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Rose76
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Default May 24, 2022 at 01:51 PM
  #1
I am afraid.

I was hositalized twice in the past 3 weeks. It involved pain and suffering. I'm afraid it will happen again.

I'm alone. I was doing okay being alone, but that was when I wasn't sick.

Oh my God, I don't want to be this afraid! I am starting to not cope. People handle so much hardship. I am not strong like so many are. I just want to escape.

I have to pull myself together. I have to somehow. There's got to be a way.

Any kind word would be welcome.
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Heart May 24, 2022 at 03:33 PM
  #2
I'm sorry you find yourself to be in such a difficult scary situation. I hope you find your physical health to be improving day-by-day and your fear subsiding.

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Default May 24, 2022 at 05:42 PM
  #3
@Skeezyks - Thank you for your thoughtful post. It's likely that I will improve. I'm afraid I might relapse again. That fear is awful. I have to stop thinking beyond now.
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Default May 24, 2022 at 05:49 PM
  #4
I’m sorry. That’s hard to have a chronic illness and be alone. That was one of the reasons I moved back to my home state. I hope it doesn’t re-occur. : hug:

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Default May 24, 2022 at 07:35 PM
  #5
@Nammu - has moving back worked out for you?

I could give that some thought. First, I'ld have to recover. I'm from an expensive part of the country. Where I live now, money goes a lot further. I have a car, which I wouldn't be able to bring back to where I'm from. Too far. Would be tough to find housing.

I thought it would be years before I would have to be concerned with being far off on my own.
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Default May 24, 2022 at 07:38 PM
  #6
I am thinking of looking on Care.com to see if I might hire someone to stay with me a few hours within the next few days. My thoughts are getting too troubled. I get feeling desperate.
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Default May 24, 2022 at 07:55 PM
  #7
Yes it’s working out well. I had more resources when I lived in Texas because it was a big city and because there was the school for the deaf. So there were far more interpretation at events. But I moved in with mum so she could stay in her own home. She wouldn’t been able to otherwise. But together we make do. My daughter lives over one town to the west and my sister in a bigger town to the east. I did lose my section 8 and will have trouble finding affordable housing when mum passes. But it’s been very good for me mental health wise and my oldest sister is very grateful for me taking care of mum. We’ve gotten closer chatting on the phone much more often. There’s some things I traded in like weather. Now I have to deal with snow again! That was hard to adjust to. But over all I’m glad I did it. It’s nice to have family close by.

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Default May 24, 2022 at 08:25 PM
  #8
@Nammu - I'm so glad for you that you've benefitted and your family has also benefitted. You have the pride of knowing you are contributing. I'm sure it is much better for your mum to be home, rather than in a facility.

I worked in nursing homes for years. Most are not very good. In 2013, my boyfriend would have had to go in a nursing home. Instead, I basically moved into his place and cared for him till he died in 2020. He was in a senior apartment that was handicap-accessible. It had a great bathroom for a mobility impaired person. Otherwise, I would have wanted to bring him to my place. I liked caring for him because I liked us being together. I had just gotten SSDI in 2012. So I was available. I was so strong and physically capable.

I thought, after he was gone, that I would have many good years to build a life that wasn't all about caregiving. After he died, for 3 and 1/2 months, I went in and out of bad episodes of depression with anxiety that landed me in a psych unit. I did not believe I could cope with the aloneness. But, after that few months, I coped quite well. Lately I was not minding being alone. I was not bored. I had decent health. I just joined a gym.

Then this awful sickness came. The pain, nausea and distress of a severe intestinal infection is hard to describe. The doctor said this could happen again. For some, it becomes chronically recurring. I would rather face a firing squad.

I've been sick before and recovered on my own. For some reason, being alone right now feels frightening.
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Default May 24, 2022 at 08:54 PM
  #9
I worked in nursing homes too, back in the day( 80’s). And although there is more red tape and rules I don’t think they are much better and maybe worse because it’s so hard to get workers that they’ll accept almost anyone.

I’m sure adjusting to being alone after being with someone 24/7 is harder than working and being alone is. It’s just hard. Being alone and suddenly having a re-occurring illness is much harder. I know after my back surgery I was incapable of somethings and being alone and so vulnerable was terrible. I slid into a well of depression and isolated totally. My family couldn’t reach me cause I quit answering the phone and door. They were states away so there wasn’t much they could do. I only sought help when the depression turned into a mixed episode. Then after I recovered I realized how bad it was and that really help me decide to move.

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Default May 24, 2022 at 10:36 PM
  #10
@Nammu - You have quite a history behind you. You've been no stranger to major adversity. Thank you for talking with me about your experiences and for understanding my situation so well. I hope Mum is doing okay. (That sounds so British.). Rest well, yourself.
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Default May 26, 2022 at 04:11 PM
  #11
I am not as awful sick as I was yesterday. Still, I'm too sick to be able to go to the store for a few things. I can manage on what I've got here. I have no one I could ask to get me something. I always was a loner. Wished I wasn't, but we are as we are. Then for 8 years I was caring for my guy. It got to be 24/7. I expected to try and find people to connect with, when my caregiving commitment would be over. But then there was COVID, and I wouldn't risk that. So, past 2 years, social distancing, instead of connecting. So I'm alone.

My one girlfriend is not the type I can turn to for any help. I accept her as she is . . . for 20 years now. She's quite alone too. You'ld think we could have a mutually beneficial alliance. I'm a giver and try to anticipate what anyone I care about might need. She calls me every few days. Never says, "Do you need anything?" She needn't fear being imposed on. She knows I'm not one to use people.

I like my neighbor. She lives alone, but has a very responsible son who checks on her. She has become a friend over the past 24 years, even though she struggles with English. She's had double knee surgery and is on a walker. Obviously, she has enough to do looking after herself.

I'm not hard up with needing anything. I guess Uber will pick stuff up. Maybe I should hire someone thru Care.com. I'm low income, but frugal. I can scrape up for that quite easily.

I guess I've calmed myself down writing this post. I may recover and be as good as I was, which was fine and independent. In time, though, I'll have more health problems. I thought that was years off. It could be next month. My ideas about how to arrange things when I confront the eventual loss of independence do get very dark. They have been for a long time. For now, best to live in the now and not project.

Thanks to anyone who has been able to read this. It helped me to write it.
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Default May 26, 2022 at 07:06 PM
  #12
Yeah i would be lost without amazon and Shipt bringing me foodstuffs.
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Default May 30, 2022 at 04:12 PM
  #13
It's Memorial Day. Families are gathered for cook outs. I don't mind that I'm alone at home. Family called me this morn.

I mind that I am sick again today and I can't decide what to do. Can't eat. Can't drink. Nausea. It won't go away. A whole entire month of not really recovering. Hope is draining out of me.
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