A Little Bit Off Today

I am very new to sharing how I feel, but it’s gotten to the point that I don’t know what else to do.

Overview of my current life:
I am about to turn 37 in a few days. I have had severe arthritis since I was 18, but I deal with it. I am married, have been for 10 years, with 1 son.
If you meet me, everything will say I’m just a normal everyday guy. I work a full-time job as a data analyst, and my employer tends to appreciate my work.
I would describe myself as a polite & quite person around strangers, but around my wife and son I am just a giant kid. I goof around, love to play video games, DnD, watch anime and cartoons, etc.

But for the past year, all hobbies I had an interest in have just all faded, and I find myself getting frustrated because of how bored I get with things I used to be able to do for hours on a daily basis without any issues.

As far as my home life is concerned, I feel utterly alone….My wife can be right next to me and it seems like she is never within reach. I feel distant from my son. I am willing to change everything about me, because the one thing I know is every time I stare in the mirror at myself, I feel absolute HATE towards myself. But even though I changed my habits, it doesn’t seem like anything has changed. I am now stuck in a daily rut of going to work, going home, going to bed, waking up and repeating. My days seem to fade into each other.

I feel like I’m the “nothing else better to do guy”. Meaning it only seems like anyone ever has an interest in me if they have absolutely nothing else better to do or focus on. Even with my wife, is only seems like she flirts or shows any sexual interest in me when she is honestly bored, and it is getting more and more rare even for her to show any interest at all.

I have no true friends, and I can’t take my issues to my wife because even if they are not about her, I don’t want to cause her anymore anxiety or concern. I’m holding the weight on my shoulders to spare my family from my pain, but it’s breaking through. I catch myself starting to cry for no reason, I won’t even be thinking of anything, just zoning out.

I am a very stout male; crying has always been (to me) a weakness that you don’t show to others. But it is getting to where I can’t control it. Even having thoughts of just ending it all, but I can’t. I know there will be nothing that would drive me to do that, because I wouldn’t be able to rest knowing I did that to my family.

So, I just get dressed every day and work, to support my family. But I’m struggling more than anyone can see, more than I think most people can comprehend. Even typing this up, my mind is asking me, “Why?” “Why even write this, why try, nothing anyone will say to this will help in any way because my issues are my own, and they may be similar to some but not the same.” “Why ask for advise when you know you won’t take it, in the long run?” “Everyone has issues, its how you deal with them that makes you who you are.”

Which the last thought has a point, but that’s just it, I AM dealing with it, but I hate it, I hate myself so much, but I'm “dealing” with it by bundling it all up in the very darkest parts of my mind and trying to forget it. I don’t do drugs, and don’t drink, hell I can’t even sleep right to help ease my mind for at least a couple of hours.

There is a lot I am leaving out because I cant make myself type them out, because I feel like I'm just making excuses. I have a family, a job, not struggling financially, but something feels off, very off. I don't want to be put onto pills, I don't want a Band-Aid fix, if I cant fix it, I will just deal with it till I die from natural causes. I just hope, I don't spend the rest of my life feeling like I am nothing, hating myself, and not really knowing what to do.

I just….I'm just…tired…so freaking tired.

@Tribbs welcome to MSF. I am sorry you have reached a period of lacking interest in the things that once interested you. That must be a disappointment.

I do not have answers for you but if you are open to looking at a couple questions here goes:

What do you expect of yourself that you are so upset and disappointed in who you are right now?

What do you think other people, your parents, your wife, your child, expect of you that you have disappointed them?

I ask myself these kind of questions because my parents had big expectations of me and I fell far short of what they anticipated. But I found I can only do the best I can. I do not expect more of you than that. Also the older I get, the more I realize that even my own expectations were not realistic. Life is impermanent and I was not prepared for that. I was really blindsided by how life keeps changing. Coping is difficut.

Sometimes it is easier for me to open up anonymously online than in real person. Hope you give it a try.

Glad to meet you. Hope to hear from you again. @CANDC