I woke up feeling dreadful for today with work that's supposed to be going on around me. There work was being done today but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Some noise but not very loud like last week.

Nothing much to report about for today. Just did some shopping this morning and that's about it. I feel a bit down but not terribly depressed like last week, so that's good.

[3rd rock]

This may sound like an odd complaint, but I believe the new psych meds I've been put on have killed my sex drive. In the interests of keeping it PG, I won't elaborate further.

I remain on the psych ward, as of today a voluntary patient. They tell me to expect transfer to another facility soon, a sort of halfway house, until I can get into treatment. The medical advice is not to go home at this time, not until completing treatment, so as to avoid relapse in the meantime.

[Rose76]

Tuesday went pretty okay for me. I got a few important things done. Now it's after midnight, so it's already Wed. I just have to get to bed soon. I had several weepy spells, but they didn't last too long. I kept turning my attention back to what I had to get done. I did laundry, which felt satisfying. Grief is very unsettling. Still, I know I will find peace one day in the future. I've been through grief before. It's kind of miraculous how we heal. For a period of time, the reality of someone being permanently gone feels unbearable and unacceptable. Somehow the mind and heart do eventually adapt. I've been through this before. So I'm telling myself that how I feel right now is not how I'll always feel. That makes the pain of now more tolerable.

Being alone is what's making this extra-hard right now. Soon I'll be with my sisters and their families. Having people around to talk with will be comforting. I did tell 3 of my neighbors. They were nice. I hope my visit goes well. Family gets-togethers can go sideways, which I'll try very hard to not let happen.

[3rd rock]

I have been informed that it could take several weeks to get into treatment. I have told the psychiatrist if the wait is longer than two weeks I will check myself out of the ward as a voluntary patient and just go home. I feel I'd be safe at home, with minimal risk of relapse in the short term; in my mind the purpose of treatment is to prevent relapse in the long term. I'm not willing to spend several weeks more in the hospital, as I'd much prefer the comfort of my own home.

[Rose76]

I've done nothing today. Felt sad and felt tired. Was awake till after dawn. Missed a doctor's appointment.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Today has gone a lot better because I got dressed and got out of the house. Shopped at Sam's Club. Picked up a Subway sandwich. I still keep getting teary-eyed over my brother. But spending days at home in my pajamas sure wasn't doing me any good. After I eat, I'll go to Walmart for birdseed. I managed to do a little gardening earlier, which helped me.

sounds amazing

I'm just coping through with the noises that have been going on around me lately. Also I feel like I'm losing in life so much lately, like on a losing streak. I wish some good news would happen.

[Rose76]

Today was better. I'm packing now. I'm kind of looking forward to my trip. At the same time, I'll be glad to get back home.

[Kahapati]

I‘m just another human being with depression that struggles with getting things done, especially mornings are horrible.. everything feels heavy, my limbs , my mind.. I’ve been crying a lot lately.

I grew up with discipline and the mantra „No matter how you feel you must keep your place clean“.. so I crawl and do cleaning.

It took me years to give up sugar and processed foods.. I‘m on a more strict diet, ketogenic/Carniovore since 3 years, I’ve had really good weeks, but diet is not magic , yet without being more cautious with foods I’d probably struggle more.

It took me 2 hrs to get to the gym, and do weight training which was quite good.

Still, mornings are tough and I‘m crying a lot!

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by will19

I'm just coping through with the noises that have been going on around me lately. Also I feel like I'm losing in life so much lately, like on a losing streak. I wish some good news would happen.

Me too. And I've realized that it's not just the noise which is bad enough, it's the uncertainty of how long it will last. Hence, the upstairs guests are giving me an uncertainty I don't usually have. So I don't know when they will leave, unlike the tenant who leaves between 8 and 9am on weekdays. Disruption and unknowns really have me beside myself. It's a bad combo.

I too feel losses. I posted in the Remembrance Day thread as did you, and that got me to thinking of all the losses. And how I don't have ANYONE left to call if something happens.....good or bad. All the "friends" I had ghosted me and they weren't of quality anyway so it's a good thing in a way. But were they better than nothing?

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Today was better. I'm packing now. I'm kind of looking forward to my trip. At the same time, I'll be glad to get back home.

Ambivalence. I know that feeling and hate it.

[Kahapati]

How do you wake up to this same old reality , same people, same thing always…. Well a voice in me tells: It’s up for you to change, cos nothing will miraculously change.. it is true yet I‘m deeply deeply sad, everything is seen through the lens of grief.. (No I didn’t loose anyone) Yet the Grief paints everything in the color of grief.. which is dark, grey maybe?! I don’t know..

If someone is would ask me.. Do you like being alive? Being a human being? No absolutely Not..

Yet , something in me wants No brain fog, No gut issues No chronic fatigue, So I‘m disciplined.. that’s all what keeps me moving. There aren’t many people I like, or care about.. except for my husband and my mom..

I left my home country and here I am, it always feels like exhile

[3rd rock]

I go home from the psych ward tomorrow. Then it'll be a month-long wait to get into my treatment center of choice. However, I'm deeply depressed right now, as I'm afraid I've made the wrong decision. I thought I could go a month at home without relapsing, but now I'm afraid. I'm thinking about going to meetings but I'm too avoidant to try it on my own. I feel like I can't stay here or in any of the other options that were presented to me, but neither can I go home. I'm trapped with no way out. I absolutely hate myself.

[3rd rock]

I apologize for the double-post, but I'm feeling very sad. At the psych ward they took me off my prior anti-depressant and put me on a new one. Maybe it takes a few weeks at least for the new one to take effect, but right now it's not doing anything. I'm in constant pain. It feels like a physical pain, like there's a hole in my body where my heart should be. I am not contemplating suicide, but the pain is about as bad as it's ever been. And I can't stop crying. They discharged me today, after I'd indicated my intent to leave today as a voluntary patient, but now I feel so alone. I live alone and I have no friends. I could go to an AA meeting tomorrow, but the people there only want to talk about alcoholism, not depression. I don't know how to handle such immense pain; I never learned. The most I ever learned how to do is how to get from one day to the next. I don't know how to do anything else. I'm just going to stay up all night crying and playing video games or something.

[Buffy01]

last Friday my niece becoming emotionally abusive towards her mom and brother which makes me why no one has ever : report her to the authorities I found myself no longer : wanting arguing: to have anything to do with her

[Rose76]

Feeling sad about a lot of things.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by 3rd rock

I apologize for the double-post, but I'm feeling very sad. At the psych ward they took me off my prior anti-depressant and put me on a new one. Maybe it takes a few weeks at least for the new one to take effect, but right now it's not doing anything. I'm in constant pain. It feels like a physical pain, like there's a hole in my body where my heart should be. I am not contemplating suicide, but the pain is about as bad as it's ever been. And I can't stop crying. They discharged me today, after I'd indicated my intent to leave today as a voluntary patient, but now I feel so alone. I live alone and I have no friends. I could go to an AA meeting tomorrow, but the people there only want to talk about alcoholism, not depression. I don't know how to handle such immense pain; I never learned. The most I ever learned how to do is how to get from one day to the next. I don't know how to do anything else. I'm just going to stay up all night crying and playing video games or something.

I’m sorry :sadhug that everything feels so terrible

[3rd rock]

I have resumed work on my novel. I'm trying a new approach: instead of trying to write each chapter and scene in order, I'm skipping back and forth to write key scenes throughout the story. It seems to be working, as I've managed to write over 2,000 words today. This has kept me distracted from the darkest of thoughts I've been plagued with lately. I have to focus on my writing, since the fantasy of getting this novel published and becoming a successful author is basically the only thing that gives me any hope for the future at all. I've also been spending a lot of time with my pets, who are the only source of joy in my life.

After my discharge from the psychiatric ward on Saturday, I've been on the waitlist to get into a treatment center for addiction. I chatted briefly today with a social worker from the local mental health center after she called. We talked about my plans moving forward and what to do if things take a wrong turn. She's going to call again to check in on Thursday or Friday. I'm still off work, with no expected return date. I'm still waiting on a decision on my application for Employment Insurance benefits for short-term disability. It's assured I'll get approved, as my medical provider filled out all the required paperwork for me. It's been a little over two weeks, and the Service Canada website says to allow for up to four weeks.

[Rose76]

I got through another day. Now I feel sad.

[3rd rock]

I received a call from the treatment center I decided on today. While I was in the hospital, they told me it'd be a four-week wait once I was discharged. That happened on Saturday. Today, they told me the wait would be 6-8 weeks. I expect in 6 weeks they'll call me to tell me it'll actually be 12-14 weeks. Then a few weeks after that, 20-24 weeks. And after that, who knows? The endless extensions on wait times has me feeling very dejected and hopeless. I am starting to experience some dark thoughts again. Except I can't admit it to anyone because I won't be confined to the hospital again. I won't allow it. I either struggle through this or I die. There are no other options. I have nothing and no one.