Painful Decade ends, hopefully

I wanted to post a summary of my 9yrs relationship, and know what i could've done to preserve my relationship. As in this moment i ended this permenantly i told my ex i found out the truth and how neglected, and depressed i was with her so i doubt she will try to find me again.



We met around 2013-14 (forgot the date) we met in a online chat, and my ex claimed
she was a male (i'm a gay male) we ended up talking for hours, and had a connection, we talked on the phone, and video calls for the next few months so i didn't rush things. Finally i had the courage to ask my ex out, but i had to attempt it 3 times since the first 2 she thought i was meaning we should hang out. i was blunt and told my ex flat out i wanted to be your boyfriend after i told her my 2 failed attemps she was shocked i been trying to date her.

Foward a year, i told my ex my past partners, how i was tricked by other people into falling in love and forcing me to stay with them after they told me their real gender (i know im stupid for dating online, but i was in my early 20s and lonely) she assured me she would never lie, and claiming she was indeed born male, I was so young and in love with my ex i was blinded by small hints and lies she would leave, but in the back of my head kept bothering me.

Around year 3 she finally became a bit more close, she sent me private pictures claiming it was her, and of course were pictures of a male. yet the title of the images sent were screenshots. at this point i was obssesed with her i felt like i would kill myself if she asked me too. That's when i decided i wanted to marry her, we made plans to be together in rl life, i told her all my secrets fears etc.. I opened my heart completely not knowing my ex was really a female, and sending me fake pictures of a random guy.

After this point foward we were enganged and our relationship deteriorate i sent her s ring as well, i would send gifts for bdays and vdays. which was perfect since our bdays were close i was on the 14th of feb, and she was th 12th. but all my attempts to fix our dying relationsihp didn't work, she claimed she felt the same and dreamed of us being together yet did no plans to meet just empty words. She claimed she wanted to send me gifts too, but kept making excuses, i wanted to be intiment with her but made more excusses she would say "i can't im living with my mom and she might walk in." i tried sending her love songs, gifts, drawings (im artist for a living) anything i could to grab her attention,

i was despreate after the year 7 i was constantly alone waiting for a message, i would wait on my phone, and all the 5 social sites we hanged waiting for someone who would never had time for me. I would sit alone in my room thinking if this was worth the pain. Everynight before i passed out of exhaustied i would tell myself "maybe tomorrow i'll get to see him" but i knew the answer to that and sometimes cry to sleep.

I was depressed for years, i didn't have the motivation to send gifts anymore, last time i did was on year 7 of the relationship, and i was ignored i spend most of my money on a giant box filled with gifts and shipped it, just for my birthday (which was 2 days later) to be left ignore, and alone. i remember 2 days later after my bday she messaged me like nothing happend, and from that year on i kept my emotions bottle up

last two years of the relationship was the worst, i was so depressed, i felt neglected, ignore, worthless, a burden that im holding my ex back. Opening up didnt work, expressing my love with gifts, actions nothing worked, all i ever wanted was to be with my ex, nothing i did ever worked i felt like a failure, but in no point i wanted to end my life. I started responding with every text my ex gave me with a single word like "ok" or "sure" i didn't have the energy to write a whole responce anymore.

Foward to last year 9 i broke up in 2022 december, i was still desprate, and ask her to be friends and she said yes. Still after all this she wouldn't tell me the truth, i told her what i wanted, and my feelings one last time. I wanted to meet her in rl and see if we can fix this, she agreed. But again after a few months she went back to her old selve, i get left alone, neglected until out of nowhere she started hanging with my friends and said she ended up sleeping with another guy. I though we were saving for us to meet irl, but guess i thought i wasnt worth it..

Finally to today,
Last year she told me she was getting married and happy, i was so depressed, i lost so many friends cause i didn't want to spend time with anyone. I was 24 when we met, and a virgin. I begged my ex to be intimet with me and after years of begging i got 2 fake photos.. i felt worthless, and my ex just found the first guy she found and slept with him in just 2 months.

After that i still had doubts she was married just last week on the 9th i tried to talk to her, she convinced me she was indeed married and since the break up she had mental issues because of me, and had a sex change to male with a female part (i don't want to post the term for it) so basically she made me believe i was the reason she cut off her genitles...
I was devestated i cried for days until i met her rl friend online. Both of them had a fight in rl, and after i told her my ex was her rl friend she told me everything, her real gender, her real attituted towards everyone (she was a selft entitle karen Sorry, but thats the best way i can describe it)
she started seeing everyone as enemies out to get her, and her rl friend never met this husband my ex kept bragging about.

now im a single 33 yr male who still a virgin, im sorry if this sounds cliche but i saved myself for my ex i wanted to be in love when i first did it, and when i told her that she just brushed it away with a sorry.
right now im sad, angry, and lost. why would another human being be so heartless to someone who only showed love to her. Im guessing if my ex would message me now i would accept just being friends with her, but i know that's a mistake i know she will hurt me agian. Luckly i followed the advice i got when i research dealing with a break up. to surrond myself with friends, and it works i feel so happy when im with them and rarely think of my ex. But sometimes is hard being alone, idk if i did something wrong but i really want to know what i could've done differently. i told my ex i didn't care abot gender all i wanted was her, i hate lies but im was willing to get past it, but still told me lies and rejected me just wanted to stay friends.

sorry for mistakes, writing this gave me flashbacks when i was happy and couldn't stop tearing up.

I'm so sorry for your pain and for having been lied to and for having invested so much.

It might be worth consulting with a therapist/psychologist who can help you work this through: for you to feel better and better about yourself.

Hugs, if wanted.