I need some encouragement.

We all have the need to be appreciated and welcomed. Hope you don't have to sit alone at Christmas, but may be it is wise to have a plan B, just in case.

How can you make a good Christmas alone? There are lots of people who have to be alone. May be it can help on the "I am worth something"- feeling to make a different Christmas with a new menu and do other things then usual? It is just a suggestion, but may be it is better to have an alternative plan then to be caught off guard and sit there in a flow of old and sad feelings (if you have to be alone).

@Rosi700 - It will be an okay Christmas, if I just have my place neat and clean. And make myself a nice dinner. Maybe go to church.

I never did put away the boxes last evening. I did nothing. This morning I woke up with terrible anxiety that I am really falling apart. I was becoming a nervous wreck.

But I've calmed down. Today is another day. I can do today what I failed to do yesterday. I don't have to fall apart. It's useless to get mad at myself for not doing things sooner. Yesterday is over. I can't change it. It's a week till Christmas. It doesn't have to be a bad week just because the past 7 days were a bad week. I need to have a little faith in myself. I feel like I've lost that.

Now I'll have some tea and Panettone. Then I can put away the boxes. Maybe this evening I'll go somewhere to look at Christmas lights. It's not too late to give myself a pleasant week before Christmas. If I make a small ham and sweet potatoes on Christmas, I will enjoy that.

The main thing seems to be that I have to stop being mad at myself. For some reason, I fell into a bad episode of depression. I didn't ask for it. I didn't do anything nasty that I need to feel guilty about. I have felt awful guilty . . . like I don't deserve to have any respect for myself. I have felt like it is a disgrace for me to have gotten depressed, when many people cope with much worse problems and don't get all blue that things aren't better. That train of thought is making me worse. Since my boyfriend died in 2020, I have recovered from grief and I've managed to not be depressed for a lot of the past 2 years. So, if I got through that, I can get through this. I think I'll try being nice to myself for awhile today. I'll tell myself that any little thing I get done is something to be happy about. Something is better than nothing, even just little somethings.

I didn't intend to continue this thread, and I thought I'ld be over this tailspin by now. But I'm not.

For some months, I'ld been on a reduced dosage of amitriptyline, an antidepressant. (I went from 60 mg to 45 mg.) I think I better go back to a higher dose.

It's been feeling like I'm stuck in this trough. When I make myself get up and do things, I do feel better. But it doesn't last. I keep slipping back down. That's not my usual patten, which is why I'm concerned. I feel like I need help.

I don't doubt that I can get better. It's just taking too long.

It’s good you’re thinking about and being proactive with your meds. Hoping a bump up on the amitriptyline will help you get some momentum going.

Would you be able to have a chat when you request the higher dose about this being different to your normal pattern?

It may be a while before I can get in to see my primary. I should call today.

I need to go to the store for a few things. It's very hard for me to do anything that makes any sense.

One of my sisters called and was very nice. I believe my other sister is mad at me and won't call. I've felt so awful that she's been giving me the cold shoulder. Stewing about it is not doing me any good.

If I go to the store, I'll feel a little better. This has ruined Christmas for me. I just have to get over it.

I made a good dinner for myself on Christmas. The day wasn't too bad. I'm very depressed today.

I thought about calling for an appointment with my PCP. I decided against it today. I feel really stuck.

I keep hoping this will just blow over. That's what usually happens.

I worry that, if I report being depressed to my PCP, she might send me to the psych clinic for any med adjustment. She might decide not to continue ordering my antidepressant, but want that to be done by the psych department.

I used to get my psych care at that clinic, and I came to hate the place. I would dread going back there.

I feel like there's no good option. I wish there were someone trustworthy I could talk to.

Am sorry for you Rose! Is there any way you can follow the development of your depression? I mean that if you have a tool that tells you if it goes the right or wrong way, it will be more easy to take the decision about what to do.


I have found that apps for bipolar works well for depressed people generally (at least for me).


If you feel it is worth the effort I can reccomend "Dailo". With this app one can fill in some selfmade items to measure as well. "eMoods" seem to help to spesify more. If the thought of registrating appeals to you, you can google for moodtracker apps yourself.

I wish you all the best and that you will find out if you need a to contact your PCP or not (with or without an app)!

Thanks for that suggestion. I'll look up some apps.

I'm aware of how things are going just from how I'm doing. My posts here at MSF give me a good enough record. "Tailspins" always blow over. I can look at old threads here to confirm that, which I may do to try and bolster hope.

So wise!

Usually I go out every day to get out of the house, even if it's just to the store for some milk and bread. I get in the car, and I go somewhere and check out something. Today is 3 days straight that I've not left the house. It feels like I've been in here for a month. I'm getting loony.

If I don't improve tomorrow, then I'm really stuck in a mental quagmire. My experience accessing professional mental health services has been that most of it is not too helpful. Basically, I just want to get my dosage of amitriptyline upped. For that, I should talk to my primary. She's a P.A. She orders all my meds. I'm taking more on my own right now. That should be alright because what I take isn't much. Any psychiatrist would readily up it. Upping it might not help a lot, but it's worth trying. I just don't want to get referred over to that psych clinic. The place creeps me out. It's government run. It's the psych care provider of last resort, with cops bringing people there all the time. The place is over-burdened, and they're not eager for more clients. Ten years ago, I was being seen there for med-management. The psychiatrist decided that my treatment goal should be to stop coming there. I've been happy to oblige for the past decade.

I need to go out to pick up a prescription refill. It's so hard for me to dress and go out. This is awful. After 5 p.m. already.

I did talk to my clinic where I get primary care. No appointments available till March.

I'm getting nowhere figuring out how to pull out of this slump.

The reality is I need to just start doing all that I've been neglecting.

March???? What if you are sick, are you suppose to just be sick till March? I keep reading these things on the forum that people can’t see regular GPs for months and I just can’t wrap my mind. Who do you suppose to see if you are sick?

Oh my ... Are there no emergency appointments? At the office of my GP there are set apart special times for emergencey every day. It works after the "first to the mill" principle and the phone opens at 08:00 am. In addition to that I can send a message to my GP on their message system, so If I thought that my meds were the problem I could have sent a message and I would have got an answer in a couple of days and probably a new prescription. The price is the same for an appointment at the office and for a quick writing about a known topic.

In case you need it:

A link to a general help-line USA:
Crisis Text Line | Text HOME To 741741 free, 24/7 Crisis Counseling

Emergency numbers aroud the world:
≡ Emergency Numbers List: 911, 112 & 999 Numbers Worldwide

It may help to do something, but please do not selfblame. As I have told before my best helper is a schedule. May be that may help you as well. You don't have to put much at it, only a few things to get you into slow motion. Apps with reminders may be of some help as well.

Urgent Care.

I remember when a doctor would return all phone calls to patients and decide over the phone to make a med adjustment. Those days are long gone - in my neck of the woods.

My PCP is a P.A. This summer, I felt very sick and called. My primary's nurse told me to go to Urgent Care. Urgent Care told me to go to the ER. The ER decided I needed to be admitted. (My belly pain was diverticulitis.) That, actually, was a good outcome.

No one at Urgent Care is going to make a dosage change in my antidepressant. They'll tell me to wait to see my primary. If I seem emotionally distressed, Urgent Care would send me to the Crisis Unit at the psych facility. The psych crisis staff would tell me that this is not a crisis and that I should wait to see my primary.

If I wanted to try harder to see my primary, I would have to give a reason to a scheduling clerk. I do not like to discuss a psych issue with a clerk. I could tell the clerk I want to discuss the nature of my request with a nurse. Then I could tell the nurse that I have felt very mentally distressed. Most likely, the nurse would then tell me to go to the Psych Crisis Unit. No pdoc there is going to make a med adjustment without me getting a full psych eval. To get that will probably take longer than to get in to see my primary. Plus, I hate the Psych facility and will avoid that place at all costs.

There is a psychiatrist who does some med management at my primary care clinic. He used to manage my psych meds. In 2020, 3 weeks after my boyfriend died, I contacted him to say I was becoming seriously depressed and intensely anxious. After 5 minutes of conversation, he said that my only problem was grief and that I did not need any further psych help. He was very curt and practically hung up on me. A few days later, police sent by my sister, did a "wellness check." They found me in a mess, crying hysterically, and took me to a hospital ER not connected with where I normally get my care. That ER found that my nervous stomach, which I thought was jittery from grief, was a serious intestinal infection. Plus they felt I was very depressed and sent me to a nice, small psych hospital that I'ld never heard of. Since I admitted to owning 3 handguns, that psych hospital kept me inpatient and treated my infection with two antibiotics. I was discharged 6 days later, feeling much better and able to cope.

To be utterly alone after the death of a spouse or significant other is brutal. Immediately after the funeral in New York, I had to fly back here to empty out his apartment. Out here (in the Southwest) where we both were living, we had no family. After I finished that job all by myself, with some help I hired, I mentally became unglued. The infection probably was a factor also in my coping capacity failing me.

When I lived in the Northeast, I always had ready access to an attending physician and to a consulting psychiatrist. Of course, that was a long time ago. Also, the delivery of medical care in the area around NYC has evolved rather slowly. It is also an area where the ratio of physicians to population is quite high. Out here, in the Wild West, it's a whole other story.

As a nurse working in nursing homes near NYC, I would be responsible for 15 to 30 parients. Out here, I would be assigned 45 to 60 patients. To escape that grueling workload, I switched to working in correctional facilities, where the typical environment was much nicer than in the typical nursing home. (That ought to tell you something.)

Thanks for listening, anyone who's managed to get through this.

Here where I live, in the system that I use, no one has ready access to a provider with MD after their name. Primary providers are mostly physician's assistants and nurse practitioners. Even they are hard to get in to see. "Emergencies" tend to get deflected toward urgent care.

We have a messaging system, whereby texts can be transmitted between providers and patients. I use that to the max. However, it is not allowed to seek medical treatment through this system. In Aug, I texted a request for a refill of an antifungal cream for a crack in the corner of my mouth that my primary had treated in the past. I got a text back from the office nurse admonishing me not to send any texts asking for any med orders. "The primary has to see you for that." The system you have for texting sounds great. Not how ours operates.

Though all my providers/doctors work for the same university hospital employer, they're not good at communicating with each other. Since being sick this summer, I see a number of specialists. My primary asked me to send her texts explaining what any of the specialists tell me. Then that cues her to read their notes. She also asked me to text her, whenever I get admitted to the hospital. The hospital is supposed to automatically notify her, but often they don't. That's the role the texts play. Kind of crazy.

I have to go get another prescription. I seem to be improving.

Ran two errands. Now, if I straighten up my place, I will likely feel better. Dishes are done.

I was back in the ER in Nov, with a bleeding ulcer. That healed well. Then in Dec, I had GI pain again, but it only lasted a day. It was the day after that that I became mildly depressed. Around then it became clearer that one of my sisters was avoiding me. I've recovered from the pain of losing my S.O., but I haven't made other connections. I'm spending too much time alone. In '21, that was deliberate because of COVID. I tolerated that well because I thought it was temporary. Then, I realized that COVID will be ongoing for years, so I planned to find activities to join in the spring. Instead, I got extremely sick in April. I didn't recover until Sept. Then I got worried again about respiratory illnesses, as it was discovered I had some lung damage. But, mentally, I was pretty ok, until Dec. Then I think the isolation, along with the other stressors, started to take a toll.

I'm basically functional enough to pull myself together. I do have to put down the remote and the smart phone and push myself to do things.

@Rosi700 - your suggestions about a schedule and comitting to a modest set of goals is the best advice, I do believe. Then sticking with that could be a help against relapsing.

I think I'll go to GooglePlayStore and shop some apps.

I'm not pulling myself together. I better try to do something.