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Default Jun 04, 2023 at 06:54 PM
  #1
I'm sad this evening. I was doing pretty good for the past week. About an hour ago, I started to feel depressed. I even started to think that I don't really want to be alive. Not that I'm in any danger of self-harm.

I didn't go anywhere yesterday or today. That could be part of the problem. I better get out of the house tomorrow. I should make a plan for the day. Right now I'm not even up to doing that.

I feel like I just don't matter much to anyone. I don't matter much to those who mattered the world to me. Maybe I should ask them if that's really true. Of course they'ld deny it. I won't say anything to anyone . . . except to say it here. It's the most hurt I've been in quite a long time. Well, Christmas was hurtful. I managed to get over that.

So I'm in pain this evening. I just want that to ease up. Not sleeping at night will make getting through this harder.

I have to figure out what to do so I don't feel so bad. Otherwise, life isn't worth it.
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Default Jun 04, 2023 at 07:25 PM
  #2
Mattering to someone sounds like having to answer to someone.

Isnt the advice, "if you want to have a friend, be a friend"?

I just want to pay my rent and not be a burden nor beholden to anyone. Enjoy who and what i can.
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Default Jun 04, 2023 at 09:23 PM
  #3
I better stop crying and eat something.

The night will be long.
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Default Jun 05, 2023 at 03:52 AM
  #4
Usually, I have one glass of wine in the evening. This past evening I had three. Or it might have been four. I ended up feeling sick from it. It was supposed to help me sleep. Didn't work. It's nearly 3 a.m., and I'm in bed wide awake.

So at 1 a.m. I took another Vicodin. I do feel less sad now.
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Default Jun 05, 2023 at 03:57 AM
  #5
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Originally Posted by unaluna View Post

I just want to pay my rent and not be a burden nor beholden to anyone.

Sounds like a clear plan.
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Default Jun 05, 2023 at 10:16 AM
  #6
Hi Rose, I’m sorry you’ve been feeling low, you’ve had some tough situations to cope with recently.

I like your plan of getting out of the house. This almost always helps me. Recently I was struggling with feeling bad tempered, it didn’t occur to me that 3 public holidays meant 3 missed volunteering sessions. Today I volunteered and I feel like a different person. When I’m on holiday from my job my mental health suffers too - it’s like when I have downtime my brain decides to attack itself. Maybe this might be something that’s happening with you.

Let us know how you’re doing when you can.
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Default Jun 05, 2023 at 10:44 AM
  #7
@Discombobulated - thank you. Yes, you summed it up well. An idle mind truly is the devil's workshop. I'm glad being back at your volunteer job cleared your head and got your brain right. I have some things to get done today. Tackling those may make all the difference. It's a lesson I seem to need to relearn often. Sun is shining. I will get out and about.
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Default Jun 06, 2023 at 08:29 PM
  #8
I got out of the house today, which helped me feel much better. I went to one of the community centers to see what activities going on there that might be worth joining. I looked at plants at Home Depot to get ideas for my patio garden.

I came home, ate and am watching news shows. Sadness is starting to creep back. I need to pick up around my place, but I have some joint and muscle soreness.

I've been thinking about my visit to see family and how it kind of bombed. I can get real down and upset and depressed thinking about that. I'm back where I live, and I have to make a life for myself here.
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Default Jun 07, 2023 at 03:32 PM
  #9
I did pretty good yesterday. I'm stuck right now. I've been sad and weepy about how my trip to see family was kind of a flop. It's after 2 p.m. and I'm still not dressed. I don't want to leave the house, even just to check the mail or bring in the trash barrel from the curb.

Maybe if I just get in the shower I can jump-start my engine. I'm depressed. I want someone to talk to, but there is no one. I've thought just now of calling someone I know. She has serious problems of her own - very serious. She was on the verge of homelessness last time we spoke, a few weeks ago.

I'm spending too much time alone. I should be planning my days, so I don't just vegetate. Maybe if I eat something, I'll have more energy to stop sitting here thinking sad thoughts.
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Default Jun 07, 2023 at 05:48 PM
  #10
Lunch tasted good, but that's as far as I got. I'm still stuck, not wanting to do anything.

Social phobia is a lot of what this is about. Yesterday, I went to a nearby community center to see what activities are offered that I might take advantage of. They offer quite a bit. I walked around the center looking the place over and seeing postings and flyers about things that go on there. It made me feel very uncomfortable.

Last month I took a short computer class there, which I enjoyed. Being there yesterday, just walking around the place, felt very lonely.

To come back from visiting family, where I didn't have much success strengthening bonds, makes me wonder how I can expect much success going among strangers. I start to feel sorry I was ever born.

It's not a very interesting story - this tale of my isolation. I was going to Al-Anon before my trip to learn how not to badly react to my sister's drinking, which leads to her becoming hard to deal with. Where I was going was a small group. I tried participating as best I could. I felt like an outsider there.

I tell myself that I just have to persevere and understand that it takes time to connect with new people. I start out having faith that things will get better and I'll learn to talk with people I meet, as I spend more time getting to know them. My faith drained out of me today. It is awful to feel this isolated.
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Default Jun 08, 2023 at 04:37 AM
  #11
Woke up after midnight. Been awake for 3 hours now. Had some cereal. Might try some Benadryl.
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Default Jun 08, 2023 at 05:23 AM
  #12
Why would you take Benadryl? Isn’t it for allergies kind of thing? What time is it there?

Ok I understand it’s maybe unsolicited and uninformed suggestion but it sounds like it’s way too many different meds? They maybe interact and also you might be building a resistance to meds by taking that many. And if they mix with alcohol even in small amount, it creates a mixture that just doesn’t help with sleep. Like one cancels another.

Maybe if you get up even in horribly early hours and start the day even if extremely early, it will work out some way. Like maybe you’ll take a nap or just go to bed early the next day?

Lack of sleep is awful. I have trouble sleeping myself so I get that
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Default Jun 08, 2023 at 06:24 PM
  #13
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Why would you take Benadryl? Isn’t it for allergies kind of thing? What time is it there?

Ok I understand it’s maybe unsolicited and uninformed suggestion but it sounds like it’s way too many different meds? They maybe interact and also you might be building a resistance to meds by taking that many. And if they mix with alcohol even in small amount, it creates a mixture that just doesn’t help with sleep. Like one cancels another.

Maybe if you get up even in horribly early hours and start the day even if extremely early, it will work out some way. Like maybe you’ll take a nap or just go to bed early the next day?

Lack of sleep is awful. I have trouble sleeping myself so I get that
Benadryl is the main brand name for diphenhydramine, which is an anti-histamine, long used for allergies. It has the side effect of being somewhat sedating. It has been the most common ingredient in over-the-counter sleep aids, like Unisom.

The main psych med that I taje is amitriptyline, a tricyclic antidepressant. It has a side effect of being somewhat sedating. Many years ago, it was pretty effective at getting me to sleep. Back then I was prescribe Librium along with it. Over the years, I did build up tolerance to both of those meds. Librium is no longer prescribed for me.

Amitriptyline (also called Elavil) was the only antidepressant that made a real impact on how I felt. Over the years, doctors had me on just about everything. Nothing else proved helpful. Some antipsychotics, like Seroquel, also promote sleep, but they didn't help the recurring depression. Antipsychotics also come with bad baggage that I didn't want.

The Elavil seemed reasonably effective at helping me sleep for many years. After menopause, my sleep problems started to get worse and worse and worse. I keep waking up at night over and over.

I think I need to keep a log of what time I go to sleep and how often I wake up. Maybe I should take that to a psychiatrist and see what a pdoc might recommend. I thought it didn't matter, since I'm retired and don't have to be rested and up for work at a specific hour. However, my sleep-wake pattern is getting so chaotic, it's hard to have a normal life. Getting out of the house and being physically active helps somewhat. But even that's not reliable.

When I'm depressed, sleep - if I can get it - gives me a break from feeling despondent. When I can't sleep, being despondent feels twice as bad, because I can go around the clock with very little break from it. Eventually, I get the sleep I need. I'm really not sleep deprived. At least, I don't feel all that fatigued.

When I'm not despondent, I can put up with the irregular sleep pattern better. Currently, I'm getting worse and worse depressed. To keep waking up in the middle of the night makes it a lot more stressful.

Ten years ago, I was being seen at the psych dept of my healthcare system. I was put on way more meds than I take now, which I didn't stick with. After my boyfriend died in 2020, I became hospitalized with depression and was put on a long list of psych meds. I stopped most of them as being either useless or dangerous.

I don't feel hopeful that there's any professional help I can get that will make any difference.

I take Vicodin twice a day for pain from disk degeneration in my neck and back. I can't get a real sleeping pill, while I take that. (The Feds frown on that.) I was on a wonderful anti-inflammatory med, called Indocin, that was great for my pains and aches. It is an NSAID. It had to be stopped because I developed bleeding ulcers, that caused me to need 5 blood transfusions in 2022.

I tell myself that this will blow over because my depressive episodes always do eventually blow over. For now, though, I'm in it, and I'ld just as soon be dead. I don't have a lot of patience with this.

Part of what causes the depression and the insomnia is being alone too much. I had hoped my trip to visit family would give me a boost, as it did in past years. When I was hearing a lot from family, it did help. This recent trip, unfortunately, was kind of a flop. So was my last one in 2020, where I flew back with my boyfriend's body. The sister I was staying with tends to drink excessively. That leads to disharmony. This time, I stayed with a different sister. But, when we all got together, alcohol combined with cannibis fueled some unhappy, hostile dramatics. I wish I never went back there. I guess I won't do that again anytime soon. I just have to put that experience in the past.
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Default Jun 09, 2023 at 09:01 AM
  #14
I took an extra dose of my amitriptyline last evening. It was surprisingly helpful. I slept a lot better, and I woke up feeling less depressed.

If I want to continue doing that, I'm going to need a psych consult. My primary doesn't want to increase my antidepressant (amitriptyline) on her own, except just by 10 mg. She's a P.A.

This thread has gotten stale and uninteresting, but I'll probably continue journaling here. That way I have some kind of a record of my ups and downs, while I'm getting through this bout of depression. I need to start a record of my sleep/wake pattern, like some kind of a log. It's the best way of establishing that I've got a serious sleep disorder, which has worsened over the last 10 years and really become chaotic over the past few weeks.

I need to get into some kind of a daily routine that includes exercise and doing something in my community that gets me both out of the house and around other people. Irregular sleep makes all of that harder to do.
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