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Default Dec 05, 2022 at 04:44 PM
  #1
I've gotten depressed . . . again. These "tailspins" eventually blow over. But this one is happening pretty soon after the last one. So I'm in fear that as fast as I climb out of the trough, I'll tumble back in again. I'm spending too much time alone in my apartment.

My boyfriend of many years died in 2020, so this will be my 3rd Christmas alone. (I have no family nearby.) I did very well the last two Christmases. I put up a very pretty tree and lights outside and other decorations. I really got into the spirit and loved my apartment looking all sparkly with pretty things. I posted pictures for my distant family to see and got nice compliments from them.

This weekend I did nothing. Yesterday, I laid around all day feeling zero interest in Christmas. I feel like it's a waste to spend so much effort decorating when no one will be visiting me. Last two years I was very happy to do it just for myself. I don't know why I'm so different this year - like the bottom fell out of my life.

I think it's the aloneness. I had planned to visit my family in 2022, but I was in and out of the hospital. (They're 2000 miles away.) I went to the ER 5 times since April. I got admitted 3 of those times. I needed blood transfusions the last 2 times. I was back in the ER Nov 3rd, after vomiting blood from a bleeding ulcer. Last week I went in for intravenous iron to prevent anemia coming back. I feel fine now in that regard. Endoscopy showed that the ulcer completely healed, and I'm not anemic. So I'm doing well physically. I got almost caught up on pre-holiday house cleaning. Still, I'm blue. Since last night, I've had several brief weepy spells.

I recovered from the intense grief that I felt back in the first few months after my loss. But there's been other losses. One of my sisters has been ignoring me since July because I declined her invitation to go stay with her soon as I got out of the hospital. She pressured me so much, I had a nighmare after the phone call. I told her next day that she upset me. So now she doesn't call at all. My closest friend stopped getting COVID vaccinations "because they don't work." We used to have holiday dinners together. Since she won't get vaccinated, I won't visit her or invite her over. Over the years, quite a few other friends moved out of state in one direction or another. So I'm more alone than ever before. Then this health issue that kept popping up got the better of me. A surgeon wants to operate on my stomach. I hate the thought of that. I've declined the surgery for now to see if the ulcer might not come back.

I know it's up to me to make new connections. I'm retired and could donate my time to something worthwhile. There are activities I could join. I haven't made the effort.

On the check-in thread, someone made the suggestion of committing to some sort of daily plan, even to just a short set of small goals. I do think that is the only way to rescue myself. It's just so hard to even start. I had gotten so demoralized.

I know from experience that it often gets much easier once I make the initial effort. I will try now, so today won't be totally wasted.

Any encouragement from anyone would help to interrupt irrational thinking where I start telling myself nothing I do will matter, and my life will not get better.
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Default Dec 06, 2022 at 12:46 PM
  #2
I am so very sorry you are suffering. Loneliness can be so brutal. There really isn't a vocabulary to adequately describe how awful it can feel.

One of the things that helps people in general is to feel that they are not the only ones going through a certain struggle. So your post today will help members here going through the same or similar situations as yours. It will also help the many people who read these post anonymously. It helps me too.

That is a tremendous gift to give to others. No one who would give such a gift could be a person who "doesn't matter." You matter plenty!

I have been helped by reading posts like yours. Once when I was in one of my darkest depressions, reading posts here kept me going and saved my life.

Saving someone's life is probably the greatest thing a human being can do in life, so I think of you as a very noble and heroic person.

Wish I knew how to help with your loneliness. I lean on people here for friendship and understanding and it helps me.

I am so sorry for your losses and your health problems. Those must be incredibly heavy burdens to bear, crushingly heavy.

Hope you will keep posting here so you will not be all alone with your pain.

Sorry for not knowing how to be helpful to you. My heart goes out to you!
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Default Dec 06, 2022 at 12:48 PM
  #3
I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. But I'm familiar with quite a bit of what you wrote. (I'll spare you the details.)

I know, in my own case, routine has become very important to me. With a few minor exceptions, I pretty-much do the same things in the same order every day. Often I'd rather not do anything. But I have my routine and I just follow it day-in and day-out and try as best I can to live in the moment. (By the way, we don't celebrate any holidays. It's been quite a few years now since we did any decorating for Christmas. It's just another day around here.)

Anyway, I hope you will be able to find a path to a more satisfying life. (You mentioned possibly doing some volunteer work. And that might be one thing that could help.) My best wishes to you...

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Default Dec 06, 2022 at 01:24 PM
  #4
Dear Rose, grief is such a strange and complicated thing, especially when your loss was during that odd time of the pandemic, maybe this is part of your grief?

I don’t know what best to say to you (I’m quite worn myself right now) except keep on doing the positive things you’re doing, even if it’s just a seemingly little thing, it all adds up, if you’re struggling to do this though then please be kind to yourself as you would to others.

It’s such a dark time of year here right now I don’t know about where you are? It brings extra challenges. Gentle hugs.
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Default Dec 06, 2022 at 06:14 PM
  #5
Thanks to all of you above for posting such warm words of understanding. It takes the chill off how I feel.

Last evening I did pretty good. Picked up and tidied my place, took a shower, and made a good supper. Went to bed a 12 midnight, which is pretty good for me.

So far today was a failure. I stayed in bed all morning until 2 in the afternoon. I can't tell you how bad that makes me feel about myself. I'm disgusted that I did that.

I'm telling myself now that the best thing is to use the rest of the day in the best way. The whole day doesn't have to be a waste. So far I managed to get dressed. That's it! Next I'll make the bed and do some things around the house. I want to finish fixing up the living room to make room for the tree.

I'm telling myself that failing to get up this morning doesn't mean I'll fail again tomorrow morning. If I give in to hopelessness, nothing will improve. You have to keep getting up when you fall down. I'll make a better plan for tomorrow. Like putting an alarm clock in the kitchen and leaving a breakfast tray all set up. I want to gain back some faith in myself.

Yes, COVID kept me more isolated after my boyfriend died. I didn't go stay with relatives I normally would have visited. The vaccine hadn't come out.

I stay by myself because I feel that I won't fit in anywhere. I feel like a weirdo. I know I can fight that feeling and attempt to join into some activity, club or volunteer work. Some of this is laziness.

I'll start now doing things to use what's left of today. Getting into a routine is really what I need to do. Last evening felt pretty good when I made supper, watched my evening TV shows and went to bed at a half-ways decent hour.

Now I'm getting weepy beause I failed so bad so far today. That won't do any good. Just have to get up and try again. Just keep trying again, no matter how many hours get wasted.

Morning is the worst time for me. What do you all do in the morning to jump start your motor. I'm not a big fan of coffee. Maybe I should try it.
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Default Dec 06, 2022 at 08:52 PM
  #6
You hit the nail on the head - i want my breakfast! That is a big change in attitude for me. Im a good catholic girl who ALWAYS "fasted" in elementary school because we had Mass before school started. It took overcoming a lot of stupid guilt to be able to treat myself healthfully.
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Default Dec 06, 2022 at 09:24 PM
  #7
Rose hang in there.

Yeah when you don’t have to get up in the morning for work or chores, it’s hard to get started. Especially if you feel down. I get a headache if I don’t get coffee and don’t eat something. So that’s my start. Also put some clothes on. That helps. If you don’t like coffee, have s different routine. Tea in the morning or certain meal

No reason to feel guilty staying in bed. No rules against it. There will be another day
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Default Dec 07, 2022 at 12:15 AM
  #8
Thank you. Since my last post I've been at it. I got my tree and boxes of decoration in from my outside storage closet. That in itself was a significant effort. A stray cat came by and watched me, so I put out a serving of Fancy Feast, which it ate. I have no pets, but I keep food for strays.

Now my neck and back force me to sit. I'm sore. Some of it is being deconditioned. I want to do something about that too.

Tomorrow morning will be the test. I will have a cup of instant coffee. I might give myself a real coffee maker for Christmas.

Sure, I can stay in bed all I want. I'm not breaking any law or hurting anyone. But it hurts me something awful. It feeds into the fear that I can't tackle anything. Getting things done is very rewarding. Having a lazy day now and then is fine. But staying bedbound and couchbound out of depression is soul-killing for me. I desperately want to get out of the trough. I want to get up out of it and not tumble back down in a day or two.

Routine moves you along. Waking up with no plan is a set up for failure. I should try to make a little plan for tomorrow. Not too ambitious . . . just a little structure, maybe including something nice to do.
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Default Dec 07, 2022 at 01:31 AM
  #9
I sent a small text to my sister . . . the one who was acting very distant. I did get a text back from her . . . short, but friendly. So that's kind of a weight off my mind.

I have 2 siblings who could be poster kids for borderline personality disorder. (They are adults, a brother and a sister.) I can't seem to walk on the eggshells lightly enough to stay always on their good sides. My brother hasn't spoken to me in years. He wanted me to commit to caring for any pets he might have, when he'ld be away from home. We're talking about his frequent trips to jail. He gets arrested every few months. In between he collects a menagerie. My sister also gets very angry and grudge-holding when something puts her nose out of joint. I have no children, so my siblings mean everything to me. I have another sister who is very stable. She sent me a nice text today.

So I brightened up a bit. Morning will be the test.
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Default Dec 07, 2022 at 02:54 AM
  #10
Great improvement Rose. Be careful with coffee though as you have some stomach problems . Coffee is acidic and often causes heartburn. So be careful with that. Honestly if you manage without caffeine, then maybe it’s a bad idea tk start so maybe decaf would be better?

Brother with frequent trips to jail and a zoo at home. Oh boy. How sad. I did chuckle because of how you described what him being “away” meant. Not funny of course. You have a writing talent by the way..
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Default Dec 07, 2022 at 03:52 AM
  #11
Something is wrong with me physically. Two hours ago I started feeling sick. Right now I feel very sick. Nauseated. Chills. I hope this blows over. I dread going to the hospital again. My skin is clammy all over. I can't believe this. Bellie pain. I'm literally shivering.
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Default Dec 07, 2022 at 07:56 AM
  #12
Well a warm bath got me over the chills. I seem to have an intestinal bug. Maybe that was why I slept so much yesterday.

I feel less sick now.
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Default Dec 07, 2022 at 08:28 AM
  #13
It’s good you’re posting here and I agree with divine, you have a writing talent.

I was thinking about the things that help me, I have a tendency to worry and rumination, and one of them is exercising- now I know you have some neck and back problems, but maybe there’s something you can find. A friend loves doing Tai Chi and there’s also Qigong both of which are low impact. There’s something about an exercise routine that can help focus the brain and think that’s one of the ways it’s helpful.

Another thing that can help me is music, upbeat music usually, it can really help my mood.

Sorry to read you’ve been feeling unwell, and hope that’ll settle okay. Did you have diverticulitis (I seem to remember you did?) ? If so might be worth contacting the Dr.
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Default Dec 07, 2022 at 11:31 AM
  #14
Yes, in May I was hospitalized twice with diverticulitis. I spent 6 weeks recovering. Then I was hospitalized with bleeding ulcers and needed blood transfusions. It was all pretty dramatic. I thought that stuff was behind me. Last evening, I suddenly got very sick. I feel much improved now. Just tired.

That screwed up my routine. Now I do need more sleep. Exercise is something I've neglected. I suppose YouTube has videos for Tai Chi.

Thanks for helping me. When I get up, I have all those boxes of Xmas stuff to g o through.
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Default Dec 07, 2022 at 03:33 PM
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For a minute I thought if you are having covid. That’s how mine started. Glad you are better so it’s not that. Hope it all improves soon
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Default Dec 07, 2022 at 03:47 PM
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For a minute I thought if you are having covid. That’s how mine started. Glad you are better so it’s not that. Hope it all improves soon
No, this was not respiratory at all. I am fully vaccinated, which I know is not a guarantee. Sounds like you recovered alright from COVID. Hope you have your health for the holidays. 💙
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Default Dec 07, 2022 at 03:58 PM
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No, this was not respiratory at all. I am fully vaccinated, which I know is not a guarantee. Sounds like you recovered alright from COVID. Hope you have your health for the holidays. 💙
It didn’t start as respiratory for me at all. It was the weirdest feeling like a bad jet lag. Headache dizziness and chills. Few days later other stuff started. That’s why when people are dizzy headachy and chilly I always wonder….

I am fully vaccinated but so is everyone at my work yet most of us had covid at least once. I was lucky to not get it until this September. I had endless bout of bronchitis and sinus infection for over a month after covid. Two cycles of antibiotics and steroids. My GP doesn’t know if it’s caused by covid or not but I was the sickest I’ve ever been in my life. I was losing my mind with coughing

I caught covid traveling. I know because it was right after vacation
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Default Dec 07, 2022 at 05:56 PM
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I had no respiratory symptoms at all when I had covid in 2021, not even a cough, just a scratchy throat then chills and headaches and tiredness. It seems to differ from person to person, some do get stomach cramps.

Most people I know have had it now (most fully vaccinated too) but even my elderly relatives were okay.
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Default Dec 08, 2022 at 06:40 AM
  #19
Wow . . . COVID didn't occur to me last night. Sounds like you both were really sick. Whatever came over me seems gone now. I rested all day. In the morning I'll have to try to get my Christmas tree together. There's boxes of decorations all over the kitchen and livingroom. I think I'm overwhelmed with all the stuff I've got. I should just donate half of it.

Hopefully I can get back on a routine, or start one to be more honest. Getting sick last night got my mind off of being depressed. I haven't left the house in a few days. I'm stiff and sore from lack of exercise.
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Thumbs up Dec 08, 2022 at 07:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Rose76 View Post
Wow . . . COVID didn't occur to me last night. Sounds like you both were really sick. Whatever came over me seems gone now. I rested all day. In the morning I'll have to try to get my Christmas tree together. There's boxes of decorations all over the kitchen and livingroom. I think I'm overwhelmed with all the stuff I've got. I should just donate half of it.

Hopefully I can get back on a routine, or start one to be more honest. Getting sick last night got my mind off of being depressed. I haven't left the house in a few days. I'm stiff and sore from lack of exercise.

Hi Rose,
I did not read this thread before now. I am glad that you have begun the decorating for Christmas, but I want to say that there is nothing wrong with you for having set-backs.

May be you only long for somebody to share your life with more or less. Take a look at that after Christmas. It does not have to be somebody to share your home with, but some people you feel fine with.

I have those days when I feel that I need to find a new husband right away. So it happens that I ask myself if that is what I really want (to share my life with a husband)? It is hard to be alone! Still I feel more and more that I like to live alone.

Old friends had moved or was dead, so I had to start trying to look for new friendships. I joined a dance group, but felt I did not fit in. Instead I found a walking for fun group were I felt I really did fit in, a lot of same sense of humor and so on. We sometimes go out togheter for dinner after our walks (that's good). I don't feel very connected to the church members in the nearest church, but I go there regularly (repeating events are good for general health).

May be you can look at your interests, Rose, and pick some places where you go regularly, just to meet others either you like them or not and hopefully find a group where you find the tone with the others as well.

When we join groups, there usually are a "going out together" gathering (a party or similar) before Christmas and one before Summer. In such occasions we learn to know the others better and perhaps new friendships develop.

Don't loose hope! I do understand that it doesn't feel good to have to have borderliners in your family, but connections with others outside of family are possible. (It is also possible to do voluntary work a couple of hours a week. AT least one meet others and have that good feeling of doing something good).

Good wishes!

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