Season change blues . . . I guess.

I could use some encouragement. Any few words you can spare will be welcomed.

I was doing real well for quite a stretch. Now I'm in a talespin. Nothing bad happened to me. I just ran out of gas.

I miss the summer sunshine and the longer days. I miss even the heat. I miss the sound of the air conditioner. I miss having windows open a lot and letting outside noises in. I miss seeing flowers on my plants. Those seasonal changes seem to be bothering me. I easily get destabilized by any change. It's ridiculous. Those are the only changes I can think of.

So . . . down I went. Dirty dishes piling up in the kitchen. Laundry hitting the ceiling. I stay stuck in the house way too much. Just no interest in doing anything that makes sense.

I know that, with depression, you can't wait till you feel like doing something . . . which might be no time soon. I have to push myself. I'll feel better if I get my place picked up.

I have to start getting my house really clean before it's time to decorate for Christmas. I been thinking that maybe I won't even put up the tree this year. It's big and a lot of trouble. That disinterest makes me feel awful.

I swore I was going to get involved in some activities and groups. But I didn't. I just have been in my own world. So I feel very cut off. It's my own fault.

Does anyone else feel sad when the weather starts to get cold . . . or miss the different daily rhythm of summer and early fall?

For a few years, I've noticed I get real down in mid-November. I usually improve before Christmas. January is absolutely the pits. I hate putting away holiday decorations. I hate for Christmas to be over. So I want to start now getting in a decent mood. I want to enjoy some good time before I have to deal with that January crash.

For days, I've laid around like an invalid. It's getting awful. A lot of the misery is that I just stay too isolated.

Well . . . I did the dishes, made the bed, and got half of the laundry done, which included even blankets. So I feel less bad than when I was just vegetating.

My last bad depressive tailspin was at the end of June and thru July. I'ld push myself to get moving. Then I'ld only feel better briefly. I kept relapsing. In September, I got into a great place mentally and stayed that way thru October and then some. I just want to get back into that frame of mind. I should make a plan for tomorrow. If I keep moving and doing things, I might pick up enough momentum to carry me thru the holidays.

Mornings are hardest for me. Depression is heaviest on me in the morning. If I can get myself out of the house, I tend to improve. But I have a social anxiety problem. I'm don't have full-blown "avoidant personality disorder." I'm somewhere in between that and social phobia. It comes and goes. When it's bad, I don't even want to check my mailbox because I don't want to run into any neighbors. When I wasn't depressed - back when it was still warm - I'ld work on my little patio garden, and I'ld enjoy seeing neighbors coming and going. I'ld chat with them and was getting to know them better. We're a small complex with just 8 apartments. I was really coming out of my shell. Then I got into this avoidant state. It can be just awful. I think my problem with recurrent depressive episodes is rooted in my social isolation.

I tell myself it's up to me to do something about connecting. I have to plan to explore specific opportunities. I get all negative, thinking nothing will interest me. I need to try things and give things a chance. I was thinking of joining a yoga group at a nearby community center. I get very intimidated about approaching activities like that.

Well, I know my problem and what I have to do about it. I just need to find a little courage. It doesn't really take a lot.

Yesterday I thought I was pulling out of this tailspin. Today I went back down. Not as far down as when I started this thread. But I know it could get worse, if I don't fight this and make some kind of effort.

I stayed in bed too long today. That took me off of the right path I had got on yesterday. If I make an effort to do something, I'll most likely feel better.

Still haven't done anything. I really let myself down today. Didn't even get dressed. I know what it takes to have a better life, but I'm not doing it.

Some hamburg needs cooking tonight, or it will soon be too old. If I at least do that, I will salvage some self-respect.

I always usually improve once I start taking care of what needs doing. Being idle today means I won't sleep tonight. My excuse is that prolonged aloneness has demoralized me. But I do nothing to find an alternative to aloneness. There's so many options for getting out of my shell. They take just a little bit of courage and patience. A solution is not going to ring my doorbell and present itself to me on a silver platter. It must be worked for. Instead I just lazed around here all day. Now I hang my head and cry. I want there to be someone here to care and encourage me. I cry because there is no one I can call. There are relatives at a distance, but I won't bother them.

Actually, I tolerate aloneness quite well. I probably require more solitude than most. Lately, however, there has been too much. This started when my elderly neighbor went in the hospital. I had been visiting with her rather often. Then I suspected she was not well. I took her to a doctor and brought her to get a medical test done. It proved she needed hospitalization. So she's gone to get that care. It's been quite a while. We've spoken on the phone twice. She was very sick. I considered visiting her. We're not close friends, so I don't want to intrude. I will try to call her tomorrow.

Today I spent hours deciding what gesture to make toward a recently bereaved family that I know. Making any gesture was optional because I'm not close with them. I learned of the loss on Facebook. I felt very sorry for them because this was a sudden, unexpected loss of someone who might have lived another 20 years. Finally, after long deliberation, I sent a text expressing sympathy and ordered a small floral arrangement to go to the funeral home tomorrow. Fretting for hours over that decision was what side-tracked me from my intention of cleaning and cooking today. This is the kind of social anxiety that siphons off way too much of my mental energy.

I wouldn't say I'm truly "avoidant," but social phobias plague me something terrible. That's really the root of my recurrent depressive episodes. I struggle against social anxiety and make myself do things that don't come easily to me. I fight my bad tendency to self-isolate. But, still, I never quite put together a normal, socially balanced life. I need to not give up. When trying doesn't succeed, you just have to keep trying and try harder. Sometimes it pays off, at least for a while. Life is not meant to be easy.

A day of fretting has tired me so. I want to get that ground beef cooked. I could put the radio on in the kitchen to try and distract my mind from these sad thoughts. It's hard to make myself get up and do that. It just seems so hard, which is stupid nonsense on my part.

That is so great that you helped your neighbor like that. That is something only you with your training could spot.

Do you have an exercise video to do, like chair yoga or something? It might give you a physical boost?

I think my neighbor came home today. Tomorrow I'll call her and see if she's up for a visit.

I do need to get the body moving. I have no exercise video, but YouTube probably has lots of stuff like that. I'll check it out. Thank you for suggesting that.

I got texts today from 3 different people very far away. I was pleased to hear from them. Two of them are in the family with a recent death. They liked what I sent to the funeral parlor. That made me feel good. But thinking of their loss got my mind over-active. I went from apathy to over-psyched up. Never left the house today. I feel like I can pull myself out of this tomorrow. This evening, I mainly need to calm down. Too much thinking has given me a headache. These tailspins always end eventually. It's just getting through one that can be tough.

I'm a lot worse today. When I get like this, life doesn't even seem worth living.

On TV, I see the suffering people in Gaza. I think how lucky I am to be safe and comfortable. Nothing in my life is all that bad. Yet I feel crummy in my mind. I'm getting hopeless. I have to leave the house somehow before it gets dark. I keep wanting to lie back down. All day, I've been in and out of bed. Now, sitting in my recliner, I just want to lie down. Sitting seems too hard. A lot of this is from being alone.

Hi Rose,

I read through your entire thread and want to compliment you on what a great writer you are. Have you ever thought of publishing your writing before? If not, maybe that’s something to think about?

Sorry to read that you feel crummy and find yourself getting hopeless. It sounds like you may suffer from seasonal affective disorder. The lack of light really can do quite a number on our mental health in the fall and winter seasons.

I agree with your observation that being idle can create an environment in our minds for depression and anxiety. That was nice of you to reach out with a text and floral arrangement to a grieving family member. You are a very thoughtful person.

@Motts - Well, thank you very much for your kind compliment, and I know you mean it because you write well enough yourself to be in a position to judge. That affirmation gives me a significant boost for the following reason: I've been avoiding getting involved in doing anything because I've been telling myself that I don't really have any talent that would make me useful anywhere. Your praise challenges that.

The real reason that keeps me home and alone is social anxiety, which has plagued me all my life. I used to say that, once I was retired and didn't have a sick man to take care of, I would volunteer for some worthy cause. Well, I'm retired and it's over 3 years since my sweetie passed away. I've recovered from the grief, and I'm free as a bird. For 2 years, COVID was my excuse for why I had to live like a recluse - wouldn't go to the gym, even when I had someone to go with . . . wouldn't take a course, though I'ld love to get more computer literate . . . wouldn't go to the nearby community center, even after paying a membership fee . . . wouldn't volunteer to help any of the many charities in my town that need help. So I'm mostly home, except to go to shopping. I allowed a few friendships to fizzle out. There's no real need for me to stay this socially distant and isolated. My general health is good. In September I got my 6th COVID shot.

I never had kids, and I'm thousands of miles from my next of kin. So I'm alone an awful lot . . . way too much. I know I'm doing this to myself. Back, when I had my very sick sweetie to take care of, I was busy-busy, meeting all his needs. I used to wonder what I would do when he was gone. I told myself that I'm pretty good at meeting needs, and the world is sure not going to run out of need anytime soon. So I resolved to find a good cause, once I was free. I have 40 years experience as a nurse, plus I did a little teaching/tutoring when I was a graduate student for a brief spell. In 2008, I volunteered briefly to do phone calls for a political campaign. I quit that because I felt inadequate, despite being reassurred that I wasn't. (I tend to not stick with things.) I'm older now and telling myself that any skills I may have once had are now atrophied or obsolete. Yup, I clearly have nothing to offer anyone anymore. Your post helps me revisit that dumb conclusion. Plenty of people with less training and education manage to make wonderful contributions to the community. Then I tell myself that I just don't have the right personality. I think I just won't fit in anywhere. It's fear - raw fear rooted in social anxiety.

I really do have social avoidant tendencies. Still, I managed to work and support myself for years. I simply had to. Now that I don't have to work, I'm free to withdraw. Without necessity forcing me out the door, I'm finding it so hard to leave the house. When it was warm, I was getting outside to work on my small garden and tend to my bird feeders. The cold weather has taken some of the joy out of that.

So here I am spiraling down. I fear having very little contact with others over the Christmas season because I love Christmas. Here's one good thing: I've gotten so sick of living the way I'm living that I think I'm now finally desperate enough to try something or anything that might get me out of my shell. For weeks, I kept going to bed every night, saying: "Tomorrow I'll make some kind of a move." Every day I say, "I'll do it tomorrow." Well, now that I've admitted here in writing what the problem is and how awful it's become, I do think I will do something. Coming to this thread and reading something nice said to me really helps balance off all the negative thoughts I have. I tend to really brighten up when anyone tells me something encouraging. Sorry to ramble on so, but thanks for having the patience to read this.

Yes, the seasonal change with less light and the temperature drop has done a number on me. I've gotten real down right at this time of year before.

If you wrote a collection of essays, short stories, a novel, a screenplay or poetry I'd read every single one. You are a great writer! I speak the truth!

It sounds like you've led quite a full and interesting life to say the least. Covid-19 essentially altered the way we socialize - and didn't help those of us who are naturally inclined introverts. So, I understand what you mean.

Sometimes it helps when strangers recognize our inate abilities and gifts and reflect back to us what they see. Writing is a free activity. You write for yourself or write to share your opinions and views with others. You can write for a myriad of reasons. If it's a creative channel that you feel called to do of course. Otherwise, find that creative outlet that calls to you - no matter what that is - and pursue it. I give myself that advice all the time; yet following my own advice is another story....

Glad I could help by listening. Hope you've had a better weekend.

@Motts - thank you again for that feedback. I'm taking it to heart in a good way. Some years back, I went to a nearby university, planning to take an English course. I do like to write and thought it would give me an outlet for that where I could get some feedback. I'ld been a student there briefly many, many years ago.

Well they wouldn't let me register for the course without me providing all my academic records going clear back to high school. I told them they already had all those records because I had done some post graduate work at this university in 1987. They said that records that old were in a warehouse somewhere and inaccessible to them. They could only retrieve digitized records in their computer base. My records were too old to have been put in their computer files. So they said I would have to resubmit everything. I couldn't have collected all that in time to take this course. Plus, I'll bet the schools I attended in my younger days would also probably have had the same problem retrieving their files on me. So I left the campus in tears and gave up. Subsequently, other things demanded my time and attention - like my boyfriend becoming sick and disabled. I abandoned my little dream of finding an outlet to work on some writing. Plus I'm computer illiterate. These days, college participation demands a high level of computer competencey.

As I write this, my thinking clarifies. First of all, I give up too damπ easily. Back then, I should have written a letter to the course instructor requesting special permission to enroll. They had told me that the instructor was demanding records because it was an advanced level English course, and required some proven competency in English composition. I had taken more than enough college level English to meet the prerequisites, but they wanted proof. Your responses above have given me an idea I never thought of before. Had I just written a well thought out letter to the instructor, my letter itself probably would have been amply persuasive that I was competent to take the course.

Our exchange here is giving me real food for thought. Taking such a course may, or may not, be an avenue I should again pursue. But I need to do something as an outlet for some skills that I have. It will take some effort . . . and some courage . . . but I should explore some opportunities to find something that would interest me. I live in a decent size city with tons of things going on. I need to have a little push and not be so quick to give up. Social anxiety does hamper me, but I've overcome that before to do other things in life. Thank you for encouraging me.

I've gotten more depressed. I can't even remember whether I left my house yesterday or not. I don't think I did. Today I've managed to get from the bed to the living room couch. I got kind of weepy a little while ago. Then I got over that.

I joined this website over 12 years ago. I've put up threads before where I complained about being in a depressive episode. I try to not do it too often, but longstanding members who are active in the threads about depression have seen me post before about being in a bad tailspin. I guess it gets repetitive. It probably looks like I make no progress. No one wants to try and fill a bottomless pit of neediness. I'm not presenting a concrete problem that others can offer solutions for. So I should give up hoping for more responses. I know I can't solve my problem online. Maybe that's the message.

I guess I'm a little bit late getting on this. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. For me, for starters, I didn't know what to say about "The Season Change Blues" because I feel the exact opposite. I like this season better than spring and summer. During the spring and summer, my depression increases. But I can feel some depression at this time of year at times. The worst I feel is on Christmas and New Years Eve and Day. So many people get SAD this time of year. Some people are just wired differently about the seasons.

I've always liked your posts and have always agreed with them. And, lots of times, I feel the same way you do. But yet, at times, I don't know what to say. Maybe other people on here feel that way, too.

I've been here for 12 years myself and this place was much better back then than it is now. I met some nice people and it seemed like responses to posts were much more rapid than now. There's so many have left here and there doesn't seem to be the participation anymore like it used to be.

Thanks for your post, @will19. I think maybe members like to help problem solve. When a thread is about a specific situation, it's easier to offer suggestions. If the O.P. discusses an interpersonal conflict, it gives responders something specific to analyse and make predictions about and recommend approaches to. When a person posts that they feel miserable, that can be too broad a condition to address. Every few months, I'm back in the same psychological pit. Hearing about if gets old. I learned years ago not to complain to family about being depressed. "There she goes again." would be their response.

I do come from a decent family. If I suddenly needed a thousand dollars, I could get it immediately. Relatives like knowing there's something specific they can do to help. Plus, I'm materially independent and seldom ask anyone to do anything for me. Also, I pay back loans and look to return favors. So there are those I can call upon, if I need some specific help. But I know not to bother anyone with talk about feeling depressed. They'll say, "Oh, you just do that to yourself." or "You just dwell on negative stuff." or "Going in an out of these upsets is the story of your life." So I learned that, when others ask, "How are you?", the socially appropriate response is, "Fine, thanks. How are you?"

With me, a tendency toward depression is a chronic problem. I think it's a turn-off to hear of someone having the same problem over and over. On a website like this, there are many who have a mental health issue that is chronic. I like to think that other depressives can be understanding. Or maybe they are so discouraged themselves that they have nothing encouraging to say.

I've also gotten the impression that this website used to be more active. I do see a lot of threads started that seem to sit quite a while without drawing much response. There seems to be a core group of longstanding members who do a lot of the posting. Often, newcomers seem to not stay very long.

In between episodes of depression, I feel pretty good and live sensibly. But each episode brings me fear that it might not end. Maybe that's not a pattern that many others recognize. It's my pattern. During an episode, I'm like an animal with a foot caught in a trap. I'm frantic to get free. I want others to tell me that this won't last. I want someone to say, "You'll get over this because you always do get over and recover."

Hi @Rose76 , I've only just found this thread, so I hope it's okay to respond.
I'm sorry you are currently in a depressive tailspin. You know from previous experience that it will eventually pass, but of course that doesn't help while you are stuck in the middle of it, when it feels relentless and never-ending.

Re ways to help you get involved in something that will lift your spirits a little. A couple of brief ideas that come to mind:
Take a short I.T. class to bring your computer skills up to scratch, and maybe then concentrate on your writing, or take further classes in other areas that might interest you.
You have a lot of empathy and compassion for other people, what about using that in a charity setting, perhaps a helpline or drop in centre that needs volunteers.
Maybe these won't be right for you, but thinking about it may give you some other avenues to explore.

I can relate to the feeling of not wanting to socialise, not wanting to go out or talk to anyone, sometimes for days on end. Of just not being able to be bothered with anything. Being at the bottom of the depressive pit is hard, so don't beat yourself up, because if it were that easy to pull ourselves out of it, none of us would be depressed....! I nearly always feel a little better when I've forced myself to achieve something during the day, but often can't find the energy or the motivation to actually do it. You're not alone in feeling like this.

There's nothing wrong in posting that you feel miserable and hoping someone responds. We all need to just be heard and have another person acknowledge us where we're at sometimes.

Sending kind thoughts.
East

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

Sorry rose you know I often respond on your threads. I have been very overwhelmed with ton of stuff in my day to day life and I only respond on some sub forums. I don’t check them all. I should probably check other subforums and threads.

I am sorry you are struggling, know you’ll bounce back. You always do.

In the past I made a lot of practical suggestions but none seemed to be useful to you, so I am not sure what would be helpful. Hugs? I don’t want to keep making unhelpful posts.

@East17 - thank you for posting. You seem to understand how stuck a person can get. Maybe you've had some experience with depressive episodes. Those are good suggestions. I need to get out of the house and look into those things. Some exploration I can do from home. If I do that, I need to take notes and mark my calendar with a specific day and time to go check a thing out. It takes making a commitment. Today, I've been such a wreck, it is helpful just to be heard and acknowledged. Thank you for that.


@divine1966 - thanks for the encouraging words. This is a busy, demanding time of year for most people. It should be for me to. I have a carpet cleaning service coming Monday to do my annual rug cleaning. I need to get my place picked up, so the guy can get at all the carpeting. Then I can begin putting up my tree and Nativity, etc. and figuring out a few gifts to send people and write my Xmas cards. For days I've been thinking I wouldn't bother with any of that. If I don't, it will lead to me being even worse depressed. I have to push myself.

divine1966, you are a practical person. Yes, you've made practical suggestions. I'm sorry, if you think I discarded them. That's not the case.

A pdoc once told me that the concerning thing about my problem with depression was its "chronicity." I like to read and watch biographies. I know lots of people who have lived full lives have experienced depression. I've read of people who had a bad interval of depression, came out of it and went on with their lives. It seems they recovered and did not keep relapsing. I'm amazed at those life stories. Mind is different. I do well in between depressive episodes. But there's always another episode. It has a lot to do with social isolation I'll readily admit that I'm not doing what it takes to change that. I intend to do more. First I have to pull myself up enough to be able to function. The worse stigma that I've encountered is the judgement that, if I would just try harder, I'ld be fine. I even make that judgement of myself. I know my life is exactly what I've made it. If I'm unhappy, I have no one to blame but myself.

I don't go singing the blues to others IRL. No one wants to hear it. "Cry, and you cry alone." I figure on a site like this, there's bound to be others who have chronically recurring depressive episodes. I post, figuring that someone might understand how it is to be stuck.

If I get going on getting organized for the carpet cleaning, I will feel better. It is true for me that getting something accomplished can turn the tide.

I've been suffering from "avolition." It comes across as laziness. It's what makes a person look like they just won't help themselves. It makes a person seem unworthy of compassion. It makes me condemn myself. I say, "The way you feel is exactly the way you deserve to feel." "When you do nothing, you deserve nothing."

I know everyone has to take responsibility for themselves. When I start a thread, I try to use it partly to remind myself of what I need to do to improve things. I like for my thread to lead up to me eventually getting recovered. Then I can say I've gotten over the hump and see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I don't see any light yet.

I have to make myself do things. It's hard because I feel hopeless. I'm lying down way too much. That's the worst thing I can do, but I keep doing it.

I feel like I'ld have more respect for myself, if I just decided to end my life, instead of living in this pathetic way. But I'm too afraid to do that. Besides, things aren't really that awful. Surely this won't last forever. I can look up old threads where I felt very depressed. I managed to get over each of those depressions.

I know the cycle will never end. Even if I recover again, that will only last for a while.

If I got up and started taking care of things . . . like doing the few dishes in the sink and staightening up my messy living room, I'ld probably feel better than I feel right now. I could play some music.

Either I'll improve, or I won't. Either I'll do what I should do, or I'll just get worse. Thanks for listening. No one owes me anything. When, I can report progress, I will.

I took out a library book yesterday called; Regardless of what you were taught to believe, "There is Nothing Wrong With You". It is pretty interesting and below the title it says-----Going Beyond Self-Hate, A comprehensive process for learning to accept yourself exactly as you are.


If you want, I'll let you know if I find it helpful.