My diagnosis makes me feel like a failure

Hi to all of you. I was diagnosed on 4/25/08 with Major Depressive Disorder--Moderate. This has floored me and I feel like a failure. I know I've been through a lot in my life, especially the last 9 years, but it was mainly that I was support for other people. I've always been the strong one in my family that everyone could depend on. Plus, my hubby has been super helpful these past 9 years--we worked together for our loved ones and he is fine--no change in him. I didn't think I was depressed, just tired and worn out from 9 years of being strong for various family members in health crises and/or dying. About 5 years ago, my MD (now retired) put me on paxil due to fibromyalgia flare-up and to help me cope through the really tough crisis at the time. Since that time, I've been feeling more and more disconnected from my emotions, loss of memory, slow in thinking, unable to multitask or plan effectively, etc., etc. Mental functioning was really breaking down thus the referal to an Internist/Psychiatrist. He's the one who diagnosed Major Depressive Disorder and is withdrawing me from Paxil and putting me on Cymbalta. The withdrawal has been awful and my emotions have been all over the place--angry, agitated, crying, deeply sad, frustrated, etc. This should all end soon. I am so let down by this diagnosis that now I do feel depressed --I feel I have failed. Is it that the Paxil just masked worsening symptoms and I couldn't feel anything to know that I had emotions and issues to work out? I am hurting and confused. Please forgive me but this is the only safe place to vent. Thanks for listening. JourneyUpward

Hi (((((((((JourneyUpward))))))))))) Welcome to PC.

If it's any consolation, I noticed on Paxil (as I've just switched to another AD) that I was disconnected from my emotions as well. I just didn't feel like me.... coming off of it right now... my moods are all over the place. Like yesterday I was crying over absolutely nothing...

Paxil is a sedative AD, so it can sorta mask feelings and make one very sleepy.

As for your diagnosis... it is just a phrase, on a file. It does not define you as a person, even if you feel differently. Sometimes we get depressed because our life situation becomes unmanageable, and not because we have a chemical imbalance. ADs can still help with that too.

I'm glad your husband is supportive. Please keep posting.

I don't know very much about Paxil and have never taken it but I wanted to welcome you to PC.

BB

Hi BipolarBear,
Thank you for the welcome. I'm still learning to find my way around PC and I think I like it here.
Thanks again,
JourneyUpward

(((JOURNEYUPWARD))). Hello and welcome to Psych Central. I hope you can find some comfort in your time of need here at Psych Central. You are not alone and there are many that understand your issues. Take care. PM anytime. Soidhonia

Welcome to PC. I hope you find us helpful. While getting a psychiatric Dx can be disturbing it doesn't make you a failure, it just means that you have a treatable condition that really sucks in the short term. It may take some time to get the right combination / dosage of meds but major depression can be overcome.

Good luck on your journey.

--splitimage

Welcome to PC - You'll be amazed at the support you'll find here!

You must not lose faith in humanity.
Humanity is an ocean;
if a few drops of the ocean are dirty,
the ocean does not become dirty.
~Mahatma Gandhi~

I hear you and relate about the Paxil Welcome to PC

Hang in there, dear Person with an journey upward!

I know you are floored right now, but there are better days ahead.

I took a nosedive so fast last December that I didn't have time to catch my balance.

It may take awhile, depending on each individuals' circumstance, but overall, our mind and body really does want to heal.

Hope your relief is a moment away, which reminds me, that our next thought can be a healing, peaceful, sweet one. We can deliberately think better thoughts, so that if our body is listening, like science says it does, we can guide our progress and aid our recoveries.

Something to think about, oh, and also, there is a nice thread on here about what to put in a health basket by Sky on this forum - highly recommended positivity for a boost!

Hope you feel better soon.

Peace in recovering,
Nightbird

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Hi Nightbird, Thank you for your gentle, encouraging post. I do feel much better now. This past Thursday, it was as though, after lunch, a switch got turned on and I experienced joy--so much positive energy is was overflowing into everything and everyone. I went back to my office smiling, laughing joking. The world seemed brighter, colors more intense. Awesome. I only took a slight dip on Saturday night and bounced back by Sunday night. I hope I maintain these awesome feelings. I see my Psych on Thurs, July 10th. I'll see what he thinks.
I wish you full healing and a fulfilled life.
inkspring.

(((inkspring)))

I will wish with you - for the both of us to have continued healing.

Did you try making a speedy recovery kit for the week-ends when you might dip a little?

Sky has that thread around here with terrific ideas where one has some things available that pick us up, soothe, relax, inspire, energize, or whatever it is that helps us achieve a quality state of being, a positive mood, available when we need the assists.

It helps. There is much wisdom here. The experiential kind. Tried and true.

The best on the 10th with your Dr. I'll hope for a positive outcome for you.

I am happy you are feeling better ... you are an inspiration!
I admire how you changed what wasn't working, and moved forward with recovering.

peace and love,
night

<font color="#008800"> JourneyUpward,

I know exactly what you are talking about. I've been the 'strong one' for my family and friends for a long time now. you are lucky to have your husband by your side! don't forget that...

as for feeling like a failure, i feel that way every day. my mind doesn't work like it use to. it makes me feel horrible to know that i can't do the same things that i could once do with ease.

jrae </font>