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assortedfortune
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Default Feb 08, 2024 at 08:49 PM
  #1
Here is some context. I'm 29 Male, my ex was 26 female. We were both in an asexual relationship, it was also primarily long-distance. We dated for about half a year, and everything seemed perfect. We made plans to meet before New Years eve and I flew out 2k miles just to meet her. Our first night together felt magical, and I still think fondly of that day. However, something was wrong the second day. She felt very cold and distant, spending most the time on her phone while we were shopping. She kept saying she didn't feel well, but I assume it was due to lack of sleep and wanting a nap. We got back to the place we rented alone, and she said she wanted to nap on the couch by herself. I laid down in the bed for a little while until she came to wake me up in full-blown tears. She has had struggles in the past with relationships, her first relationship ended with a panic attack resulting in her identifying as asexual. However, she's had lingering feelings of being Aromantic ever since. She swore off dating for 7+ years until I came along. She was crying, and told me she felt like dating just isn't for her and that we needed to breakup. I believe her, she's a very genuine person and wouldn't deceive me about something like that. The place we rented had two beds, so she didn't leave me alone as we still had week-long plans to tackle. We spent a few nights chatting and gaming like normal until I eventually had to go home. We also agreed to try our best to remain friends.

Coming back to my home was rough. My living situation is toxic and temporary. I had plans to move with my former girlfriend but that obviously isn't going to happen anymore. Each morning feels like it's harder and harder to wakeup. I used to wake up at like 8am to get my day started and look forward to talking to her. Now I'm waking up at 4pm. I still slightly exercise and i've been trying to eat better. But I feel like I'm in a horrible lull right now. I don't have many friends to talk to about this.

I also keep falling into anxiety-loops replaying scenarios in my head. Like, maybe I was being too pushy with physical touch. Or my least favorite one, maybe my appearance and looks just wasn't what she wanted in her life. She knew what I looked like, so she should have known I was a little hefty. Although my recent photos might not have given her that impression and it wasn't until we met did she realize she wasn't attracted to me. But, we were both asexual and I don't think physical attraction matters to her much.

I've asked her a few things like if I at least made her happy or if she truely loved me back. I got basically non-answers resulting in "I don't knows". Another one I don't understand is when I asked her about our compatibility and if she believed in it, she told me she thinks her wires might have been mixed, This hurts, because I feel like we were extremely compatible and it was something we talked about often. We knew eachother for 3 years, and supposedly both had crushes on eachother but were too afraid to confront those feelings until I started asking her to spend time with me more.

These past few weeks have been rough for our friendship. We've had a few fights that were ultimately all my fault. I thought we could have healthy conversations about our breakup but she clearly doesn't want to talk about it. She's gotten mad at me a few times which has made me realize it's not worth risking our friendship by asking her so much. We also used to regularly voice chat, however she's recently put a damper on that. She's told me she needs a break from the daily voice-chats as it was starting to feel like a chore to her.

She feels very distant from me now which makes me depressed. Everything reminds me of her. I think about how happy I was before my trip, and how all of it went down in a blink. I keep thinking about how I'm upset, and she seems perfectly happy. That if our relationship mattered to her, why doesn't she at least feel a little considerate about what I'm going through.

Again to clarify we broke up because she came out as aromantic. Therefore, I feel like we shouldn't be becoming so distant from eachother. If she isn't capable of romantic connections I totally get that, but why cut me off entirely?
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TheGal
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Default Feb 13, 2024 at 06:44 PM
  #2
So sorry for your suffering.

It's a tricky thing to invest so much in a longdistance relationship without knowing the person.

This young woman clearly has issues, and you have to realize they're not your issues.

Now is the time to grieve and also engage in as many activities as possible that are healthy and help you get over this loss.

If you're finding yourself significantly depressed and impaired by it, you could reach out to a psychologisit to talk this through, or check out a group called HeyPeers - Where Peers and Support Groups Connect.

But, it's going to take some time, you invested heavily in this ...

Take extra good care of yourself... eat well, get good quality sleep and exercise. Establish routines for these.
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Thanks for this!
OafFish
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Default Feb 13, 2024 at 11:18 PM
  #3
I know the feeling, too well, too often

Sometimes all you can do is let go of the people who want to be let go.

It doesn’t stop the hurt, but there’s not really an alternative, I’m sorry.
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