[MuddyBoots]

In the past two weeks I overdosed twice. I don’t plan on doing it again, but I didn’t plan on doing it then either it was very impulsive. I don’t need to go to the hospital, I can’t, I’m fine in this minute, and the chica I’m staying with really needs me. I’m trying to maintain a relationship with my partner, and I can’t just disappear on them either only to be seen around town when I get discharged.

I feel like this is something to mention, but I don’t want her to freak out. This is a new T too so she doesn’t know I can be fine, make a gesture/attempt, and be fine anywhere from an hour to a day later

[mote.of.soul]

I'll leave it up to you how much info you reveal to your new T, Muddy, because I understand where you're coming from. But explain everything else, putting emphasis on the struggle and the constant emotional "distress" (use that word) you are under. No joking around and laughing - they'll think you're fine. Hope it all went well Muddy. Battle on.🙏

[MuddyBoots]

At first she wanted to discuss therapy goals, and I told her I need to talk about what's going on right now and that my goal right now is to get through each day. I told her I'm used to telling "strangers" about what's happening. It's not my first rodeo.

I told her I was struggling to an extreme amount, that I was having suicidal ideations, said like five times I don't plan on acting on them. I told her I did make an attempt within the past week or so, but reiterated I'm not going to try again. It went okay. Obviously wasn't hospitalized so that's good.

[mote.of.soul]

Real proud of you Muddy, honestly. Yes, one day at a time. Yes, leave the therapy goals for when you're ready to discuss, but have them ready because in my view, knowing what you want them to help you with (but at the same time being open to their input) can keep things from going all over the place with them (for months...years!) - you can stick to a clear framework. Power on warrior woman! I have very good feelings about this.

[MuddyBoots]

Overall goal is to become a functioning member of society.

Gotta learn to take early warning signs seriously, take action, really assert myself and tell these providers I can go downhill fast. Maintaining relationships (steadily, not going through phases of feeling intensely attached, testing them and making them leave or ghosting them, saying sorry a few days or a few years later, repeat) with healthy people by becoming worthy of being cared about and not freaking out over little things. Not falling into the "fk-it" mentality with all my might, spiraling into a black hole.

Writing this down and bringing that in next week.