[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Today was better. I'm packing now. I'm kind of looking forward to my trip. At the same time, I'll be glad to get back home.

Ambivalence. I know that feeling and hate it.

[Kahapati]

How do you wake up to this same old reality , same people, same thing always…. Well a voice in me tells: It’s up for you to change, cos nothing will miraculously change.. it is true yet I‘m deeply deeply sad, everything is seen through the lens of grief.. (No I didn’t loose anyone) Yet the Grief paints everything in the color of grief.. which is dark, grey maybe?! I don’t know..

If someone is would ask me.. Do you like being alive? Being a human being? No absolutely Not..

Yet , something in me wants No brain fog, No gut issues No chronic fatigue, So I‘m disciplined.. that’s all what keeps me moving. There aren’t many people I like, or care about.. except for my husband and my mom..

I left my home country and here I am, it always feels like exhile

[3rd rock]

I go home from the psych ward tomorrow. Then it'll be a month-long wait to get into my treatment center of choice. However, I'm deeply depressed right now, as I'm afraid I've made the wrong decision. I thought I could go a month at home without relapsing, but now I'm afraid. I'm thinking about going to meetings but I'm too avoidant to try it on my own. I feel like I can't stay here or in any of the other options that were presented to me, but neither can I go home. I'm trapped with no way out. I absolutely hate myself.

[3rd rock]

I apologize for the double-post, but I'm feeling very sad. At the psych ward they took me off my prior anti-depressant and put me on a new one. Maybe it takes a few weeks at least for the new one to take effect, but right now it's not doing anything. I'm in constant pain. It feels like a physical pain, like there's a hole in my body where my heart should be. I am not contemplating suicide, but the pain is about as bad as it's ever been. And I can't stop crying. They discharged me today, after I'd indicated my intent to leave today as a voluntary patient, but now I feel so alone. I live alone and I have no friends. I could go to an AA meeting tomorrow, but the people there only want to talk about alcoholism, not depression. I don't know how to handle such immense pain; I never learned. The most I ever learned how to do is how to get from one day to the next. I don't know how to do anything else. I'm just going to stay up all night crying and playing video games or something.

[Buffy01]

last Friday my niece becoming emotionally abusive towards her mom and brother which makes me why no one has ever : report her to the authorities I found myself no longer : wanting arguing: to have anything to do with her

[Rose76]

Feeling sad about a lot of things.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by 3rd rock

I apologize for the double-post, but I'm feeling very sad. At the psych ward they took me off my prior anti-depressant and put me on a new one. Maybe it takes a few weeks at least for the new one to take effect, but right now it's not doing anything. I'm in constant pain. It feels like a physical pain, like there's a hole in my body where my heart should be. I am not contemplating suicide, but the pain is about as bad as it's ever been. And I can't stop crying. They discharged me today, after I'd indicated my intent to leave today as a voluntary patient, but now I feel so alone. I live alone and I have no friends. I could go to an AA meeting tomorrow, but the people there only want to talk about alcoholism, not depression. I don't know how to handle such immense pain; I never learned. The most I ever learned how to do is how to get from one day to the next. I don't know how to do anything else. I'm just going to stay up all night crying and playing video games or something.

I’m sorry :sadhug that everything feels so terrible

[3rd rock]

I have resumed work on my novel. I'm trying a new approach: instead of trying to write each chapter and scene in order, I'm skipping back and forth to write key scenes throughout the story. It seems to be working, as I've managed to write over 2,000 words today. This has kept me distracted from the darkest of thoughts I've been plagued with lately. I have to focus on my writing, since the fantasy of getting this novel published and becoming a successful author is basically the only thing that gives me any hope for the future at all. I've also been spending a lot of time with my pets, who are the only source of joy in my life.

After my discharge from the psychiatric ward on Saturday, I've been on the waitlist to get into a treatment center for addiction. I chatted briefly today with a social worker from the local mental health center after she called. We talked about my plans moving forward and what to do if things take a wrong turn. She's going to call again to check in on Thursday or Friday. I'm still off work, with no expected return date. I'm still waiting on a decision on my application for Employment Insurance benefits for short-term disability. It's assured I'll get approved, as my medical provider filled out all the required paperwork for me. It's been a little over two weeks, and the Service Canada website says to allow for up to four weeks.

[Rose76]

I got through another day. Now I feel sad.

[3rd rock]

I received a call from the treatment center I decided on today. While I was in the hospital, they told me it'd be a four-week wait once I was discharged. That happened on Saturday. Today, they told me the wait would be 6-8 weeks. I expect in 6 weeks they'll call me to tell me it'll actually be 12-14 weeks. Then a few weeks after that, 20-24 weeks. And after that, who knows? The endless extensions on wait times has me feeling very dejected and hopeless. I am starting to experience some dark thoughts again. Except I can't admit it to anyone because I won't be confined to the hospital again. I won't allow it. I either struggle through this or I die. There are no other options. I have nothing and no one.

[Rose76]

Today is going ok. Still kind of sad.

[DeeeSchmeee68]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I got through another day. Now I feel sad.

I hope you can find a little peace today

Sent from my SM-A146U using Tapatalk

[DeeeSchmeee68]

I'm feeling OK. Since I had long covid a year ago I've noticed that literally everything, eating, not eating, sleeping, not sleeping, medication you name it , has a profound effect on me

Sent from my SM-A146U using Tapatalk

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by 3rd rock

I received a call from the treatment center I decided on today. While I was in the hospital, they told me it'd be a four-week wait once I was discharged. That happened on Saturday. Today, they told me the wait would be 6-8 weeks. I expect in 6 weeks they'll call me to tell me it'll actually be 12-14 weeks. Then a few weeks after that, 20-24 weeks. And after that, who knows? The endless extensions on wait times has me feeling very dejected and hopeless. I am starting to experience some dark thoughts again. Except I can't admit it to anyone because I won't be confined to the hospital again. I won't allow it. I either struggle through this or I die. There are no other options. I have nothing and no one.

I’m

[Rose76]

I am very sad. I am getting more and more depressed. Tomorrow we go to the veterans' cemetery to inter my brother's remains.

Maybe I'll feel better when I get home.

Today wasn't a good day. i felt like things were just going against me. What's the use, sometimes?

[Rose76]

Yesterday went well. It was sad at the cemetery but it was normal grief. I wasn't depressed. This morning went well. I fly back home on Tuesday. I got a cheap ticket.

[3rd rock]

I have written about 25,000 words towards the first draft of my current project, almost all of it since getting out of the psychiatric ward one week ago today. I'd hoped to finish a first draft before returning to work after undergoing treatment for my addiction; given the current waitlist for treatment and my current pace of writing, I'll finish the draft before even getting into treatment. Depending on how quickly various rewrites go, I could finish this novel by the end of the summer. At the absolute latest, I'll likely finish by the end of the year. And then, in the new year, I can start making submissions. Given that the delusional fantasy of becoming a bestselling author is the only source of hope in my life, I'm ambivalent on my chances realistically. The odds are stacked against me, but this novel is shaping up to be my best effort yet.

[Rose76]

Saturday I felt kind of low mentally. I'm still visiting relatives. In a few days, I'll be home and relieved to have this trip over with. I feel like I'm kind of in the way here.

[Shahope]

Friday was a really tough day for me as i was feeling very in distress and has suicidal thoughts. But i still mananged to go to an appointment with a social worker which went well. Today i feel much better!

[Rose76]

I felt a bit better today. Tuesday I go home. It'll be good to get back home. Sadness still clings to me.

[3rd rock]

I feel really sad right now. I'm trying to focus on my writing, but sometimes it's hard to get much done. When I get sad like this it tends to come on quickly, without any apparent provocation, and it feels like actual pain at the center of my chest. It makes it really hard to think of anything else. I'm not eating much these days, although I am continuing to consume fluids.

I went to the Dermatologist early this morning for a check-up. I've had some Basel Cell skin cancers in the past. In itself it's not a big deal but it's a nuisance to have to have work on it. This morning I got looked at and had to have a couple of biopsies. In the last few years I had been doing great with the check-ups but not this time. The two biopsies have been sent to a lab and I'm waiting for results. The Dermatologist told me that if it's something it would most likely turn out to be Basel Cell.

I felt bummed when I left the office. I felt like I was in the "twilight zone". It's that deep seeded depression and disappointment after the visit. I'm trying to tell myself that this isn't so bad. After all I've been through it before. It's just that I'm a perfectionist and things do go wrong at times or not go the way I want to. I have a hard time learning it. You would think, with my age, that I would realize it by now!

[Rose76]

Flying home now. I still have that sadness clinging to me. But I'm not very depressed.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by will19

snip:

It's just that I'm a perfectionist and things do go wrong at times or not go the way I want to. I have a hard time learning it. You would think, with my age, that I would realize it by now!

Same here. The older I get the more trouble I have with change or disruption. My upstairs neighbor’s guests FINALLY left about a month of torture 7 days a week. It was the disruption that bothered me more than the extra noise. By that I mean I didn’t know when a guest was going to take a shower or stomp across my ceiling. At least the tenant usually leaves between 8 and 9am weekdays. But his guests were all over the place, schedule wise.

Last night I waited for the neighbor to take his usual late shower. It was later than usual, which was a disruption in a weird way for me, so I had trouble falling asleep. I waited for more noise.

This morning it seems there’s still one guest up there. It’s not only annoying but triggering since nobody visits or checks on me.
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