[12gaugescrewup]

well first of all i would like to start out like this.. Forget all you doctors for thinking i needed to go to a crazy people home for something i fixed myself. Forget all of your pills that cause problems to people that have killed thereselfs, and are living with problems due to those pills.

Okay. Just for the record i'm a ex drugy, i've done pot for years, coke, crack, meth, heroin, shrooms, any kind of painpill i could get ahold of, liqur, beer, and when i didn't have any of that stuff, i huffed gas, axe, oldspice, air freshener.

before you think OMG hes a terrible person let me say this, no.. -.- i've been clean of every kind of drug known to man for almost 2 years execpt for cigarettes. (wish i could stop) i've never been in trouble with the cops, i neevr gave them a hard time when i talked to them, never ratted on anyone in my life.

second off. everyone "should" know that pot is not a drug, a drug is made with chemicals. pot helps with pain, it helps you cope with reality, it brings you down to earth. i've smoked pot since i was 7 and sadly had to stop at the age 15.

anyways between 12 and 15 is when i started getting into drugs (made with chemicals. coke, meth, crack etc..) bad. well everyone knows that cocaine is the number one drug known to man to cause anixity. i didn't really care for much of drugs execpt for coke, i tried everything else atleast once. cocaine was my number 1 everyday drug though.

anywho when i was 15 one of my childhood friends died, i was dramatized by this for days. so i started doing coke like mad crazy, 2-3 eight balls aday everyday for almost 3 months straight. then one night at my friends house i smoked a blunt with him and that night i had a mini stroke and had very bad panic attacks the rest of the night. so the next day i was kinda like wtf. but within the year i was 15 i was huffing gasoline to trip. (thats some crazy *** trips if i might add, never experienced anything like them.)

so after a couple of months i start falling away from drugs because i couldn't do anything without flipping out, if i got high i would have panic attacks, if i did coke i would have panic attacks. so as i got older to right up until i turned age 17 i woke up one morning from a very long night, and that was the first time i experienced sleep paralysis. (very scary) so i started studing this and found out that huffing gas is known to cause paralysis, irrversible brain damage, anger management problems(my friend got that, its not cool). so one thing from my past i obtained from drugs, is sleep paralysis. i learned to cope with it for almost a year, and within that year i meditated, i worked my brain stronger up to its maximum peak. thanks to that i no longer have sleep paralysis =) thank you doctors for trying to put me into the crazy house because i said i have sleep paralysis, oh and thanks for those pills you gave me for my panic attacks which made my sleep paralysis worse and my panic attacks worse.

okay. now when i smoked pot, i never had a care in the world. i was always here (down to earth) anyways after i got rid of my sleep paralysis i had to start working on the panic attacks, anytime i got in a uncomfortable place i had them bad, so i started fighting fire with fire.
Whats one thing that gave you a fast massive amount of energy? Right. Energy drinks! so my new addiction from there on was energy and caffine. for the first week i started drinking them gave me panic attacks, but i had the theory that i could work them out of my body and my mind forcing myself to have them. so that worked. now i have one more problem, far stronger and far more annoying then a panic attack or sleep paralysis.

Reality. since pot was the only thing that i had to keep me here on earth, and since i rebeled from reality when i was younger, its hitting me like a slap in the face. this is the only thing i can not fix, i don't understand whats going on with my life.

I'm uncomfortable living.everything is so strange, just being able to see, think, talk, feel, is causing me to freak out. its almost like a 2nd puberty. i just don't know what to do with myself anymore, i seriously don't think this has to do with depression. for a while i rarly felt uncomfortable living, but last week i got sick and since the day i've gotten sick its been terrible. the uncomfortable living, being myself, being alive feeling is here, and it seems like its staying this time. i can't go to sleep at night because i feel so uncomfortable being here on this planet i just don't understand. i don't even know what to do. i can't take any type of meds cause they cause me to feel even more uncomfortable and cause me to have panic attacks.

i've smoked so much in the past 10 years i cough for 2 minutes straight and i'm about to pass out. i think huffing gas and stuff might have perm damaged my lungs.

what could i do about this uncomfortness with living and coping with reality, its taking a toll on me so much i don't know what to do but sit here and freak out about feeling uncomfortable about life. i doubt doctors can help.maybe i'm crazy? maybe i have mental problems. it don't seem like it, i have friends, i have a girlfriend. i just don't know what to do feeling like this.i can't do anything until this feeling is gone, nothing gets rid of it...

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by 12gaugescrewup

what could i do about this uncomfortness with living and coping with reality, its taking a toll on me so much i don't know what to do but sit here and freak out about feeling uncomfortable about life.

Have you tried therapy? Maybe your discomfort is with the feelings that you have stacked up inside that you have never dealt with?

[pachyderm]

Maybe what you think is reality is only a part of it. Maybe some parts of reality are beautiful. Your own special part, not what someone else has decided you should be.