I MUST NOT do what I love

Doctors should be able to tell you how things will turn out.
I don’t understand why they seemed so incapable .
I understand your disappointment.

Exactly, it feels strange. I feel that a significant part of my problem was ignored. It actually started with that part, pain came later.
Tomorow, I should know more about my midterms and how I can solve that. I'm very curious what the tutor will say.

And again, my evening program ended up badly so it doesn't help that just once a week there is a thing I can slightly (but not completely) distract myself with

I hope your tutor understands.

Which evening program ended badly? Something to do with studies or you’re talking in a general sense?

He does, but he is not the head of the course, so he also has some limited rights. We will see soon...

No, we are talking about free time. I like ice hockey, but again, I was disgusted by the refs. Third match in a row they influenced improperly. Yesterday, the team should have won (and deserved to), but because of multiple ref's incorrect decisions, they lost. It's not enjoyable sitting there when the teams can't play normally because of them.

So, I spoke to him a few hours ago. Turned out he forgot about that. Fortunately, we should be able to do something about it. He sees that I understand the topic because I'm active during the seminars. He said he has no problem letting me go to the final exams (purpose of this midterm) and doesn't want to steal some points I could get. I will see in upcoming days, what will we decide upon. Probably we will have some discussion after a seminar instead of the test...

Today, it gets very bad, I struggled very much when eating lunch. I don't put any weight on the hand and it hurts like hell today. Even parts which didn't before...

Fantastic that you can count with your tutor.

This is the therapy my mother is having made.

Platelet-Rich Plasma (PRP) Injections | Johns Hopkins Medicine

Maybe I have heard of that treatment, but didn't pay much attention to it.

Well, that is one of the courses. He hasn't written me yet, so I don't know. But he seems to be understanding.

Tomorow, I have a midterm which is online, so I can do nothing about it. But today, it hurt more than ever before. Also because of the pain, I couldn't do much of practical preparation, only theoretical. I'm just exhausted, in pain and stressed out...

Well, that midterm was awful. Even if I were healthy, it would be too much. I should get a good amount of points, but it was not worth the pain...
Today, again a checkup with the orthopaedist. Now he told me that also the numbness in my fingers should fade, but today, I broke the record with pain. I'm really curious how I would like to cook tomorow.

I needed to reschedule the pointless MRI, I will go there in three weeks.

Again, there is no one I could turn to to spend time with to connect and forget about the pain and other struggles...

Sorry for not replying earlier. I’m feeling pretty low lately.
I’m sorry you have so much pain.
Are you noticing now a relief after the injections? Do you have to be given a shot every day?

It's okay. I have also been feeling very down today. Some unpleasant things concerning things I really care about happened.

In general, it is slightly better. I still can't write though.
I get a shot once a week. Tomorow, it will be the third one...

I hope you feel better soon, jak

It’s good news that you got some kind of bettering. I’m crossing my fingers for you.

Thanks, the pain is slowly getting better. Hopefully, I won't need another shot. I still don't know what to do afterwards, though, my fingers are still numb and I still can't write. I asked about some therapy or rehab and according to the doctors, it would only have detrimental effect.

However, there are things not concerning my hand which get f***ed up again...

Ugh... Had a meeting about my seminar project. Of course, I almost missed the last bus home because of that. But why do people need to be so stupid. We were about to present our application and two teammates had jt f***ed up on their computers. I mean, guys, why would you do it after coding it yourself? But what's worse, I'm the team lead so I'm expecting to get scolded by my tutors...
This week has been so far very demanding demanding, I'm already at my limit and now this?

Dear Jaklevco, I'm sorry for your difficulties that affect your ability. I am a musician that also has health issues that have changed my abilities, capabilities, and outlook on the art we love to create. There is a lot on this thread to absorb but I will simply give you some outside view and how I have been able to manage life going forward.

I don't know how old you are or how long you've been playing but I'm 63, retired on permanent disability from a desk job. My health problem is spine arthritis that prevents me from long computer use and repetitive motion (something we do as musicians) and borders on having to have major surgery that is best to avoid if possible. (Music has always been my side hustle after work.) When I had to decide between risky surgery and early retirement I chose the latter, and made the decision in my heart that if I was not going to go thru with it to sit at a computer and earn a living, I would not do so just for the hobby that I love and would just quit altogether. It is no small matter in my heart and mind as I've dedicated about 40 years to it, but when/if that day comes I will face it like a man and accept the closure.

At this time I still have the ability to play when my spine permits, although I go thru months long periods of pain relapse that prevent me. I used to play 5 instruments, now I only play guitar. I used to be a lead guitar player in Rock bands in my early years, went on to learn Jazz and performed periodically, did a lot of songwriting that I can no longer do the recording process using a computer. Now I just perform backing a singer when my body permits, and enjoy and be thankful for just that.

The points I'm trying to make is that change is inevitable, our bodies and minds change over our lifetimes and all we can do is adapt and make the best of what we have.

You say you're only into heavy music playing with a vast list of songs, that's a very repetitive motion of playing riffs and chords, a definite path to hand fatigue and joints wearing down. You say you don't like to record, when that is an area of music that can keep you involved in music that won't require you to chug out power chords for long songs and beat your hands up any further. You say you don't want to take up another instrument or work on singing when these are ways to stay involved in your passion.

I simply see your resistance to change, and although I understand it, we both know that "Everything Must Change" like the song by Stevie Wonder says.

Heavy music isn't the only thing, performing cover songs isn't the only thing, playing only guitar isn't the only thing, and keeping them in your mind as the only thing is what I see making it so hard for you. (Aside from the physical problems that we can do little about.) There are still so many options musically, instrumentally, and logistically that can keep you involved in the art we love. I've made many changes just so I could stay involved simply because I (all) love music so much, and I hope you can too.

Just understand you are not alone in this, even professionals have had their careers ended or had to adapt to stay involved. Don Dokken can no longer play guitar and only sings, Rick Allen of Def Leppard drummed with on arm, Django Reinhardt was one of the most legendary guitarists of all time with only two useful fingers. So as you can see If you have the will, you can adapt your body and *MIND* to find a way to stay active no matter what instrument, musical choice, or method of creating.

... and if it comes to the worst and you have to close that chapter in your life, I hope you can be at peace with knowing you gave it your all, and can put the same passion and devotion to any other endeavor you can find in life to capture your heart.

Best wishes

Thanks for replying.

I admit I am much younger.

However, I should clarify certain thoughts you have written.

I admit that heavy music is my dominant focus, but it's not the only genre I play. Because of that, I wouldn't call it resistance, but rather logic when saying other instrument is not an option. But mainly because even any different instrument is bad for the health issue (I also play multiple instruments).

To specify, the problem is with my left wrist, so shredding riffs is not more painful than playing something else. I would say it is even better than strumming chords.

With recording. First of all, I'm unable to produce music without playing it. Also, I tried some digital alternatives, but that was just a waste of time for me as it wasn't fulfilling at all and it didn't give me anything (I know why I don't study audio engineering). And finally, I need strong inspiration/motivation to get some ideas. And just the feeling that I made it is simply not enough because I never wanted to publish what I made, sharing with people around me is impossible and in the past, all my own work was either connected to some very unpleasant situations or there was no chance I could play it with my band.

But in order not to sound so desperate and only negative, I can say that my hand is getting better. You worte after I had some treatment (no offense, I know there is much in this thread), but the journey to the diagnosis was dreadful and for a long time, it really looked like a much worse problem which actually could significantly affect me for the rest of my life.

I’m very happy your hand is getting better 😀

Hi, thanks. After another week, I don't feel the pain anymore. I start to write, but working on computer is still unpleasant.
Today, I went to the music store to give some suggestions to kind of a friend. He has absolutely no experience so I needed to show him something. It was very strange having an instrument in my hand after more than three moths...
I'm curious because music doesn't seem to be a big problem physically now (although, I have "played" only some very basic things to know the sound of the instrument). Still, typing on computer is bad what is probably more important now.

Idon't really know what to expect now. It seems to be better, but it's still not alright and my treatment has already finished.

One thing I might suggest that I left out of my precious post.

My physical problems concerning repetitive motion is from pinched nerves in my spine. It causes pain and numbness in my hands and arm, as our bodies are all connected through the nerves that thread through our spine.

Posture issues and neck/back strain and fatigue is inherent with musicians like us that play for long periods.

That might be something to check into medically just to be aware of all the moving parts in your situation.

Best.

I understand your concern since is not still alright.
What about the doctor? Didn’t he say anything about other possible treatments?