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Member
Member Since Feb 2008
Posts: 268
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Feb 25, 2008 at 02:16 PM
#1
I put trigger warnings sometimes where they might not be needed, just to be safe. I just feel emotional now.
I've been thinking.....what if my life can't be fixed? I mean, some of the things that are making me feel the worst lately, are circumstances that I'm afraid no one can make better. I don't know what to do. I want to live, but I want a life that I feel is worth living. I'm not in a hellish situation, but I feel lonely and empty. I rarely ever feel truly happy. I am afraid things won't ever be the way I want them to be. I tell myself I have a responsibility to stay here and to help out in the world, and the truth is, when I feel I've made a positive difference in the world, it does make me feel somewhat good. I also tell myself I need to stay around and try to make things work in my life, to avoid hurting others. I really do care about these people and animals, and about the world at large, but there is a selfish part of me that just wants to scream it isn't enough. I mean, I have needs, too, and I don't feel my emotional needs are being met. At the same time, I tell myself if things aren't that bad, then it would be stupid and selfish of me to just abandon people and animals that love me, and an environment and world (full of people and animals) that need help. Yet, I want my needs met and I am afraid they will NEVER be met. I want to cry right now. I want to run to my therapist and just beg him to make it better, but he can't fix this. I like him, but at times like this, I wonder what good he's going to do me. I guess he at least is there when I need to talk to someone, if nothing else. I don't know if I can fix this. I don't know if anyone can or will fix it besides God, and I don't know if God sees fit to fix it. Maybe it is just one of those times when God thinks it best if we deal with it ourselves down here. I don't know what to do. My therapist can't make everything better. He doesn't have a perfect, infalliable magic wand. All he can do is listen and then say he understands why I'm hurt and he's sorry. He can't fix this. I feel.....I need something more and nothing I can get will fill this hole, apparently. I'm hurting right now. Some of my family doesn't understand certain thoughts I have, so I have to act like the thoughts don't exist. Even I feel bad for having them. Maybe I don't mean them at all. I want to talk to my "friend" today, but I don't know if he really considers me a friend. I think I'm too needy and freak him out and he's pushed me away. *sighs* __________________ "....I've been treated so long as if I'm becoming untouchable. I'm a slow dying flower, in the frost killing hour, the sweet turning sour & untouchable....(portion omitted)....Do you remember the way that you touched me before, all the trembling sweetness I loved and adored? Your face saving promises whispered like prayers- I don't need them."- My Skin by Natalie Merchant. “The fishermen know that the sea is dangerous and the storm terrible, but they have never found these dangers sufficient reason for remaining ashore.”- Vincent Van Gogh ""Don't talk of worlds that never were. The end is all that's ever true."- Burn by the Cure "In the end only kindness matters."- Hands by Jewel Dragons-please click so they hatch and live!    
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Feb 25, 2008 at 02:22 PM
#2
((Locust )))
Keep trying , it sounds like you are a good person. Somethings take time. I know thats hard to do, takes time. But it really does sound like you are working on things keep talking we are all here for you you matter |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Aug 2007
Location: Lily Pad, USA
Posts: 4,025
16 66 hugs
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Feb 25, 2008 at 02:41 PM
#3
I don't know which is worst the feeling that you can't give anymore and need time to be ME. Or the guilt for having those thoughts in the first place.
I do understand about family ignoring the situation and pretending because nothing else works. You so desperately want someone to understand, to help but nothing changes. Here is a hug for comfort ((((( Locust )))))  I wish I had that magic wand for you. __________________  kebs
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Member
Member Since Feb 2008
Posts: 268
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Feb 25, 2008 at 02:43 PM
#4
((Muffy))
Thank you. I appreciate the support, especially now. __________________ "....I've been treated so long as if I'm becoming untouchable. I'm a slow dying flower, in the frost killing hour, the sweet turning sour & untouchable....(portion omitted)....Do you remember the way that you touched me before, all the trembling sweetness I loved and adored? Your face saving promises whispered like prayers- I don't need them."- My Skin by Natalie Merchant. “The fishermen know that the sea is dangerous and the storm terrible, but they have never found these dangers sufficient reason for remaining ashore.”- Vincent Van Gogh ""Don't talk of worlds that never were. The end is all that's ever true."- Burn by the Cure "In the end only kindness matters."- Hands by Jewel Dragons-please click so they hatch and live!
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Member
Member Since Feb 2008
Posts: 268
16 |
Feb 25, 2008 at 02:48 PM
#5
((kebsfroggy))
Thanks for the support. That was a sweet thing for you to say about the wand. "You so desperately want someone to understand, to help but nothing changes." <- Yes, that sums thinks up really well. My mother understands somewhat because she has some MI issues, but she doesn't understand everything and so I just pretend sometimes that certain aspects of it don't exist. They don't want to hear certain things and wouldn't understand them, and some things I'm not comfortable saying myself, so there are certain thoughts and feelings I pretend not to have. __________________ "....I've been treated so long as if I'm becoming untouchable. I'm a slow dying flower, in the frost killing hour, the sweet turning sour & untouchable....(portion omitted)....Do you remember the way that you touched me before, all the trembling sweetness I loved and adored? Your face saving promises whispered like prayers- I don't need them."- My Skin by Natalie Merchant. “The fishermen know that the sea is dangerous and the storm terrible, but they have never found these dangers sufficient reason for remaining ashore.”- Vincent Van Gogh ""Don't talk of worlds that never were. The end is all that's ever true."- Burn by the Cure "In the end only kindness matters."- Hands by Jewel Dragons-please click so they hatch and live!
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Account Suspended
Member Since Mar 2003
Location: Rocky Mtn High, love all :)
Posts: 12,724
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Feb 25, 2008 at 02:52 PM
#6
i believe to heal Locust, we must accept all of ourself as we are... im not certain that that information really must be shared... but, i believe it does help...
thats why PC is so helpful imo... and others come and share their thoughts, feelings... it has helped me greatly, this human connection we have here at PC.... hoping the best for you... |
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