[Psychotic_Phil]

I'm not currently deep in depression although I have been having more self esteem issues that usual. That's mainly due to the fact that the only person I want to be romantic with has a dad that hates my guts and prohibits any interaction. I'm told by her sister, one of my friends, that she cried when her dad told her. I would cry but I don't cry very much anymore unless I get really emotional. Mandy is her name, and she's the reason along with my life improving in other ways that I was happy. I never stopped self hate, but around her all I wanted to do was make the moments last. We exchanged pleasant emails with loving messages in other languages. She even said "My heart fills with joy when I see or hear from you." You can imagine how I felt: elated and content. All that quickly reduced to rubble.

I now have no friends because Jenn, Mandy's sister, and I were having some problems. She led me to believe that Mandy and my supposed friends never cared for me. So I left the group,even if I still hang out with Chris and Kelsey, two active members. I'm still friendly with Jenn, but our relationship is dangerously close to ending. Were it not for the fact that I respect Jenn and she's my only source to communicate to Mandy, I would have left when her coked up boyfriend threatened me over the phone. I used to love her before her sister, but of course, according to her and her dad I'm emotionally dependent and clingy. That's why I haven't showed Mandy my poem about her because I fear that I stepped over the line.

What a mess! They want me to come back to the group, but I can't go through their treatment. It may be nothing, but to me, something is askew. Hot and cold treatments are not something I enjoy. So I've been feeling worse, asking people who hates me and raising my own hand while no one else moves an inch. Even after Math, I started to think that if I were dead, my problems would be solved. Even though that's not true because I know I'm going to Hell when I die and there's nothing I can do about it. When Jenn said "If someone is talking about killing themselves just do it!" to which I replied, "That's a good idea." Chris and Jenn then started to hit me, but not in a violent way. Only to discourage me from killing myself. We have agreed on that but I just feel the urge to put myself down on every occasion. When Jenn was talking to James saying he's boring I said I was boring, to which she said "NO!"

They mean well, but their efforts are wasted. If I don't feel like helping myself, no one can help me, unless I really care about them, like Mandy. But there, see? I'm "emotionally dependent" again! This %#@&#! never ends...

I don't know how to tell my doctor as I have not seen him since this started and don't feel like I'm in any danger of hurting myself. I really don't like myself though. It if were not for my flaws I would still have Mandy in my life as a girlfriend. I can't really trust Jenn either as she tends to manipulate and exaggerate. I hate to say it, but I think Jenn had something to do with her dad making Mandy break up with me, because she hinted at the fact that she could have had something to do with it and Mandy thinks that she did. I trust Mandy more than Jenn. I bet that Mandy will respond to my letter in a negative fashion because Jenn did something or she despises me know for some reason. She probably agrees with the fact that I am just a %#@&#! up that it too direct with his feelings. What's worse? Too many feelings or apathy? I've been in both and they both suck.

I don't even like to mention my "illness." I'm not mentally ill, I have black feelings. That's different. Black feelings are socially and personally unacceptable actions and thoughts that are supposedly treated with medications. The only medicine I like is Prozac because it stopped me from killing myself and continues to do so. That doesn't mean I like my Geodon. I hate it. Makes me even more stupid, which is so stupid that even an IQ of 10 can't possibly give you an idea. Maybe that's what messed everything up. I'm an idiot and therefore no one wants to be with me, or I jumped to some stupid conclusion and screwed my life up.

I just hope that Jenn or Mandy isn't a member here, because they would hate me after reading this. Did you know I actually wanted to learn how to play the cello? What a great idea! Yeah, another instrument gathering dust. Stupid once again.

I guess I figured I didn't need to post again after my hateful tirade about psychiatry, but now I am shown that I can turn here. Can't go on schizophrenia.com because I'm not schizophrenic/schizoaffective. Never have been, never will be. Of course, only time will tell right? I can turn into more of a lunatic. Wonderful. Maybe life really is that cruel.

[CedarS]

Hot and cold behavior from friends really can suck, can make us feel crazy trying to sort out what is what.

Reading what you've written here - I don't believe that you are an idiot or stupid. I hear that you feel that way and I've certainly felt that way about myself too in the past.

Changing the way I talk about myself to myself makes a difference. Took awhile for me to develop the habit of being good to myself. And I have to be vigilant with it.

You know, you could slowly work on learning the cello just because you want to. Learning to play could be a constant habit you build and enjoy, no matter what temp - hot or cold - the people around you currently are.