I don't want to get depressed like a year ago.

Last year I got very depressed the first week of November. It lasted for months, which is unusual for me. By February, I was getting concerned that I'ld felt so down for so long. I twisted my primary doctor's arm into referring me to a psychologist who was part of the healthcare system I belong to. This psychologist was seeing me only about once per month, but I was improving. By mid-July, I was a lot better.

From mid-July until last week, I was doing pretty okay. But I'm not okay now. That psychologist left our system in September. He gave me the name and number of another psychologist outside our system. I'm starting to feel like I did a year ago. The holidays are coming, and I'm scared of getting real depressed again. It's already starting. This past spring, I got into a really awful state. I called a crisis line, and they called for first responders to check on me. I think they were a pair of social workers who came by. They were nice and got me an appointment to see a counselor right away. They came back the next day to check on me again. I had managed to pull myself together by that morning.

Medicare wouldn't pay the counselor, so I just saw the psychologist, which seemed like enough. Now he's gone, and I'm seeing no one. I'm trying to make an appointment with the psychologist he recommended, but haven't gotten through to her yet.

I've been not wanting to leave my apartment, not even to check my mailbox. Today I was in bed most of the day, even though I had enough sleep last night. The bed is like a powerful magnet. I keep wanting to just lie down and watch YouTube videos on my tablet. I know I'm alone too much. Up until last week, I was forcing myself to get out and do things, like going to an yoga class. People there were nice. Yet, I stopped going.

I've battled social phobia all my life. When I do, I can pass myself off as a fairly normal person. I was pushing myself in that direction and I was improving. But the "push" suddenly all drained out of me. Now I have no one to offer me some encouragement, which I tend to respond well to. I feel like I'm in free-fall, sliding down that steep slope that leads to Depression Canyon.

Maybe tomorrow I'll try calling for an appointment with that other psychologist. I don't think that will even do any good. It's up to me to push myself toward meaningful involvement with others. But I wake up feeling like I have no energy to do anything or to go anywhere.

The urge to stay in bed or on the couch feels overwhelming. I know that's classic depression. I don't think any professionals take me seriously. Once I get to a provider's office, I guess I do look and sound just fine. I've had a lifetime of practicing how to "act normal" no matter what's going on inside my head. I've perfected the art of putting on an acceptable front. The responders who came to my house last spring saw how I really was, which was embarrassing. But it was necessary. I don't want to get like that again.