just a screw up

Mentions death... don't read if easily triggered.

Evening comes around again, reminds me of how I feel...

I should be happy, I went outside for a bit, nature is amazing, but of course I'm not, I never am. If happiness comes to those who deserve it, I wouldn't get any anyways, because I don't deserve it- all I do is %#@&#! people off. Sometimes I think I'm reading emotions wrong but then I read it again and I'm sure I'm not. Do I trust people, do I not. I seem to be only good for bothering people. Someone says "hi" to me and my first reaction is to want to apologize. I'm so stupid.

I mess up with my friends... heck, I can't even tell who my friends ARE any more. Who is real, who is not, who hates me, who doesn't. I'm just a big mess up, who screws everyone up and screws everything up. People can say "I care", sometimes I believe it, I want to believe it, but words read so hollow to me with evil intent.

I don't know if I matter to other people, I don't matter to myself. I can't support other people very well, my advice is &%@#, and I can't support myself. My kids would be off with a better father, one that wasn't a complete screw up, one who mattered, someone smart. Someone who didn't %#@&#! everyone off, even though I never aim to intend to. I'm still the idiot child I used to be.

All be better off without me. I'm useless except for &^%$ing everyone's lives up. And whining, here I am being stupid and whining. I should go throw my keyboard out the window or bash my hand into a wall so I can't type anymore.

I miss Vlad. I need him. He deserved such a better father then me, my brother was right. I loved him so much and maybe he forgot that before he passed. Why couldn't I have died instead? At least I would deserve it- not him.

Sorry to be such an idiot.

YOU ARE NOT A SCREW UP, YOU ARE NOT STUPID, you have alot to live for, you do have friends but with the illness you just don't see that right now. It wasn't your time to pass on, the lord only takes the ones that he needs to do wonderful things up there.

Are you seeing a counselor? If so, please printout what you posted and bring it with you and so it to them, that way you can talk it over with them and they can help you.

Hold on things will get better, Please don't do anything hurtful to yourself, if it gets that bad please go to the hospital.

Wishing you happiness, which you deserve.

Cindy

((((((((((((((( Griffe ))))))))))))))))

griffe

I agree with printing this out and taking it to your T or drs
If your are in danger please seek help
there are hot lines or the hospital
please know we all care about you and do not want to see you hurt again..
remember self care
your worth it
muffy

((((((((((((((griffe)))))))))))))

stay safe
only you can help you

I read the words but I don't see how, how it gets better, how I don't matter, how not everyone wants me hurt.

People always say "hang on for your kids, hold on for them, hold on for your GF..."

Why? They'd all be better off without me. Would be braver and better to do the noble and good thing by just fading away forever instead of trying to kid myself with these ^&$%ed ideals that I mean something or that things would be better with me around. They wouldn't, it's a lie. I know that.

Vlad should be alive, I should be dead. That's how it should be. Why the hell isn't it. I should have vanished a long bloody time ago.

This will probably get deleted or something, it don't matter. Thank you for being so nice but I've gone and messed my entire life up and screwed everyone up.

<font color="purple">So you are saying that your children whould be better off without a father, and that your girlfriend would be better off raising your children alone? Being a child myself, and knowing just how painful it is to lose somebody that close, I know that this isn't true.

Even though, at this moment in time, and during many moments in time, you feel like people are better off without you- the truth is... that no matter how bad you think you are, you still matter, that people still love you very dearly... and that a loss is a loss ...if you are held close, by at least one person in this world, that if you were to die, if you were to kill yourself...that the person would be in alot of pain.

Your girlfriend loves you, your children love you, and many people here at PC- even though we've never even met you, love you...in our own ways. To all of us, your death would mean nothing, but such great pain, and such greif.

I don't want... to make you feel bad, I'm just being honest. </font>

((((((Griffe))))))))
I am here if you want a friend to talk with. Just PM me.
You are not a screw up, you are a good person and you are a caring person.
And I am sure that your kids and GF have plenty of good things to say about you as well. You matter, you really do.

((((((((((Griffe))))))))))
Keep yourself safe, we all care about you.
Hugs and prayers-Angel

vince. the noble thing would be to stick it out even when it gets tough, for the sake of your family. ive told you before, they cant do it without you. they do need you. they want you too. they love you.
kate cant bear the idea of losing you i am sure. and your kids need you so much.
i think you do alot for kate. shes not had a nice childhood either. you can understand her, you can sympathise. and im sure you both know how to keep each other going.
how will kate ever find anyone like that again?
she wants you and the twins want you.
not some other bloke who doesnt really get them. doesnt really know.
please be strong for them. be noble and stay alive for them.
take care.