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Rose76
Treading water.
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: USA
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#1
I'm depressed. I'm not sure why.
Last evening I visited with my neighbor, who has been acting very friendly towards me lately. She invited me over, and I was glad, thinking I could use another friend in my life. She got to telling me things about her past. I shared some things about myself. It soon became apparent that she wanted to be listened to and was far less interested in doing any listening. So I listened a long while. I left feeling drained. Today she phoned me and seemed to want me to stop by again. I didn't. This has been a recurring pattern in my life. I've tended to attract people who are emotionally needy. These are people, like my neighbor, who seem hungry for attention and want someone to commiserate with them. But they don't reciprocate. I'm tired of feeling used by people like that. My neighbor has been saying that we should get together for morning coffee more often. We both live alone. It sounded like a nice invitation, but now I'm turned off. Have you ever experienced someone chewing your ear off and sucking the life out of you with their need for attention? How do you handle it? I guess I have to set limits and boundaries. Like, I might set 30 minutes as the longest I'll stay in a conversation with her. I'm disappointed to think I have to ration the attention I give her and only dole out so much. She knows I was in the hospital recently but never asks how my own health issues are doing. I think that visit yesterday is part of why I feel so down today. I don't want to withdraw from people and become more reclusive. But I don't want this pattern to continue. I have to shake off this down hearted feeling. |
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Discombobulated, Fuzzybear, mote.of.soul
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Grand Magnate
Discombobulated
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#2
Odds are you are an empathetic good listener, I seem to recall you’re a retired nurse so that would fit.
I get this too, and for me there isn’t any hard and fast rules because a lot depends upon the person and my relationship with them. I do have a couple of friends who do offload a lot, but I like them as people and so for me I tolerate that within reason, these are long held friendships. If it were someone I’d just met I’d be less tolerant. I think being aware of how you feel after spending time with a person is important. You write you feel downhearted. That’s natural, you spent time with a person who didn’t seem to listen or pay heed to any of the things you’ve been going through. Your needs weren’t acknowledged by her. Setting time boundaries seems a very good idea at the least, you might choose not to develop this any further, you aren’t obligated to. I understand you’re in a place where you’re finding your way socially again, that’s great news, but finding more of the type of people who are reciprocal with their conversation seems wise. Trial and error is the only way I’ve found of doing this. |
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Fuzzybear, Rose76
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Legendary
Rose76
Treading water.
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 12,404
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#3
@Discombobulated I think you've understood my disappointment very well. Thanks for giving it some thought. I guess you're right. We try out contacts and see what happens. Trial and error. I'm not obligated to be at this person's disposal. I think I won't be.
To set a limit and pull away from someone who is lonely and wanting sympathy is hard for me. I see my neighbor's virtues and I do like her. But I also see how she has probably alienated people. She can be critical and self-absorbed. She does a lot of whining. I feel bad for her. Her life has been hard. I think everone's life is hard. I can only listen to so many sad stories. I recently pulled away from another friendship where this person was calling me up a lot to fill some of her empty hours. I'ld come to think of her as a kind of parasite. I know that sounds harsh. But people who seek attention and don't really offer any in return can be so draining. I suppose it's up to me to set limits and stick to them. |
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Elder Harridan x-hankster
unaluna
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#4
I wonder what others can offer me, that would be something i would sacrifice to receive.
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Rose76
Treading water.
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Location: USA
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#5
I realize that I was in a line of work where being emotionally supportive is part of the job. I'm a retired nurse. Maybe I've had more practice responding to need than a lot of people get. Still that doesn't explain to me how some people can be so focused on themselves. My neighbor raised 3 kids. She knows what it is to be needed. It seems she was a good mother. Her adult children seem very loving toward her.
I think, sometimes, these types of people think I'm a fool. They see it's easy to get and hold my attention, so they seem to figure they might as well help themselves to all the attention they can soak up. Last night, when I would start telling her something about me, she would turn her head 90°. Her chin would be over her shoulder and she would be looking sideways. It seemed she was pondering what she would say next, when she got the floor again. Thinking about this is making me a little angry. People who do this are not merely needy. They are at least a little bit greedy. They even have a certain skill. They know how to not encourage the other person to talk. They carefully refrain from asking follow up questions. They hang back and wait, knowing that I'll keep the conversation going by giving them something to verbally springboard off of. All they have to do is wait. My neighbor is actually more skilled in interaction than I am. (Most people are.) She knows how to control the encounter, so that she gets what she wants out of it. I'm really sick of people doing that to me. It happens because I let it. I refuse to keep being such an easy mark. Change means I have to be willing to walk away. I try to wait for a break in the conversation where I can wind down the conversation. But these kind of folks are skilled at segging from one topic to another, in such a way that you almost have to be rude to make an exit. I have to remember that my time belongs to me. When you signal that you need to wind down and withdraw, and the other person ignores the signal, it's they who are rude. They are saying, "No, I'm not finished with you yet. I'm not ready, nor willing, to release you yet." When I go along with that, I am being a fool. I probably sound nuts, but I really think I get taken advantage of. Analyzing it the way I have is helping me figure out how to not stay in this pattern. |
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Mad Walker
mote.of.soul
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#6
Hey there Rose76.👋
I think, at the end of the day, it's okay to seek certain qualities in friends; qualities which bring you a sense of connection and support, definitely. To me, that important as well, it's important for a lot of people I'm sure of it. There could be a million and one reasons why a person might be more self focused than you are in that respect, so I wouldn't trouble myself too much looking for answers to that. We're just all different really, that's all I can come up with. I guess I'm saying phase those ones out for your own well-being.🙏 __________________ "A flower falls, even though we love it; and a weed grows, even though we do not love it."- Dōgen
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#7
Hi Rose, I have been into an almost similar situation. I tried to be kind to the person when saying "NO", but the person didn't like my "no". She was reallly angry at me. To all luck this was on facebook. I didn't have to answer.
So is life. It is not every person we connect with and that is OK as long as it benefit our health. __________________ There is always hope ... |
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Rose76
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Legendary
Rose76
Treading water.
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Location: USA
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#8
Here's a saying I think most of us have heard. It goes: "You teach people how to treat you." The longer I live, the more I see the truth in that. There is such a thing as making yourself too available.
I know I've done that. I can't totally fault others. I give off mixed signals. When someone imposes on me and I reward them, they're likely to keep doing it. I hate to cut anyone short. I've had people call me up and want to stay on the phone for hours. And I went along with it because they seemed so in need of a shoulder. I'm not really helping anyone by listening so long that my arm hurts and my ear gets sore. I'm accompanying this person down a dead end road. If I stop doing that, I may come off as abrupt at first. But practice makes perfect. I trust I'll get better at finding a reasonably gracious way to acknowledge another person, respond . . . and move on, when enough should be enough. |
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Grand Magnate
Discombobulated
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#9
Quote:
I think you’re raising a good point about it not really helping anyone, sometimes it seems to feed negativity. |
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Rose76
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Rosi700
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#10
Quote:
I agree! To teach people how to treat you is the "thing", in a good way of course. I think that often it is our wish to be kind that sometime make people misinterpreat us. May be rehearsals in front of a mirror can help! __________________ There is always hope ... |
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Rose76
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Wisest Elder Ever
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#11
Quote:
I've said ''no'' to people in a gentle way and been attacked. Those people are worse than ''needy''.. __________________ |
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Discombobulated, Rosi700
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Legendary
Rose76
Treading water.
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 12,404
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#12
Quote:
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Discombobulated, unaluna
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Rosi700
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#13
Quote:
May be what you need is to set boundaries around youself! She probably thinks she helps you (save you from some sort of isolation). There are two Christian Psychologists (Cloud and Towswnd) that has written books about boundaries. Physical activity, beieng with others and so on is part of making depression less harmful. If I were you I would have told her that you apreciate her consern (to make her feel noticed as somebody who wish you well) and then that said that you need to go in youir own tempo. __________________ There is always hope ... |
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Grand Magnate
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#14
I don’t much care for people telling others what they ‘need’ to do - can understand you feeling this way. I like the idea of saying you’re going at your own tempo.
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Rose76
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Legendary
Rose76
Treading water.
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: USA
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#15
Thank you for the additional posts above. It's been so nice to be given some attention and understanding. You've offered good suggestions.
I'm continuing to be friendly with my neighbor, but I'm stepping away from her when I need to. I have a lot to learn about managing interactions with others. It takes practice and realizing that I have a right to consider what is fair to me. |
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Discombobulated
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Silent Void
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#16
Rose, you are patient, which is a real virtue. After she gave you unsolicited advice I'd have told her where the bear sh*ts in the buckwheat.
__________________ Shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods . . . |
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Rose76
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Rose76
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Legendary
Rose76
Treading water.
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 12,404
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#17
I have empathy for lonely people because I'm introverted, and I know the pain of feeling socially isolated. So, yes, I tend to be patient with persons who seem in need of being listened to. Unfortunately, people like that often over-rely on any one source of attention they find. They glom on. That gets burdensome. I have to strike some balance between being available and not getting taken advantage of. I guess it takes practice.
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Discombobulated
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