POSSIBLE TRIGGER - marriage and parent issues

Hi,

I've posted a lot on other boards here.

My wife and I have longstanding issues in our marriage. She has dealt with deep depression and physical pain and illness for a long time. That pain was released as anger towards me for probably 10 years. I was blamed for big things, including her inability to complete school and find work. The insults have been really bad at times.

I've kept a lot together for years, including largely raising kids that speak openly about emotions, and who have reached their teens and maintain good friendships, no drugs, ok marks in school. I've stayed employed. Our home is clean and vehicles are running.

My parents have been a big support and source of positivity. They've extended huge financial help at times we needed it. They have ALSO been hyper religious and judgemental. They live hours from us. Their health is failing.

I'm also helping an elderly aunt and uncle with no kids that needed help for a number of health reasons in recent years.

Today, and in general:

- I feel like a failure for needing parental financial support during times my spouse wasn't working. My spouse wouldn't apply for benefits as that was confirmation of their inability to work which was too hard to face. We were going to lose our home.

- feel like a failure for not helping my parents.

- Feel like a failure for not helping my aunt and uncle more. I love them and have appreciated their unquestioning moral support.

- I often hope I'll pass in a few years. My youngest will be graduating by that time. I'm insured like crazy. My family will be fine financially. I'm beyond exhausted.

- I don't do anything for me. There's no time or resources. As my elderly family pass on, I don't know who I will have emotionally; hopefully my kids. I'm not hopeful my life will change. I'm not hopeful my spouse will treat me better. Leaving will bankrupt us both. We genuinely will not afford to live.

I take an antidepressant that helps a lot, but this all remains.

RDM