Rose76 View Post
I've had a lifetime of chronically recurrent depressive episodes. I think that has made me less resilient in the face of some major stressors.

Saturday I went by ambulance to the hospital extremely Ill. My 6th bout of diverticulitis, but way, way worse than all the others. I was septic and had a very low blood pressure (a sign of impending shock.) And I was in horrible pain. For 3 days, I couldn't get out of bed or eat or drink. But on Tues I was improved. Yesterday I was eating and not too uncomfortable. Just weak. They discharged me. I was glad.

Today, I felt way sick again, with constant nausea, even though I had pills for that. I barely can walk to the bathroom. I feel so distressed. I can't even describe it. I'm alone.

I'm too sick to be depressed. But I keep thinking I would rather be dead than go through this again.

Maybe I will recover and feel differently about my life. I never went through anything this bad. I am well aware that people go through much worse. I don't have the makeup for those heroics. I'm a coward who can't stand pain and physical distress. I was just in the hospital in July with severe anemia. They say I have a chronic, slow GI bleed. I don't want this body anymore.
Dear Rose, I feel pretty sure I'm not the only one saying prayers & wishing
for a let-up of your suffering. Maybe try to hang onto the reality of the old saying, "this, too, shall pass"? But I know that must feel too far away from you right now. I'm so sorry you're going through this! Hugs & love to you!

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Default May 06, 2022 at 11:46 AM
  #3
I just woke up after sleeping for 5 hours and feel greatly improved. Thanks for your kind words.
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Default May 06, 2022 at 06:01 PM
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I continue to be getting much better real fast. It's pretty incredible. Just spoke with a doctor via Zoom. He wants me to consider surgery as an option. That disturbs me, but I'll meet the surgeon and get educated about pros and cons. I feel like everything is back under control for now.
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Default May 30, 2022 at 10:58 PM
  #5
I am very sick again. I was admitted to the hospital 2 X in May. I don't want to go back a third time.

I'm alone. I don't have the strength for this. I'm cold.
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Default May 30, 2022 at 11:06 PM
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If I went to the ER, I would want to tell them that I can't mentally keep up with this. That will mean nothing to anyone. They won't care about that. Loads of people in there will be suffering worse.

I been very sick since April 29. I can't seem to recover.
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Default May 31, 2022 at 01:06 AM
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I'm so sorry to read that you have been so ill. It sounds incredibly distressing for you. I hope you will feel better soon.

Maybe just finding out about the surgery option would be a good idea, at least it will be a choice you can make once you have all the facts.

With regards to telling them 'I can't mentally keep up with this', perhaps it's not a bad idea to tell them what a detrimental effect these bouts of illness are having on your mental health. The physical and the mental health are intertwined after all.

Thinking of you and wishing you well. xx

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Heart May 31, 2022 at 02:51 AM
  #8
Rose, could it be one of those horrible migraines? Maybe you could google for over the counter remedies for the nausea, etc.? Would Dramamine help maybe?

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Default May 31, 2022 at 06:45 AM
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Rose, could it be one of those horrible migraines? Maybe you could google for over the counter remedies for the nausea, etc.? Would Dramamine help maybe?
No. I am sick with diverticulitis that won't resolve. Intestinal infection.
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Default May 31, 2022 at 06:49 AM
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I'm so sorry to read that you have been so ill. It sounds incredibly distressing for you. I hope you will feel better soon.

Maybe just finding out about the surgery option would be a good idea, at least it will be a choice you can make once you have all the facts.

With regards to telling them 'I can't mentally keep up with this', perhaps it's not a bad idea to tell them what a detrimental effect these bouts of illness are having on your mental health. The physical and the mental health are intertwined after all.

Thinking of you and wishing you well. xx

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I am becoming as sick mentally , as i am physically. I haven't been this sick mentally in 2 years.

I want someone to understand that. They won't really care at the hospital.
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Heart May 31, 2022 at 09:03 AM
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No. I am sick with diverticulitis that won't resolve. Intestinal infection.
I'm sorry I didn't understand, Rose. And I'm so sorry you're suffering like this. I am praying that your immune system's soldiers will be victorious. And that special neurons are sending loving messages throughout your brain & body to nourish your mental health & well-being. Hugs & love to you!!
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Default May 31, 2022 at 10:53 AM
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I'm sorry I didn't understand, Rose. And I'm so sorry you're suffering like this. I am praying that your immune system's soldiers will be victorious. And that special neurons are sending loving messages throughout your brain & body to nourish your mental health & well-being. Hugs & love to you!!
Thank you for trying to better understand. Your post is beautiful and imaginative and I will think those thoughts.

My sister just offered to fly 2000 miles to come see me and help however she could. I'm trying to manage on my own here. I don't want her going thru all that with COVID and all the rigors of travel. I live in a small apt that is not a place I could entertain a guest in any real comfort. Place is a mess cause i been so sick for over a month.

Always, since moving here, I rejoin my family back where they are. I do the flying, and go there, so I see everybody and we're all together. I see beloved cousins. I want to recover and do that this summer. So I turn to social media to cobble together a bit of support. I get some here and in a facebook group for persons with my gastrointestinal disorder.

Kind words that good persons post to me are nuggets of gold that I spend on little parcels of strength that get me from one hour to the next.
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