A prison partially of my own device

As with many threads I see here I have to say that I don't know if this is the right place to post this but my life condition and problems are multifaceted and I'm not sure, although I do realize depression is a major issue I get from it all.

I'll just make it as concise as I can and hope to get into further into details as I find some direction here.

Me - 63 yr old divorced man early retired due to health reasons.

social - semi-isolated only a few good friends, never remarried due to emotional scars of a bad marriage & divorce/custody battle, estranged to my only child from parental alienation stemming from decades long ex wife's influence and distant relocation. Only short term relationships with women over the past 20 years. Most immediate family have passed on, only close sibling lives 100 miles away, although still in contact via phone & web.

Financial - Modest fixed income that does not give me the ability to do the things I want or need to do, like relocate from were I live, or enjoy fully the retirement I have and the rest of the time I have on this earth. With health issues (spine) not many options to supplement my income to rise above the situation I'm in.

Logistical - Stuck in a rent controlled apartment in an environment that is not best for me at this stage in my life, in an area with a fair amount of crime and violence. (recent confrontations) Also the area holds some bad memories of the things I've been thru like the places I spent with my estranged child when we had a relationship or violent situations I've had to endure in my life.

Faith - Have lost much of it as no matter how much I have prayed or reached out spiritually I have not seemed to rise above the burdens that hold me down.

Childhood - I'm a product of a broken home, parents divorced when I was 3, never knew living with my father until a short period in my teens that didn't work out well. Grew up in a crime ridden violent area raised by a single mom, with no brothers, took some bumps and bruises along the way, at least stayed out of having a criminal record, but have seen some ugly things in life growing up.


As you can see the issues that I feel lead to my depression are multifaceted and are from every direction. many of them stemming from the decisions I've made in life (ie: who I invested my life in, fighting to be part of my childs like for 20 yrs and going broke doing it)

In a dark place right now emotionally, don't want it to get any worse, hoping I can find a path to a better existence.

Your thoughts and suggestions on a direction would be most welcomed.

Sorry about your situation.

Was there something that happened recently that triggered depression? Much of what you wrote seems like it happened many years ago.

Are you eating & sleeping well?

I wonder how recently you "retired?" Have you applied for disability?

Thx for your reply

As I said in my post that I've had "recent confrontations" as I live in an urban environment that's densely populated, we have a homeless problem, some crazed folks walking the streets, and some generally uptight & angry people living here.

I had two problems, that happened two days in a row, with two different people and I admit it has me a little on edge (ruminating on it somewhat). Thankfully nothing came to violence but when these things happen it really drives home how much I need to get out of this place, and how little I can do about it under my financial condition.

I've been retired about 7 yrs now and I am on permanent disability SSI with a fixed income that is way below the poverty level, I supplement it with an IRA I draw from that is not very large, and not even close to being able to buy a home.

I try to eat well but sleep has been a difficult thing after having this spine problem. With no job to get to I do have the luxury to sleep in if I need to, as I do suffer from insomnia over pain issues. I don't live off pain meds so it has been a challenge at times, but I manage.

That sounds difficult!

Reach out to your state representative and representative in Congress (assuming you live in USA). Just let them know about your predicament. Perhaps there's a federal or state program you qualify for that can help.

Good luck!

It is.

Over the years I've explored things like that, I do have food assistance, and access to a VA loan for housing, but I'm not in a position to buy a house financially, and I haven't found any other programs for people in my situation. That is why many are fleeing the state of California.

I'll check further as you suggest, but not optimistic. Taking steps investigation how I can make any moves on my own, VA loan, credit checks, searching for anything affordable, and alternatives to the sky high rentals in my area.

I know my environment has much to do with my emotional state, beyond the trials of city life, I also have some issues with the memories this city has relating to my past (violence, divorce, estrangement with my child) and know that I could use a fresh start somewhere else. Just very had to do given my financial state combined with my connection to home and the people I still have ties with.

A lot to unpack I know, that's why my OP is so all over the place.

I hope things improve very quickly for you!