Just need to vent

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I cant call/text/reach out to any suicide hotline as I am currently at work but that also means I cant actively do anything so Im just getting my thoughts out 🤷*♂️

Im romanticizing suicide, dreaming about it, day dreaming about what I would do and the steps I would take. Of course I know Im too weak to actually go through with it but Im just so stressed right now.

Stuff that used to make me happy feels like static to my brain, or if someone took their nails to a chalkboard over and over again. The low level dysphoria and depression I feel day in and day out is starting to wear on me and I feel trapped where I am.

It doesn't help that Im getting older too, its been one month since my 24th birthday and Im still in the same place I was 4 years ago. I feel like Im undesirable now, too old to be wanted for some reason and Im not even sure why I feel this way. I know realistically thats false but some part of me feels too old to have anyone genuinely want me, that my prime was when I was 18-22. I feel unripe.

And whats worse is with every year I dont transition is another year wasted. In this gross flabby body I hate, with curves and features that betray what I want to be. I just want to be happy, to have a body I enjoy. But at this rate dying seems the better option. Its hard to see the point

I'm so very sorry you are in this situation.

I was helped enormously by medication my doctor prescribed. It actually saved my life. Not that the medication changed the negatives in my life, and there were so many. But it made them into challenges that I was eager to take on. It gave me great hope and allowed me to have joy of living and peace of mind again even in the midst of my loses.

Are you in the care of a kindly physician?

My depressed and hopeless feelings were so bad and the suicidal thoughts and desires were so strong that I was nearly catatonic and so I checked myself into the hospital.

This action which was kind of scary at first provided me with tremendous support by many physicians and many fellow sufferers.

There is a saying about having suicidal thoughts. If one asks "is it time to go to the hospital, then it is time to go."

We here on the Forums are not doctors or medical professionals or suicide counselors. We are just fellow sufferers of terrible losses or failures or crushing disappointments or feelings of being trapped in inescapable hopelessness. You have posted often here so I think you understand this from personal experience at this site.

I wish I knew how to help you. I have probably read some of your posts here but my memory is failing.

Hopefully other members here will see your post and respond to it with the more helpful words than my poor pathetic words.

It is so hard to know what to say to someone having suicidal fantasies and it is sadly so easy to make them feel worse rather than better. My deepest, deepest apologies if anything I have said has not been helpful to you or made you feel worse. Please know that I feel for you and that even though I lack wisdom by heart really goes out to you! ! ! Sincerely Yao Wen

I'm sorry you are so depressed. i can relate to not being happy in my body. But, don't take this wrong... I'm old.... it's the way it is and there's not much i can change. I used to weigh a lot and now have no choice but to put up with skin that doesn't look good. i'm not minimizing how you feel, i get it. When i was your age i didn't like myself then either, but now i look back and think 'what on earth was i so critical about myself for, i thought i was fat and ugly and now i see i wasn't. Body is one thing, personality is another and that is more important i think.... and you are young, i hope you learn to accept yourself as you are. many people will see beauty in you that you cant see in yourself. Depression makes all of those thoughts worse. i wish you the best, and i also apologize if my words are not helpful.