[keelium]

holy ****.

I have an outline for my term paper for abnormal psych (I know, brilliant class to be taking this semester, right?) due in less than 12 hours that I have not started.

I have several time consuming homework assignments due Friday, as well as next Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

I have three major exams next week that I have not studied for, as well as one interview that I don't think I have anything to wear for.

I'm starting to think everyone hates me, even though I know no one is doing anything particularly different. I'm oversharing at random and making people feel uncomfortable and then getting away from people to avoid the awkwardness, there by making things worse. This is happening because I was trying to be more open about my some of my issues, not with everyone, but with friends and with other people I work closely with to whom it is particularly relevant. I'm regretting this, because it doesn't make me feel any better, and it makes things awkward as hell.

A few days ago my ipod was still my salvation... blasting some loud semi-positive music in my ears was enough to make me feel almost GOOD on my bike ride home from classes, enough that I could make myself do homework for an hour or two sometimes before giving in to the pull of the mind-numbing ness of the tv. So much for that.

And sunday night I didn't sleep at all, but for once did something useful... I cleaned my entire room/huge closet, and scrubbed my bathroom. 5 hours of work if you include moving the furniture. I know that the not sleeping sunday probably contributed a to this sudden downturn, but I just couldn't... laying there trying to sleep made me want to scream.

And worse than all of the things I already mentioned, and the fact that my birthday is this weekend and I probably won't be able to enjoy it nearly as much as I would like to, is that I'm getting completely derailed as far as my goals for the semester go. I'm not having fun. I'm not meeting new people. I'm not staying on top of my school responsibilities. I haven't taken the time to write in my journal every night, I haven't made plans for NaNoWriMo in november, I haven't bought a dress for my aunt's wedding nor have I been able to force myself to comprehend the fact that october break is fast approaching and I really need to get my **** together before the entire semester slips away from me. Just like every other semester.

And to think... just this morning I was explaining to my freshman class how to break projects down into small tasks to keep from getting overwhelmed, how you should start studying 1 week + in advance of a test, how to use your time wisely.... all this from the girl that has done nothing this evening besides go to a club meeting, eat two dinners even though she isn't hungry, and watch tv.

i'm really starting to feel like I can't take this anymore. And I know that's wrong... I always make it through. But I almost don't want to. And I will keep going, somehow, even if I don't want to or feel completely DONE... but it really scares me how little I want to keep going.

[gimmeice]

(((((((((( keelium )))))))) I hope that things get better for you soon.

[Sannah]

Keelium, is there anything that you can trim out of your schedule right now so that you aren't feeling so overwhelmed? Frequently, anxious folks keep really busy due to nervous energy so maybe you have filled up your schedule too much?

Sharing is a funny thing. I have done all of this before. I think what surprises others so much is the emotion that we have behind it. I found that once I dealt with the issues I could then mention them in casual conversation (and at this point there wasn't any raw emotion left in it) and others wouldn't react then. Yeah, I remember letting things out and making people really uncomfortable. I forgave myself and just moved on. Everyone makes mistakes.

You will have many more birthdays. You need to do what you need to do and deal with things as they come. Expectations????

I would suggest focusing on all your fires right now and saving your other goals (meeting new people etc.) for when the time is right for them. If your house is on fire it isn't wise to go to a party....