TRIGGER WARNING I wish I somehow got sick / got into an accident and die

Hey guys!

It's been a long time since I wrote here haha. Been here since high school year. Moments when my family was constantly fighting and I had difficulty making friends cause I was so awkward and anxious. I was deeply lonely. Loads of things have changed, I went to several therapists since 2014 and also got medicated for depression in 2018 (still ongoing), I'm committed to always trying to get better. I'm a 26 women. Despite all my personal & relationship struggles, I was almost always considered well-off in this third-world country, very privileged financially as well in education (cause I was a dilligent student, and went to the first top national university in my country.)

Now, however, financially everything's worse. My mom just revealed she has debts after her retirement age. It was way above my sister's & my monthly salary. And her without income, and yeah fatherless (and dead lol). We're also caring for 2 elders, and my uncle who is currently retired and lives in our house (at least he has assets for himself). But our monthly expense is just unreal, so basically, there are 6 mouths to feed including myself.

Unfortunately, I've just resigned from a very toxic environment that I've endured for the past ~3 years, I have enough savings to keep myself afloat for ~8 months without any job. I did everything and calculated everything I could. What I didn't foresee was the net of my mom's debt (she had a very hard time telling the truth) as well as my other uncle suddenly got a heart attack. He was the only one who helped me navigate this debt problem & gave me emotional security despite my dysfunctional big family, cause somehow my sister and my mom just couldn't deal with it mentally.

My mom's debt & potential cancer, my other uncle's heart attack, my grandma's stroke, my grandpa's amnesia, my sister's ignorance, and childish behavior, and the lack of clear communication between us -- and me not being able to leave all this behind & focus on my wellbeing and career. I'm so tired. I really am. I also just broke up with my 7-year relationship cause we were in LDR and I couldn't take the cravings of not being able to meet him when I needed him the most to stay afloat, without any reassurance of him when he can get back to our hometown and actually get serious with me.

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I'm here just to express my feelings. I've always known what to do and how to problem-solve any situation. I'm just really tired, I need a light at the end of the tunnel. but now I no longer see it. Everything's just meaningless, and I wish I could die as soon as possible. I don't wanna commit suicide, I want to at least be able to help my family first, and then I just wanna die, whatever to make it happen. Be it cause of cancer, killed by people, drugs, anything just let me out of this misery. I tried my best. I did whatever I could, the world in my eyes just keeps getting worse. I'm so tired, really really tired. And I have lost any hope I had years ago when I really tried to get everything better.

This may or may not be my last post. Anyway, I will have a surgery for breast enlargement today lol, at least, with my current savings, with whatever the **** that will happen. At least I can look at myself and feel pretty At least that I can do that for myself after saving loads for myself. Somehow tho, deep down I want to have to face complications and die fast, not too much pain, just last breath.

Sincerely, someone who has lost the will to live