Let my crazy flag fly?

Why4 · Jul 03, 2024, 12:46 PM

I’ve been in a particularly dark place for a particularly long time now, & it seems like it just keeps getting worse. I try to play sane well enough to at least not add to the chaos or drag everyone else down with me, but despite my best efforts, life continues to get more hellish as the days drag on. I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve considered quitting the act & just letting life take me where it will. Maybe a life of solitude, maybe a mental hospital, who knows? All I do know is that I’m tired, & I have nothing left to give. Besides, would being a “prisoner” of a hospital really be any worse than being a prisoner of my own head? I doubt it.

CANDC · Jul 03, 2024, 12:59 PM

@Why4 welcome to MSF. I am sorry you are feeling so low. That sounds like a lot to deal with.

Have you considered talking to a psychiatrist or psych person that can prescribe you meds or change the meds if you are on them already because meds do not work forever and need to be changed or change the dose.

Hope you get the support you are looking for.

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message]

Why4 · Jul 03, 2024, 04:54 PM

@CANDC tried meds once upon a time, and they were zero help. My husband even said they made me act weird. Don’t have the time, money, or transportation for any sort of therapy, so I’m pretty stuck. None of the usual go-tos are an option for me.

CANDC · Jul 03, 2024, 05:32 PM

@Why4 sometimes the meds people take for them do not work while others will. It is more of an art form than a science when professionals prescribe meds for a particular person because each person reacts differently to different meds, although they know a lot more about how they work than I do.

CANDC

VabGirl · Jul 03, 2024, 05:39 PM

Staying in a hospital should be a very last resort.

mote.of.soul · Jul 03, 2024, 09:06 PM

Yes, there's no shame in reaching out to the hospital for help Why4. Maybe they do counselling and you can empty your heart and soul and everything... I mean, you can only do things by yourself for so long, I believe. Keep that glimmer of hope alive for as long as you can, because the future is uncertain anything can happen right? Positive things too! Hang in there Why4.

Why4 · Jul 09, 2024, 10:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CANDC

@Why4 sometimes the meds people take for them do not work while others will. It is more of an art form than a science when professionals prescribe meds for a particular person because each person reacts differently to different meds, although they know a lot more about how they work than I do.

CANDC

@CANDC, I know some people have to try a billion different drugs before they find one that works (if they do), but I also know that I don’t have the resources to do that. Back when I did try drugs, I was not yet married, no kids, & the clinic was just down the street. Things are the exact opposite of that now. Expenses are much higher & unless I want to hijack a cow from one of the neighbors, I have no way to go see a doc about it in the first place.

Why4 · Jul 09, 2024, 10:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mote.of.soul

Yes, there's no shame in reaching out to the hospital for help Why4. Maybe they do counselling and you can empty your heart and soul and everything... I mean, you can only do things by yourself for so long, I believe. Keep that glimmer of hope alive for as long as you can, because the future is uncertain anything can happen right? Positive things too! Hang in there Why4.

I feel like I lost hope long ago. Since then, it’s basically been damage control. It’s all I can do to keep the way I am from wrecking my life any more than it already has, or wrecking anyone else’s. My thought is that I’m just tired of putting in so much effort just to keep things at this level of hell and not worse. Just want to throw up my hands, say “I give up”, and just let it do what it’s going to do. I know that wouldn’t fix me by any means, but at the same time, I bet it would feel liberating to let go like that.

Why4 · Jul 09, 2024, 10:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VabGirl

Staying in a hospital should be a very last resort.

It’s not that I want to do that, it’s that I’m tired of avoiding it. If those around me knew what runs through my head on a daily basis, I have no doubt that’s exactly where they’d put me, assuming that they didn’t just walk. Pretending to be even ok-ish is exhausting, and I just get so tired of having to keep up the act 24/7. I’ve been putting on this Oscar worthy performance since I was a kid and I feel like I just can’t keep it up anymore. Fearing what others would do/stop doing if I let them see the real me has always been my drive to keep the sane mask on, but I’m to the point where I’m just too tired to care.

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