[nightdream]

These last words said by my mother to me before I moved are hunting me now, day and night. I have a hard time sleeping, a hard time eating, a hard time breathing. Why couldn't she just let me go? Why did she has to say something?

" Between the 8 children that I have it's you that I prefer, that I love the most. Even if you have hurt me, I still love you. You could do anything to me, I would still love you." that's what she said.

But what did I do to hurt her? I don't know what I did. I was always gentle to her. I have never replied back to her when she was crushing me down, putting me in pieces. I'm almost sure I didn't do anything wrong in my adult life to hurt her. Could she be talking about my childhood? I don't remember at all my childhood, I have blocked everything of this part of my life. Under 12 years old I don't remember nothing. Maybe I have hurt her just by being born.

I'm just talking to myself.
nightdream

[Wants2Fly]

Hard to say, Nightdream. So sorry that you are feeling haunted. Is she still alive? Do you talk with her? Can you ask her?

Sometimes people just say strange things. I ask them about it later, and they don't even remember what they said, no less why.

[LMo]

Ohmygod - Nightdream - I just got something similar from my father.

He wrote me a letter for my birthday, and listed every single thing I did since I WAS TWO that hurt him. He's been carrying it around for 35 years. It was awful -- I had no idea he resented me so much.

I guess parents do carry it around. But honestly, we have a lot to worry about -- all we can do is apologize and move on. The rest is up to them.

[nightdream]

Yes my mother is still alive and no I will not be in contact with her again. I moved because I wanted to get away from this abusive situation I was in with her and my sisters and brothers.

Ozzie you just hit something inside me. This was always the way my mother got to me by bringing me to feel guilty. She wanted me to feel she was the victim and i would do anything she would ask me to do even if she treated me like trash.

Maybe she wanted to bring me on a guilt trip one last time. She sure succeded.

Thank you to all of you! I'm sorry I keep coming on this subjet. I'm having a hard time.

nightdream

[SeptemberMorn]

You know... some parents don't know what love is or they have a messed up idea of what they think it is. They also have twisted ways of controlling their children, even if they are adults. I grew up in this kind of environment.

One thing that my mother said to me that I will never forget and it will always hurt me is this: "You never let me make out of you what I wanted you to be." In her eyes, I was a total failure and a waste. She never knew the real me.

Your mother couldn't just let you go because apparently you were completely under her control. That's not love... but then, your mother may not know that. My mother didn't know it either.

Now that you're out of the house, don't allow your mother to continue controlling you. DO what YOU think is best, THINK what YOU think is best, BE what YOU think is best for YOU. Not anyone else. It's not an easy road, Sweety. It's going to be difficult to not listen to the old tapes we have programmed in our heads. You see, we have to give ourselves new tapes, new and better things to believe in.

Keep talking to us and we'll help you get through this very hard time.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Nightdream}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[Wants2Fly]

I agree so much with what everyone says. I, too, had to get as far away from my mother as I could. In fact, I moved to Spain for a year so that she would stop calling me on the phone all the time. This was when phones were a big deal and a transatlantic call cost the earth. We didn't have a phone in Spain anyway.

It is really hard to get our parents out of our heads.

I also agree that our parents don't always know what love is. Perhaps our society doesn't do a very job of defining it or teaching us how to envision what it means, especially in terms of behaviors toward those we presumable love.

This is a very interesting thread. Lots of insightful ideas. Don't give her space in your head and heart, Nightdream.

[nightdream]

I'm feeling also guilty because I have broken my promise to my father. He was a wonderful man and before he died I promised him to take care of my mother. My mother was kind of jealous of my relationship with my father and she never wanted for me to be alone with him just to talk. Sometime I took drive just to see if I could see him taking a walk ot find him in a store so I could be with him. I miss him very much.

Someone told me that my sibblings were jealous of me but this is hard to believe because I have nothing and I feel I'm nothing. They spreaded lies about me and still do, like I'm selling drugs and soon I will be in jail. If I was doing this I would know how to buy food tomorrow but I don't have money not even to buy food. They say all kind of stuff about me and I don't even know why. Sometime I think they goal is to drive me to suicide so they will not have a murder on their hands. I know this is cruel for me to say but they have hurt me so much and they still do. This is why I have to put distance between me and them. It's hard for me to do this because I still love all of them. I just couldn't get my message through to them.

Thank you!
nightdream

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Nightdream -- It sounds like your family is very dysfunctional. I pray that things will get better for you. (((((((((((((((Nightdream)))))))))))))))))))

[shakes]

Nightdream,
Please do not feel bad about talking about this. I really think that the only way to help you move through this is by talking.
Guilt trips by parents are probably the most horrible things that anyone can say to you. You are doing what is right for you and that takes a tremendous amount of courage!!
Give yourself a hand for being able to move away from your mother even with her saying what she did.
We are here for you!!

Jessica

[rrr1]

just a guess maybe she didnt want you to move and she was saying she would miss you and love you?

[(JD)]

Yeah, you sure "hurt" her by figuring out SHE is the problem and not you! How keen it was of your unconscious to know this and have you move, and yet you are just now realizing why you did it!

It's sad that parents can be this way. Remember, you were not responsible for how she chose to act.. or even still.

And as for a parent's "dying" wish... well, maybe they do that because of THEIR concerns or problems... and once gone , they know why we do or don't follow the "promises." They certainly wouldn't mean it as a punishment for you! (Or if they did, again, that's THEIR problem.)

[Myzen]

Hi nightdream,

I understand how you're feeling with this. Having read all the reply posts, it looks like there are lots of triggers for many of us in this subject.

I have read up a lot of stuff about estrangement. Most of it was aimed at reconciling, which didn't help me, but one person said, "Sometimes estrangement is necessary because the alternative is too destructive."

Those were wise words. I don't think that estrangement is ever a first choice, it's the very last choice, when there is nowhere else to go.

One thing I did, was to write regular, polite and newsy letters to my parents over a period of years, but I never was able to read their replies. I had to get someone else to look at them for me.

That's estrangement.

Good luck, Myzen

[nightdream]

I just want to say thank you to all of you!

I am not in a good place right now and I can't talk about it. I should never start a thread, never. I'm sorry. I will keep silent now.

Again thank you!
Hugs and please take good care! Stay safe!
nightdream

[wisewoman]

Stay with us, we are here, you are good and deserve love. You have done nothing wrong.

[Wants2Fly]

I hope you will continue to share, Nightdream. As WW says -- you've done nothing wrong. You are good and deserve love -- and we are here for you.