[Calla lily12]

I don't care about anything. I need to clean the house but I don't care. I don't care if it rots and falls down around me. I need to be completely alone because I'll hurt anyone around me. I hate everything. I hate me most. Everything's wrong and I can't fix any of it...maybe I don't want to. I want to be gone.

[Yaowen]

What a heartbreaking situation. Since I don't know the details or back story, I am at a loss for what to say that would help you. Would you be willing to provide more information about how you ended up in this situation?

So very, very sorry you are suffering! Please go to a hospital emergency department or emergency room if things are spiraling out of control in your thoughts and feelings.

[Calla lily12]

I honestly don't know what's causing this. I'm dis regulated and it feels horrible.

[Rose76]

You sound the way your little, stuffed bunny looks.

I once heard a saying: "If your beds are made and your dishes are washed, then your place is picked up good enough for now. I need to do, at least, that. Let's just get the dishes done. Then see how we feel.

I'm glad you've been around.

[Calla lily12]

Thank you but its become worse since I saw my T.
I don't even have the words to explain. I feel like dirt.

[Rose76]

Do you live with others or on your own? I think being alone for long intervals can breed apathy. It seems to do that with me. I need to start picking up around my apartment. I'm completely on my own and am having a hard time getting motivated. Winter can be a factor. It's cold and gray.

When you saw your T, did you feel heard? It sounds like that meeting affected you negatively.

I'm sorry you're so down. You are not dirt. You are stardust.

[Calla lily12]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Do you live with others or on your own? I think being alone for long intervals can breed apathy. It seems to do that with me. I need to start picking up around my apartment. I'm completely on my own and am having a hard time getting motivated. Winter can be a factor. It's cold and gray.

When you saw your T, did you feel heard? It sounds like that meeting affected you negatively.

I'm sorry you're so down. You are not dirt. You are stardust.

THank you Rose. It's been an awful week just with waiting to see him again and getting some clarity. I have my husband with me but when I feel like this I isolate. I finally saw T and he apologized for triggering me. He explained why he said that and I don't feel as hopeless as before.

[Rose76]

I'm glad your T was able to talk with you about what he said that did not sound supportive to you. In my experience, therapists can be very defensive. They're human. Sometimes they are off the mark. It's good that you raised your issue with him, and it sounds like the two of you were able to clear the air.

The best therapist in the world won't fully meet our emotional need to feel understood and regarded with warmth and respect. We need that from family and friends. Unfortunately, those who love us and have good intentions can often be a little clueless about how to be helpful. At least, that's been my experience. It just makes us feel worse when someone close seems to just "not get it." I don't know if that's a factor in your life. You mentioned isolating. It makes me think of how a sick dog will go off in a corner, rather than looking to get petted. I think it's a primitive instinct we share with other species. We remove ourselves to feel more safe.

Feeling less hopeless is a sign that you're working your way out of the darkness. I hope that continues. Depression is just awful, and there's no explaining it to others. I'm going through it myself. I take a few steps forward, but keep slipping back. No steady progress toward the light. It can get very hard to hang on to hope. If you've had bad depressive episodes in the past that you recovered from, let that remind you of what is possible.

[Calla lily12]

Rose I hope the depression you're feeling lessens soon. It's a hard, lonely path, I know. I'm thinking of you.

[Rose76]

Thank you, @Calla_Lily12. I got out of that depressed state I was in. Now I actually feel pretty good.

I hope you will feel better too.

[Calla lily12]

I feel worse than I ever have. There's no point to anything.

[Rose76]

Are you still seeing your therapist? If so, do you feel you are being listened to and heard?

It must be so hard to be this depressed with no end in sight.

[Calla lily12]

Yes I'm seeing him but sessions make me dissociate and I forget what we talked about. He's not in contact out of office hours so if its a crisis, I'm expected to go to the ER. Lately things are worse and I'm cycling between depression and hypomania. I'm so tired of this.

[Rose76]

You could have a notebook on your lap when you see your therapist and jot down a little outline of what gets discussed. Just a suggestion. I hope you can get more stablized. It's tough to be cycling from one state to another and back again. I feel like that's not really living. It's more like life is just happening to you, and you can feel like a little leaf getting carried along by the current of a stream that takes you wherever it wants to go, but not where you might want to go.

[Fuzzybear]