Worst time of my life

TheGal

Thank you.

I will just post this link to an interesting article. If you do have existential depression, at least according to this article, then "touch" can help. That's why I suggested the massage.

Anyhow, here is the article:

Existential Depression in Gifted Children - Sofo Archon

jaklevco

You will reply when you have time.

I read the article, there are certain interresting thoughts. I'm not really sure if I face existential depression, but what I know that I am also physically alone/lonely. This is something I struggle with because I know that sometimes I want or need a hug, but there is no one who I could go to. You are right that touch is beneficial.

As I've already mentioned, I don't know if I will be able to afford massages (not speaking about the question if I will have any time). I assume that I will find solution to lack of physical contact after I solve other issues (or after solving those, this will naturally get better). That is another reason why those things I wrote in my first message and in my yesterday's comment bother me much, much more.

One more thought I remembered. Lately, I have been facing situations when I was around people and it felt as if it was a shame that I have never been in a relationship. I know that's not completely true, but when people around you behave in such a way, trust me, you don't feel good. My only "relationship" couldn't have been called a relationship because it was very strange and we were like close friends what, in the end, probably wasn't true either. I don't know what happened and I can't find out, but based on her behaviour, I ended up really bad. I don't compare myself to others and this is definitely not one of the reason why I hate my romantic relationship conditions, but I see that all the people who were around me or were my friends, don't even have to try to have a fulfilling relationship.

TheGal

((((jaklevco))))


Loneliness is so hard to live with. I feel for you. It's not easy, at all ... it's soul crushing...

Have you thought of joining us, here, on MSF on chat? Essentially there is the main coffeehouse room for general chat, or if you want to talk about your depression or problems you can ask members to join you in the ES (Emotional Support) room.

Granted, it's not the same as having a girlfriend and a loving family in your life, but I find it can be helpful.


I will write more tomorrow, but also wanted to share this:


Have you heard of meetup.com?


Basically you can attend a meetup that someone has organized or you can organize one yourself. There are various events where you can participate with other people and not be alone.


Bratislava:
Find Events & Groups | Meetup

Košice:
Find Events & Groups | Meetup

jaklevco

In my case it's not only the loneliness what bothers me. In the end, I've probably been alone my whole life. There was no one really close to me. Also, when I had some "friends" they started acting unpleasantly towards me and then stopped to communicate. Moreover I had no option to talk about it with them, so even today, I can't find out what happened. Just to be clear, this happened more times with many people. Recently, with people I care about. I feel used and betrayed.

I haven't thought much about joining a chat here, I'm still kind of new here and besides, I tried to focus on solutions outside of online space more.

Since you mentioned my familly, I must say they are loving, but they can't support me. They tell me that I should focus just on my studies so sometimes, it feels that my problems are unimportant.

I've heard of meetup, but not really about the events there. Unfortunately, I must say that the events I found (I looked for Brno, as I study there and I hate Bratislava) were not for me as two of them are arranged for a specific group of people and one presentation.
As I searched for groups, I must say that in Brno, there are only groups concerning the topic of my studies. Every group has a different focus. However, these groups are not for someone who is still studying, but for people with experience. I wouldn't be able to bring much into discussion.

AzulOscuro

Folk, do you think practising Mindfulness may help you? One of the benefits is lessen any attachment: Things, people, expectations…
If you are interested, I could provide you kind of guide to practice it. It helps a lot with resilience.
I mention it because it’s making a difference for me and the way I take in and face to any event or failure.

__________________
Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits.
Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance.

Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON)

jaklevco

I tried this kind of coping mechanisms. Unfortunately, it didn't have much effect on me. It' not that it is a bad idea, but you know how it goes. Some things work for someone and don't work for someone else.

One point to add. I start to have no expectations because if I have any (I mean any realistic ones), things go a completely different way.

AzulOscuro

I do understand you. I only wanted to give you another idea.
You already told me that your therapy didn’t work.

You know, I think the majority of artists have a very hard time with ordinary life.
Ever seen the movie “Living Las Vegas”. Reading your posts made me remind that movie. It seems as some people never find a place in day-to-day life. The world is small for them.
What do you think about that? Am I getting close?

__________________
Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits.
Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance.

Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON)

jaklevco

@AzulOscuro, it certainly didn't. Just to give you better perspective. I have been trying various types of therapy, but I haven't found anything what would work.

I don't know if I would consider myself an artist. Of course, music is part of my personality, but I never wanted to make a living out of it. Still, yes, I am kind of a creative person in my free time. Sometimes I also write rhymes (many about what I'm about to write next), but since you've read my other posts, you may have found out that there are some complications too.
Actually, I haven't seen the movie. I'm not sure if the world is small, but I have troubles finding a place for me. To be honest, I don't know how it feels to belong. I have never felt like I do and it was not like I just told myslef that I don't. I was alienated in every group I was in.

AzulOscuro

I understand. For me, at the beginning I was also alienated in my group of peers. Then, I alienated myself, what it was even worse for my social skills.
I guess that they didn’t like me. Or maybe I didn’t know to adapt myself to them. I’m not sure.

The feeling of belonging is so important. I totally understand your unease. But, it helps you nothing.

__________________
Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits.
Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance.

Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON)

jaklevco

In my case I didn't have to think they didn't like me. They clearly showed me, sometimes even told me. I'm sure it's not me who is alienating myself.
In my elementary school, I really was an outsider. The last year there was awful. In my high school, I also was, but we were class of very intelligent people so they could hide it well, but in the end, most of the time, I knew I wasn't part of the class. And my university (and especially my faculty) doesn't organize many social events, if any...

I know it may not help much, but I really have no one to turn to. There is no one to pick me up when I fall. And sometimes, you can't do that on your own, no matter how determined you are...

Today, my next semester started. And my worries about my hand were well-founded. I struggle to write. Also, I think working on computer is getting more unpleasant. And since I study IT, these are two most important things...

AzulOscuro

Yes, you already began. I wish all the luck of this world.
Jak, can’t you record the lectures? What does IT stand for, Jak?

I know maybe I’m gonna sounds stupid or silly but do you dare to ask for help to someone there? Maybe, (s)he can become friends. Maybe, you can make a pact. Helping him or her with something this person finds more difficult and you are good at. I know, I saw too many movies. I’m very naive for real life.

At least, you can express yourself here and vent and get angry and I doubt anyone is gonna judge you.

I’m sorry so much that you are finding so many troubles.

__________________
Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits.
Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance.

Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON)

jaklevco

IT stands for information technologies. More specifically, I study programming and app development. Lectures are not mandatory and people don't really take notes because the lectures are about listening to the lecturer to get the meaning of what is in the materials.
Well, I don't want to say you're naive, but I don't think that functions in real life. I try to get to know people around me, but you know, everyone is focused on their studies or have their group of friends from the past there.

But concerning my hand, I feel it mostly at maths and that is the subject where I need to practise no matter if I am good at that, and that is done by writing down equations. If someone would hand me over theirs, I wouldn't learn from that. Also, there is the complication that it is unacceptable to help each other with assignments. In other words, yes, we can discuss it to some extend, but I have to work on my own.

To be honest, sometimes venting doesn't help. I write mostly because I search for understanding and possible pieces of advice for my situation.

You're right, in past few months, I've been through a lot. I can say that the summer break was awful. Not only this year, but this one was the worst...