[JulieBean]

I am 22. I've been struggling with and fighting depression for nearly half of my life. It started in 6th grade.

Tons of things have happened. It seems to be fairly situational. It seems that anything bad that can possibly happen will happen to me.

However, it doesn't stop me from seeing how absolutely, terrificly blessed I am. I really wouldn't trade my life for anything... its just been so phenomenally difficult.

I've had ptsd, anxiety problems, depression, bdd, some phobias and delusions in the past.

I made the choice a very long time ago to be substance free. From a very, very early age I knew that not only am I self-indulgent, but that I lack will power, am self-destructive by nature, and I am obsessive or addictive by nature. I am 22 and I do not drink. The term for the philosophy is 'straightedge' incase you haven't heard of it before. I do not drink, I do not smoke, I do not do drugs... I refuse to take birth control, major pain killers, and heretofore, anything for my mental illnesses.

I manage.... or sometimes dont manage.... to keep my mental health in check with sheer will power, determination, and perseverance. However, when I am in a state when I am constantly having to work to keep up my mental health... everything else falls to the wayside. I can't do anything and am completely unmotivated.

I am at a serious music school right now. I can't afford to be that way. I had to drop more than half my classes this semester because I started losing my grip. I have had a phenomenally hard time here in Texas... having moved from Massachusetts a semester after my parents kicked me out of their house and having no real sense of home.

And my grandmother died this semester. Ever since then I coudn't get back up. I was, before that, managing. I was managing and getting decent grades and staying fairly motivated despite extreme anxiety issues. When my grandmother died the anxiety left and just made way for this debilitating depression. And then my financial situation gave way... my student loans only accounted for on-campus living, but i live here now, so i live off campus. my loan ran out and i started paying my bills on my credit cards. then the credit cards ran out. and my rent check just bounced. and on top of not holding it together emotionally, i am in a complete state of financial desperation and panic.

I am getting a hold of it slightly. but i am still depressed. i am still in a horrible, horrible place. i struggle with it every *******ed day. and i want it to stop. i want to be relieved. i want to relieve myself! i finally, at some point, got to a place where complete despair wasnt the norm for me anymore! i broke out of so many cycles. and i want it gone now! its not a comforting depressed like it has been in the past. i want it gone!

but i am straightedge. and i am terrified of anti-depressants. i am so afraid of losing myself or my creativity (i am a poet aspiring to publish a book), i am afraid of the side-effects, i am afraid of that "increased risk of suicide" side-effect, i am afraid of losing control over other mental problems, i am afraid of becoming dependant on it, i am afraid of having to take something everyday, i am afraid of not being able to come off of it, i am afraid of not being able to take credit for my own mental health, i am afraid of messing with my body or my brain chemicals or my hormones or the balance i know i have the capability of achieving for myself....... that i just can't get ahold of right now and that i dont have time to wait for...... i am terrified.

i dont WANT to take anti-depressants but i am afraid i might need to. i want so badly to be relieved of this.

has anyone dealt with bad side effects to anti-depressants? what were they? what are the chances of bad side-effects? how bad can it get? does it or can it hinder creativity? TELL ME EVERYTHING THAT IS PERTINANT! please...

[ELLIEANDMONKEY]

I was worried about going on medication also. But in my mind anything is better than the way I was feeling so I did. I am only on my first medication and until I see how it works will not go on anymore.

To be depressed.....anything is better for me. My fear of remaining depressed is stronger than my fear of being medicated.