Why do we blame ourselves for being ill?

Hi folks,

This is a question that has stayed around in my head for years. Why do we blame ourselves for being ill, even when we have had a clear diagnosis, maybe more than one diagnosis?

As I've said on other threads, I've made some progress with my depression/anxiety, but a few things are sticky and this is one of them. I tend to compare myself to healthy people and then judge myself harshly against them. I have to keep reminding myself that it's not a level playing field.

My feeling is that this all goes back to the birth family. Ordinary physical illnesses were fine, fevers, colds, they could'nt do enough for me, calling the doctor, time off school, special treatment.

But when the panic and anxiety kicked in, at around 16 yrs old, it was a different story. I was blanked out, completely ignored. I can remember telling my mother about this stuff and she didn't respond, just like I hadn't spoken. It was a blank wall. The same happened with my father, and my brother. It was made clear that this subject was TABOO.

I guess the fact is that they were scared rigid of mental health issues, probably because my father had a history of depression and terrible mood changes (which he never acknowledged or took any responsibility for). I once read that if you want to know what is really going on in a family, then listen for what they don't talk about, and those will be the live issues.

I guess I am answering my own question here, as it feels like my parents never gave me permission to be ill, and that stoked up the guilt, so whenever I felt anxious I immediately thought that it shouldn't be happening.

How do other people feel about this? Are you able to accept your diagnosis without feeling that it's personal failure? Are you able to allow yourself to feel ill if you need to?

Thanks, Myzen

Since my mother was diagnosed with schizophrenia when I was 12 (but she had had it since around age 18) we never spoke of mental illness either. It was completely ignored. No one in the family ever acknowledged that anything was wrong with Mother (in fact, I never even learned what was wrong with her until about 10 years ago when she relapsed after being taken off her medication by an ignorant doctor). I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember and started having panic attacks this year when she once again relapsed. I have had no problem acknowledging that I have a brain chemical imbalance (I am NOT mentally ill - even my T refuses to use that term). I am on medications that appear to be helping, although it is too soon to know about the antidepressant (only been on it for one week). But I told my brother and my staff at work, I fully acknowledge that it is a physical problem that affects my emotions. I refuse to hide my head in the sand like my family did. But that is just me - probably lots of people would rather others not know. I do say that some people have started treating me differently (not my staff but some of the City officials - like I am a delicate case of dynamite that might blow up at any minute). I am just having to deal with that as part of the process. Hope this answered your question.

Hi Mars,

Thanks for that. Yes, it sounds like you are able to acknowledge that you have a regular illness, and an illness that can be treated.

It must have been hard with your mother. I don't know if I've read it right, but it feels like your own depression has sometimes been sympathetic with your mother's condition (the panic attacks when she relapsed).

This sort of thing happened to me. When my Dad was finally ill with pancreatic cancer I came out in sympathy with IBS. It was like we were tuned in to each other in some nasty way.

It has taken me 7yrs to get over the major depression after his death. Only now do I feel like I'm in the world again, like he's not going to jump out at me suddenly.

I hope you get on OK with your mother, I think that makes all the difference.

Good luck, Myzen

OMG Myzen, I'm in the freaking HOSPITAL trying to find an answer to this question -- not to mention working on it quite a bit with my regular therapist.
In fact, my inpatient pdoc and I talked about this just today.

My dad drank and my mother has untreated BPD and depression. HER father hanged himself when she was in her early 20s (well before I was born). Sad to say, the crap runs in the family.

There are a couple of things I've realized about this particular question, at least for myself:

1) Since nobody can see it, it must not be real. This is at least how most people treat me, especially at work. "Well, you don't LOOK sick." Or, as I was told someone said last time I was inpatient, "Oh, she's not depressed. I've heard her laughing."

2) I'm not ready to blame the people who helped make me this way. Some of it is genetic, and some of it is very real abuse that, they tell me, no one deserves. I'm still working on that one for myself.

Also, I think there's this thing with the stigma. Who the hell wants to admit to being "mentally ill"? I think of "mentally ill" as schizos and worse. Me, I'm just depressed, anxious and traumatized. As far as I'm concerned, you can get that way from daily living, LOL. So I don't see it really as an illness, it's just the way I am.

My first episode of depression was at age 14. I found a checklist of depression symptoms in a newspaper article and read them to my mother and told her I had every one of them. She blew it off as "teenage angst" and I got zero help. I tried counseling in college and had a terrible experience, so didn't go back for 10 years. The first therapist I had when I tried it again lasted 2 months before having a quintuple bypass and having to retire. So I tried to live with it a few more months, and when it became clear that it was either get help or die, I got help, and here I am, 6 years later .... still a mess.

Whew, kind of went off on a tangent there, sorry. Just know you're not alone.

Candy

Thank you, Myzen. You make me feel better about it all. I have appreciated your wisdom. I would post more oftenn but I keep having computer problems that DocJohn has to solve for me with special links to get in. Don't know what the problem is - I am pretty computer savvy - run 40 some odd computers at work and troubleshoot most problems but this one eludes me. Anyway, thank you for our kind words.

Thanks for this post. I think many are hard on themselves for mental illess. I totally appreciate what u have said.

There is a stigma that does come with mental illness. I have seen it way too much. It makes it even harder for ones that suffer to deal with.

I have tried to hide it for fear of judgements. In my family, emotions were not allowed. We were SEVERELY punished for expressing anything negative. I would hide when I was feeling sad, scared, angry......list goes on. My secret spot was my closet. I did go outside in the dark so I could hide and just break down. I would rock back and forth like a helpless little girl. This was my release. I think this is why I have such a hard time focusing on what I need to to start healing. I grew up to learn my own way to cope with these feelings, how to hide things; from fear. I gave others what they expected of me. Now its all hitting me fast and hard. How do we deal with this all at once? I put on my happy face, my pretend outlook on life. But here you all know what Justy feels and I am thankful for this. I would have exploded by now if I was not able to express these emotions.

Mental illness needs to be recongized to the truth of what it does to people. I know it has come out more and more. Maybe oneday it will be empathized when they hear our voices and our cries for a happier, healthier life.

Justy

Hi all,

Lots of wisdom on this thread.

I've noticed that when one of us posts about something that's really troubling us, there is always someone who can relate and this affirmation is just so positive. We can set it against the misunderstandings and invalidations that have brought us here.

Also, I think this experience is different from counselling. In one to one counselling I always felt that I was being observed by someone who didn't really know what was going on with me. This board is not like that.

There are obviously differences in our stories but the feeling of empathy is so strong here, I believe that we have struggled with some common issues.

I don't know about you guys, but I like to read back through the threads and let the affirmations sink in - sometimes I like to print them out.

Thanks to Justy, Mars, Candy, Ozzie.

Good thoughts to you. Myzen

Maybe it's because society still uses disparaging comments about mental illness as a way of indicating something else == paying lip service to its existence while using that lip service to deny its reality. For example: you do something considered socially inappropriate and people make nasty, cutting comments about how you are "sick", "psycho", or "need medication" (or "must be off your medication") EVEN IF/WHEN they have NO idea whether the person they are talking about really IS sick (mentally ill) or on, or in need of, medication.

Beyond the heavy "stigmas" still associated with mental illness -- the myths and lies that are scary to people -- there is still this "trendy" way of joking about it and/or using it as a verbal weapon in society that reinforces the feeling-sense that such things are our "fault" because we are "bad" or character-flawed or immoral or WHATEVER. In other words, it's not a cause for compassion and understanding but for judgment and condemnation instead, whether that comes heavy or just "lightly" in a careless, snide aside comment.

We already feel self-conscious because of the weirdness and extremes we experience in our thoughts and feelings and the level of "difference" we live with between ourselves and "normal" people. We may already feel guilty or bad about ourselves for a bunch of reasons, whether because we were ab*sed (physically, emotionally, and/or sexually), neglected, harrassed, picked on, rejected, etc. or because of our personal "failures" in the areas of relationships, career, religion or "path" in life, etc. and these negative reinforcers feed into and exacerbate those self-hating, self-punishing feelings, and cause us to feel it is OUR FAULT we are this unacceptable "thing" that we are.

But if medical science is true, then it's not our fault at all. When the body is sick it gets feverish, chills, coughs, "the runs", puking, pain, etc. When the brain is sick it manifests in our feelings and thoughts which are the product of neurons, synapses, neurotransmitters, etc. which are affected by the sickness just like the body's "guts" are affected by body illness. Would we feel "at fault" for throwing up because of a stomach virus, or fever, chills & pain because of flu? Of course not.

Just some thoughts rambling on here ... nervous energy ... next appointment with t-doc is in an hour ... i'm still new to this so i'm still nervous even though last week went well (or seemed to). (i live in constant dread -- either things will be bad or if they were good they will stop being good! because i don't deserve it!!)

I don't find this rambling at all. I think this was so well put!!! Thanks Malady.

I agree so much with this post and am really happy to see this. Myzen, how true when you say that counseling is different then the real life experiences. Can you all imagine if all of us were therapists; lolol. No really though, if anyone in this world dealing with these types of illnesses, we would rock!!!! I often wonder why the ones that decided this as a career to help others maintain health or improve their lives when so many of them do more damage than good because of the lack of understanding and compassion; that half the people that are considered professionals working with mental illness are so ignorant to the ones who do suffer. It boggles my mind. In my experience I have gained more knowledge from the professionals that have lived much of this themselves. I am not saying that they can't possibly be good at their jobs without going through everything but I do see a difference with the ones I have dealt with. Like the t I have, the one I care for so deeply; she too has had a rough life.

HEHE, see me babble. Sorry, I have enjoyed everyones perpectives on this. Its amazing how this can be looked at from so many different angles. Thanks for the "thinker". Oh and I do want to say that I also agree with the fact that people in this forum are very empathetic, I see many strong, caring, wise, loving souls here. I know that we get through tough days being in this forum as the compassion is here.

Justy

Hi all,

I agree with Justy's point that Malady has summed up the situation truthfully. We blame ourselves because the stigma is pointing at us, and it's strong.

I also agree with Ozzie, when she said that blame was a feature in an unhappy family background. We learn to blame, as a way of putting the responsibility for bad things entirely onto someone else, and outside of ourselves.

I remember a few things my father said to me, one was -

"You have had a few problems but you have only yourself to blame."

or another classic line,

"It seems to me that you have made yourself the victim."

These words came from a father who would turn his anger onto me every single day of my young life, it was always "tears before bedtime" in our household.The worst was when he was being nice, because you knew that was just before the mood change would come.

I mean, how do you crawl out from under that? Even years later, with all the maturity I have developed, these words cut me down. I remember Marlon Brando in 'On the Waterfront' when his character finally stood up to his manipulative older brother (played by Rod Steiger). Steiger was making all sorts of excuses and Brando said, "No, it was you. I could have been somebody, I could have been a contender. But you sold me down for the short - end money."

I never stood up to my father. I tell myself that I didn't want to hurt him, or cause a rumpus, but the truth is it was fear, the fear that he had put inside me so effectively.

So, why do we blame ourselves for being ill? Because we have learned to blame ourselves, either subtly through society's attitudes, or like in my situation, right in my face.

Blame is learned, and part of the process of survival and recovery is to gradually unlearn it again.

Cheers, Myzen

My last post looks a bit confusing. I'm not saying that we should blame others for our problems, but I am saying that if a person has disrespected us, then we are entitled to tell them that. This is the basic principle of assertiveness.

Brando told Steiger, clearly and without anger, that Steiger had disrespected him. This piece of film acting overwhelmed me, as I saw my own predicament.

I had failed to be assertive with my own father, and I regard this as a personal failure on my part. I blame myself for not facing up to my own fear, and telling him before he died that he had hurt me so badly.

I hope that makes sense. I'm still struggling with this, and the emotion makes it hard to think as clearly as I would like.

Cheers, Myzen

I remember when I was diagnosed with depression 3 years ago, and was given a prescription for prozac, my dad flipped out, he thought it was the biggest load of crap. I never got the prescription filled, and I haven't been to any counselling or anything of the like ever since. Yet, he'll but me multiple meds when I have the flu or something. I guess that really spoke to me. I guess I interpreted that as being my fault, I guess that's why I blame myself.
I remember after that my mom sent me to the doc. because she was getting really worried about me and I refused the anti-depressant prescrption from the doc b/c I knew how my dad felt. And now I'm afraid that if I go back to the world of counceling/therapy I'll be given the offical label again. I guess living in denial is working for me now... lol...

We should never blame ourselves for our depression - it is either chemical or it was induced by childhood traumas none of us could control (or both, in many cases). Yes, we all do blame ourselves - say "Im sorry" when it had nothing to do with us doing anything wrong - accept all the guilt - but we are not guilty - we are victims. I have learned so much from my T about why I feel the way I do - the t raumas that set me up and have ruled my life - and now he is teaching me how to be strong - how to be who I really am inside - a competent, intelligent, and capable person who can succeed if I allow myself to. Please, stop all the blaming and start the healing. There is a song: "May I be free from suffering - May I be whole - May I be healed - May I be at peace". That is what we are after (at least that is what I am after). I want to be at peace.

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I have learned so much from my T about why I feel the way I do - the t raumas that set me up and have ruled my life - and now he is teaching me how to be strong - how to be who I really am inside - a competent, intelligent, and capable person who can succeed if I allow myself to.

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Mars, that's beautiful.

Cheers, and thanks, Myzen

This is a very interesting thread. Last week I was really feeling blamed by my T, and I told her that I was feeling a bit hostile towards her because of that. A main concept she taught in the class I took from her last spring was that most things have many causes - biological, psychological, and social. It's really an oversimplification to say that you are depressed because of your brain chemistry, or because you were abused, just as much as it is to say that it is just because you act that way. In reality, it isn't one or the other thing.

When I said that I felt blamed, she told me that I am going to feel that way a lot. Partly because that is a pattern for me. But she explained that, while I have been victimized and mistreated in the past, it had become a pattern for me to feel as though I am being victimized, even sometimes when that isn't an accurate conclusion. The way that I react to people and situations is what we seem to be focusing on. So she said that was the good news and the bad news. There wouldn't be any point in therapy if it were all about things beyond our control, since we can't change the world or other people. So we have to change ourselves.

At work, one of the things we try to get the girls to do is to take accountability. As long as they are blaming their problems on others and on circumstances, they aren't going to make progress. What they need to see is how they contribute to the problems and what they can do differently.

It's hard to accept, especially since my family had that tendency to be critical of me and of m feelings and to say that I was just making it up. I wanted her to tell me that it isn't my fault (to justify my feelings), but I guess that might make me feel better for a little while but not really get me any closer to overcoming the problem, huh?

Ok, back to the drawing board again. Apparently, blaming ourselves isn't all bad. Somewhere there must be a balance between blaming ourselves and taking accountability.

This is such an awesome post. I love reading everything u have all said. I think this holds so true for many here.

I don't have more to say because wow, its all been said.

Want to thank everyone for their views and stories. Makes so much sense to me.

Justy

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Ok, back to the drawing board again. Apparently, blaming ourselves isn't all bad. Somewhere there must be a balance between blaming ourselves and taking accountability.

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I beg to differ. Blaming ourselves is precisely what sabotages our ability to take responsibility. We often don't see it that way because it's one of those two-sided things where the dominant message in society only focuses on ONE side: how blaming OTHERS for your problems leads to not taking responsibility, and NEVER (or almost never) addresses the OTHER side: how blaming ourselves interferes with and sabotages our capacity to take responsibility.

Blaming self and taking responsibility/being accountable are two separate matters entirely. There IS NO "balance between" them. Validation and legitimization is the royal golden road that leads to that capacity and blaming self (or internalizing the blame others have tried to put on us) is the hindrance to receiving validation and legitimization.

Society is SICK -- it offers toxins to "cure" other toxins instead of a real cleanse or cure. Instead of offering validation and legitimacy to "heal" us from victimization and others' blame, it offers us self-blame instead, because that's all a sick society knows how to do. Because of their lack of understanding they believe that poison is actually beneficial to them -- and because of their lack of experience of anything truly beneficial they lack understanding of real alternatives. To them it's either Toxin A or Toxin B, and Toxin B at least creates the illusion of self-responsibility in, say, 65% of its imbibers. They in turn go on to recommend it under the guise of self-responsibility, and so the memetic brainwashing is innocently passed along as "common sense" and "folk wisdom" from parent to child, town to town, falsely so-called "expert" to desperate audience, etc. etc. ad nauseum. And because these people have little or no experience with a real cure they are inclined to believe the better of two toxins is good enough and all they can expect to hope for in this world.

(now you see why I'm insane ... my head is FULL of this kind of thing ... CONSTANTLY .... it NEVER STOPS ... )

"Blaming self and taking responsibility/being accountable are two separate matters entirely. There IS NO "balance between" them. Validation and legitimization is the royal golden road that leads to that capacity and blaming self (or internalizing the blame others have tried to put on us) is the hindrance to receiving validation and legitimization."

Hi folks,

We are doing some really good psychology here, and I for one can see an outcome.

It is this confusion between blaming and taking responsibility that is what I have been trying to understand. In the film example, Brando was not blaming Steiger, but he was asking him to take responsibility for certain actions.

Brando had the fortunate opportunity to set the record straight in real time. I believe that many of us do not get the opportunity to do this and we internalise our emotional pain over very long periods.

With my counsellor's help I have come to understand that blaming others or myself for current emotional pain is fruitless. Now, this is the big one.

I am not responsible for what was done to me as a child. That notion is ridiculous. But, I can take some responsibility for the way I deal with the pain I suffer today. I have to acknowledge that I have indeed been hurt and messed up, and from this acknowledgement I need to move on.

I take responsibility for my own life, for my own actions, and I do not take responsibility for the actions of my father. Those actions were not of my doing, and not preventable by me. The responsibilty for those actions lies with that person.

This is the crucial distinction for me, and I think for anyone who is allowing another's cruelty to live on inside them. It's not easy, but we have to disengage ourselves from the patterns of manipulation that have been set up by another person.

We do take responsibility, we take responsibility for our own lives, here in the present, right here and now. We do not take reponsibility for anothers' cruelty. For me, that is the distinction that has to be made.

I feel better after that!

Cheers, Myzen

PS - Thanks Rapunzel and Malady; You both make good points and have definitely helped me to clarify this issue.

Yeah Myzen, agree and love your words. Well thought out. So we take responsibility for our current well-being as well as we are able and make conscious choices toward living the life we choose.