Another Saturday. Felt alright in the morning because of cleaning. Before cleaning, I didn't feel like doing it. I felt too down and depressed and thought I wouldn't be able to. But I went ahead anyways and glad that I did. I always want a clean place for myself, even though no one else will ever see it.

I'm feeling depressed now this afternoon. The outlook for the future looks dismal. There's going to be new developments nearby with a lot of noise and more crowds, which I'm not crazy about. My social life is terrible. and I'm stuck with all of this.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by will19

snip: There's going to be new developments nearby with a lot of noise and more crowds, which I'm not crazy about. My social life is terrible. and I'm stuck with all of this.

Same here. I too try to keep my place clean, even though I never have guests. But I do have allergies so try to keep up on dusting and vacuuming, depressing and exhausting as they are to do.

[VabGirl]

I hope things work out. Try some noise cancelling headphones

[Buffy01]

I just found out that my neighbor next door has passed away last Friday

The morning started off crappy. My sister called. It went OK when we talked but then I wanted to say something important and then she suddenly had to cut out on me. That got me very upset.

All morning I've been feeling lousy about the phone call from my sister, I'm dreading tomorrow with work going on across the street, and I've been calling my old college friend but haven't been able to reach him. I hope he's alright. I've called twice. It's not like him to be hard to reach.

Right now I feel the lowest that I have felt in a long time.

To Buffy ---> I'm sorry to hear about your next door neighbor. Six months ago a man passed away in next apartment from me and that was upsetting.

[3rd rock]

The food on the psychiatric ward is way better than the food in the ER. I mean, it’s hospital food but still way better. Last night they served teriyaki salmon for dinner. I swear I'm not making that up.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by will19

snip: I hope he's alright. I've called twice. It's not like him to be hard to reach.

Right now I feel the lowest that I have felt in a long time.

Six months ago a man passed away in next apartment from me and that was upsetting.

Is this the same man you once let go then let him back in your life? I think you said you'd disagree on many things and argue too.

A neighbor in my building passed this past February. He was the accountant for the landlord and I think he's lived in the building since it was constructed in the 1970's! Another neighbor told me, the manager never sent an email about it for some reason. I still see mail addressed to him which is upsetting. One day I saw a different car in his spot and I thought he got a new car.

Then I got the news from that neighbor, who thought the same thing when she saw that car. One of the maintenance guys told her. I never thought that would be the reason for that different car.

I feel the lowest I've been in a long time too, but for different reasons. One of them is finding out how so many people just pay lip service for having concern for me, and a whole week of listening to my upstairs neighbor with all his guests just made the isolated feeling off the charts.

Today is the first day I've had SOME quiet during the day, as it seems his guests finally left.

I'm dreading next weekend, a holiday weekend, where as usual I'll be doing nothing and be with nobody. At least they don't seem to set off fireworks on Memorial Day. And I'm glad I got my grocery shopping done so people like the cashier won't ask me about my holiday plans. Why am I supposed to have plans? Then they tell me all about theirs.

Originally Posted by nonightowl

Is this the same man you once let go then let him back in your life? I think you said you'd disagree on many things and argue too.

No, he's a friend of mine from college. He's 3000 miles away from me. He and I talked later this afternoon. He was out for a while in the late morning.

The one who I've let go and let back in is totally out now. He and I agreed that it would be the best for the both of us to leave each other alone. I really hated to do it since he was the only local friend I had.

So much is whirling within me now with all kinds of things going wrong. The split up I had with my friend a month ago, the neighborhood is going downhill, and my sister and I not getting along well. This year started off OK, but now I feel like this could end up the worst year in my life ever.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by will19

No, he's a friend of mine from college. He's 3000 miles away from me. He and I talked later this afternoon. He was out for a while in the late morning.

The one who I've let go and let back in is totally out now. He and I agreed that it would be the best for the both of us to leave each other alone. I really hated to do it since he was the only local friend I had.

So much is whirling within me now with all kinds of things going wrong. The split up I had with my friend a month ago, the neighborhood is going downhill, and my sister and I not getting along well. This year started off OK, but now I feel like this could end up the worst year in my life ever.

I'm glad your old college friend is alright. Sorry to hear the other guy is gone but it sounds like it's better in the long run, glad it was mutual also.

Thanks for giving me a safe place to vent, as it seems we have similar experiences and I can relate to a lot of what you say. Plus we have the same personality type and are in the same decade age wise.

Well I just had to vent about the upstairs neighbor again. He comes home early with a $hitload of guests, several adults and kids that look young enough to run and scream. I immediately put on my earplugs when I happen to see them while looking out the window. They just HAVE to come while I'm so low, and I know it's going to be noisy and I can forget trying to watch TV which I like to do at night. Even with headphones there's no point, not with that many people up there and laminate flooring now.

I'm not a night person at all and normally sign off of here in the afternoon but I just had to get it off my chest. It's so triggering to not only see them but HEAR them. I'm already worried they are going to be around yet another effing week, through the holiday. And I have hours to go before bedtime, and I hope I'll get some sleep. Even though I don't have to be anywhere tomorrow, I don't want to feel like crap (more than usual) due to sleep deprivation.

And I normally only wear earplugs at bedtime, so they aren't comfortable any other time like now. But I NEEDED some more quiet and since they came back that's all gone out the window. I also turned on a fan for white noise. Right now I HATE this place.

Just jumped on here to vent and use one of my favorite emojis, because it's the most expressive for me now: Gosh this little guy isn't banging his head hard enough for me.

Now I'm going to try to read, though I don't feel like it.

[Rose76]

I'm doing pretty well. I've not posted much lately because I've had a lot to get done. I've been busy in a good way.

I still see the psychologist once a month. Also I see a therapist. I've been staying out of the trough of depression. Being down there was awful, and I don't want to tumble down into that pit again. My gardening is helping me a lot. I've been keeping my apartment in good shape. Sometimes I do feel very tired. I push myself, but sometimes I just have to take a break.

[3rd rock]

I'm on the psych ward and I still have no one to talk to about wanting to end my own life. Even if I get sober I still have nothing and no one. It's getting worse. I still want to do it.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by 3rd rock

I'm on the psych ward and I still have no one to talk to about wanting to end my own life. Even if I get sober I still have nothing and no one. It's getting worse. I still want to do it.

Seems the hug button wasn't enough.

I know this isn't the same but I don't have anyone either. I can't even get anyone to check on me, or be an emergency contact. The only possibility (and I didn't think she'd say yes) had to tell me in nasty terms that she barely knows me, why I am even asking and it's "weird". I fired back yeah it is and it wasn't easy to ask in the first place!!! She then said something like "Please don't think that about me." Think what? Why think about or care what I THINK? She was just paying lip service: "If you ever need anything.." Well this is what I need.

Just wanted to say I don't have anyone either and feel really vulnerable and scared these days. And that's because of the troubling times we are in.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by Rose76

snip: My gardening is helping me a lot.

I got some new plants and at least they need me. They don't judge or pretend to be something they are not. I mean, it's a Dracena and doesn't pretend otherwise.

Originally Posted by nonightowl

I'm glad your old college friend is alright. Sorry to hear the other guy is gone but it sounds like it's better in the long run, glad it was mutual also.

Thanks for giving me a safe place to vent, as it seems we have similar experiences and I can relate to a lot of what you say. Plus we have the same personality type and are in the same decade age wise.

Well I just had to vent about the upstairs neighbor again. He comes home early with a $hitload of guests, several adults and kids that look young enough to run and scream. I immediately put on my earplugs when I happen to see them while looking out the window. They just HAVE to come while I'm so low, and I know it's going to be noisy and I can forget trying to watch TV which I like to do at night. Even with headphones there's no point, not with that many people up there and laminate flooring now.

I'm not a night person at all and normally sign off of here in the afternoon but I just had to get it off my chest. It's so triggering to not only see them but HEAR them. I'm already worried they are going to be around yet another effing week, through the holiday. And I have hours to go before bedtime, and I hope I'll get some sleep. Even though I don't have to be anywhere tomorrow, I don't want to feel like crap (more than usual) due to sleep deprivation.

And I normally only wear earplugs at bedtime, so they aren't comfortable any other time like now. But I NEEDED some more quiet and since they came back that's all gone out the window. I also turned on a fan for white noise. Right now I HATE this place.

Just jumped on here to vent and use one of my favorite emojis, because it's the most expressive for me now: Gosh this little guy isn't banging his head hard enough for me.

Now I'm going to try to read, though I don't feel like it.

I'm sorry to hear about your upstairs neighbors. Can you report them to the manager? At where I live, they're pretty strict about making too much noise.

About Me: this day is just starting. I didn't sleep well last night and feeling a bit sleepy. The tree work, across the street from me, started about 45 minutes ago. It's noisy but I'm hoping they'd finish today. There are not many trees to cut down.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by will19

I'm sorry to hear about your upstairs neighbors. Can you report them to the manager? At where I live, they're pretty strict about making too much noise.

About Me: this day is just starting. I didn't sleep well last night and feeling a bit sleepy. The tree work, across the street from me, started about 45 minutes ago. It's noisy but I'm hoping they'd finish today. There are not many trees to cut down.

Yeah I did but that was over a year ago, when it was about him being up at 1am and dropping stuff on the floor and slamming the sliding door. Last night it was around 6:30 pm, so I know I'd get the speech about how I have to be "reasonable" and it's before 10pm. Besides he didn't even answer me about something else and right now I really can't handle not being responded to. Anyway it didn't do much good, even after saying something twice. I also politely talked to this neighbor 3 times.

This building is an echo chamber and now that they are using hard floors and not carpet, I hear everything.

I didn't sleep well last night either, because of upstairs again. The water is so loud and guests mean more showers. He finally left with somebody, but somebody is STILL up there.

Lately every Monday someone is up there when he's gone. I just can't fathom having that many people in one's life.

Sorry I know this is your thread, and sorry about the tree cutting noise. Sometimes they trim the trees here without warning us, and all of a sudden there's that nerve wracking chain saw sound. He never tells us, probably because it's in the "common areas" and they don't have to come inside. It's still disruptive and noisy. What if someone sleeps during the day? Or works at home during the day? You're off guard completely.

[Amethyst_Stargazer]

Lately I've been feeling down, but I had a horrible ear infection that lasted two months, both of my ears we're infected that badly and I stayed offline all that time. I felt isolated and alone, but I felt horrible. I quit smoking, which I think will help me in the end and I believe they we're the reason why I got them in the first place. I'm now recovered and using ear drops to give my ear moisture.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by 3rd rock

I'm on the psych ward and I still have no one to talk to about wanting to end my own life. Even if I get sober I still have nothing and no one. It's getting worse. I still want to do it.

We're here for you. I'm sorry there's no one IRL who's showing you the love that a person in distress needs. We can't replace that, but we'll listen. It's awful to feel so alone. A lot of us have been on psych wards. It's not always a comforting experience.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by Rose76

We're here for you. I'm sorry there's no one IRL who's showing you the love that a person in distress needs. We can't replace that, but we'll listen. It's awful to feel so alone. A lot of us have been on psych wards. It's not always a comforting experience.

Yes, I second that. I too feel so alone even though I'm not in a ward. American society in general, in my opinion, is superficial and disconnected. A lot of lonely people out here.

So yes, Rock, we hear you.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by nonightowl

I got some new plants and at least they need me. They don't judge or pretend to be something they are not. I mean, it's a Dracena and doesn't pretend otherwise.

Thanks for understanding. Good luck with your Dracena. Sometimes I think the euonymus on my patio is my best friend. I raised it from a baby.

[Rose76]

I haven't been checking in here much lately because I've been preoccupied with stuff taking up a lot of my attention. When I go quiet on this site, it usually means I'm doing well and keeping busy.

Right now, I'm rattled by a phone conversation, but I think I'll start a thread to try and deal with that. I've keep out of the pit of depression for a good while now. I really need this to not fall apart for a while yet.