[MrsA]

I have been in a horrible situation for years. I won't explain everything because it just leads to people giving oversimplified advice which I find frustrating. I tried everything I could think of to get out of my family's control. I even got multiple jobs. It made me so frustrated that all these years I keep searching for new work and working 3-4 jobs at the same time and when I just want to vent about how horrible my situation is, some well-meaning but inconsiderate person inevitably tells me to just get a new job or move to a nicer house. My family controls nearly all my income and I can't make enough with other jobs to get away. I worked like a slave for my etire life while my filthy sister leaves food and trash and pet waste all over our home. Because I can't afford to leave and my name is on the mortgage, my only options are to clean her messes or live in it. At first I thought she was just lazy and probably has adhd, but in recent years it has gotten worse. Her room got infested with mice for over 2 years because it hasn't been cleaned since we bought the house in 2005. I couldn't keep the rest of the house clean because mice kept breeding in her room and soiling the kitchen counters and cupboards and all the things I need for work are covered in rodent waste. Last year, I got desperate and threw rodentide into the mountains of clutter in my sister's room. Since then, she just lives with a room full of dead mice mummified in her trash and dirty laundry. I thought with the mice dead I had a chance of getting the house clean. I have been unable to work due to most of the house being unhygenic. I ran the family business out of my 10x10 bedroom for thr past 4 years but I can't do it any more. Without space to work, I have hardly any income and no control of my own life and any money I do earn for the family business is in my sister's control. She threatens to leave me to starve if I pressure her to help clean her messes. I decided to make one last attempt to get the house clean so Incould try to have a normal life. But I'm pretty sure my sister has multiple mental illness now, because she changed from not cleaning up to deliberately throwing food all over the floor and leaving it to rot. There was moldy food and maggots in front of her bedroom door and she wouldn't lift a finger. The mess was so bad that it took me days to clean. And now she has started hoarding bags of garbage from her room because some family jewelry got lost in her room with 17 years of clutter. She throws trash bags out of her room but insists we keep them utnil we are sure our missing jewelry isn't in her trash. The bags get torn and years worth of trash is scattered through our house and yard that she expects me to sift through amd check for jewlery before it goes in the bins. I can't bring myself to clean it because I know she will have made a bigger mess before I'm done cleaning. If you looked in our back yard right now, you will see about 1000 used floss picks in the soil and paper and old cosmetics and cartons and stuff blown everywhere by the wind. And that's nothing compared to how the inside of the house looks. There is just no way to move forward with my life. I can't earn much money while living in these conditions. I spent most of this year trying to find new ways to get out of this situation and trying to figure the most effective way to kill myself if it fails. Things are getting worse and worse and my health is failing so there is a good chance I will die of heart failire or something else soon anyways. When I think of making time to go to the doctor, I just realize it's not worth the effort to try to prolong my life. The longer I live, the worse my situation will become. So unless in the next few months, my sister dies in some freak accident or from obesity, I think my life is effectively over. My health and finances are ruined. I nearly killed myself 18 years ago when my sister was screaming and cussing at me every day because she was stressed about money. She even threw things at me because she hated going to work and I refused once to go in her place. She can't seem to inderstand that her behavior is the cause of our money problems. Before things got this filthy, I was able to work long hours and we were successful for a while but my sister started destroy the business andnour home. And her typically bad temper turend into 10-15 meltdowns a day. I always imagine that the last thing I hear before I die will be my sister yelling "****ing ****" or "for **** sake"cin that thick ugly voice she uses when shes angry. I would rather hear people fart every day for thr rest of my life than hear my sister's cussing. People said I was stupid to stay and that I should just get a new job, but I did my best with what I had. There were years when I had to go without a computer or a working phone. My sister managed to isolate and control my life. I didn't want to leave her when I was young because we wer orphaned and a adored my psychopathic narcissistic big sister. That was my fatal mistake. I wish I had killed myself before making all this effort to improve my situation. So I don't think I will be alive much longer one way or another. I won't be coming back here becaue I don't want to see anymore insensitive advice. People can't seem to help themselves even when I specifically ask that no one gives that advice. I already tried everything I could think of. I'm not here for lack of trying. The constant advice from people who think other people's problems are simple is one of the things that made me realize that talking to people is pointless. I am dealing with this alone so no one has the rightbto tell me that I have to keep living when I will be dealing with all the horrors and injustice alone. There is no value in life alone. If you refuse to euthanize a pet, people call you selfish becuase there is no value in quantity of life without quality. My life has never had any qualtity. My life has never been worth living and it was a mistake to not kill myself instesd of trying for a better life. It's not that I have low self-esteem or anything. I got test scores in the 97th-99th percentile in multiple languages. I developed products people wanted that no one else knew how to make. I should have had a better life for allcthat effort. I just never expected that a clean place to live would be the unreachable dream for me. I trusted my sister and let her manage the money while I made the products. I wouldn't have minded her controlling all the money or cheating and exploiting me in our business partnership if only I had a clean place to live. That's all I wanted for 20 years. To be able to let people come to our house and not panic when the doorbells rings because someone might see the mess. To feel comfortable douching the floor in my own house and not have to contantly disinfect things or pick up heaps and heaps of garbage without things getting better. I clean all the time but anyone who sees our home will think I am as dirty and lazy as my sister. That's the stigma I lived with my whole life. My sister is living in a bedroom wth the skeletons of dead mice mixed into her clothes and stuff and people think I have mental problems because I am stressed by this situation. Please don't give any advice or tell me life is worth it. I won't be coming back to read it. Sorry of this seems rude, but some people's responses really made things worse in the past. I know they probably thought they were helping but most people just don't get it. I guess I wanted to write this because I will probably die soon withou anyone really knowing what happened. And it a bit funny but I keep fantasizing about about my sister dying and imagining myself finally being able to get the house clean. That's how I spent the holidays besides trying to earn money and debating about suicide. Good luck everyone. Bye.

[unaluna]

Google "nevada hoarding".

sorry its a massive paragraph, I can't read through it, wall of text