I'm so afraid to ask for help.

I need some encouragement . . . badly. Since Nov, I've been struggling with depression. In early Feb, I thought I had improved a lot and was getting back to a normal frame of mind.

Well, that didn't last. For days, now, I've been getting more and more desperate. At times, I'm frantic. I know I am just too alone way too much. I know exactly what I could do about it. But I don't do it. I stay in this chair in my living room, like I'm frozen. I don't get out of my pajamas or even hardly brush my teeth. I find stuff to read online or videos to watch. It's like I escape into cyberspace.

I am breaking down everyday, having spells so bad, I wish I were dead rather than feeling this way. I need help. This is going on too long. I tried contacting therapists in my area. None responded.

The thing I've been avoiding is calling my primary care doctor to discuss this. He could refer me to the psych department. That's what I dread, like the plague. I was involved with them ten years ago. It's a cold and creepy place. They have their own building. It does both inpatient and outpatient. They are overwhelmed by demand, as they are a state run facility. They get a lot of the most disturbed people in the community - people who have nowhere else to go and have no insurance.

But I, too, have a right to be helped. I've got to start sticking up for myself. So I think I will call my primary care clinic right now for an appointment. I'm so petrified that I'll regret this. That's why I need some encouragement to just go ahead. I am just worried sick that the response I'll get will be one of total disinterest and I'll feel way worse, like I'm just going to be rejected.

I have to do something. I keep thinking that this is getting worse and worse. There should be some support for me, but I have no faith in the system. It's awful to feel no trust.