[cafegrrrl]

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm exhausted yet, can't sleep. Eating's becoming a chore (i don't have an eating disorder) and i've lost some weight.

My birthday's this weekend, my dad's coming home for the weekend tonight. My mom's been nagging me about birthday cake and dinner. I don't want to do anything.

I'm getting to the point where I'm so miserable I do'nt think i can act fine anymore. And that it's not fair to my boyfriend.

And, this week, my boyfriend attended my counseling session with me, at my counselor's request. It was OK but I guess now the counselor thinks things are worse than she thought. I know she does. She said so at one point.

I also met the shrink this week. The meds he gave me made me really speedy and i couldn't stand it. He asked me if i thought I needed hospitalization. The counselor asked me that last week. I said no. He asked if i'd be willing to go to some partial hospitalization thing. I told him i guess i would as long as I never worked with any of the employees there before. And yesterday, the counselor asked me if i'd attend this program too.
The counselor called them and i'm supposed to go Monday. I just don't know how I'm going to make it through the weekend.

I'm so tired and can't sleep. And just thinking about doing the simplest things is sooo exhausting.I can't concentrate on anything and I'm tired of forcing myself to do things. And i don't think i can continue acting like i'm fine much longer.

I was really good at telling myself things couldn't get worse, they have to get better. But, everytime i'm as low as i think i can possibly get, it does get worse. I just want to have a life again. I want to stop existing and really live. And it's like my mind and body won't cooperate with one another. I just don't know what to do anymore. And i don't know why i'm even bothering to post this long whine.

But really. When will it end?

[gimmeice]

((((( cafegrrrl ))))))))))))) I am sorry that you are struggling, hopefully the program that you are going to will help.

[Slothrop]

Yeah, sometimes it takes a long time, and that can really suck. Keep letting others help you and it will get better!

I am exhausted too. Still several days until I see my psychiatrist...hopefully I just need an adjustment in my meds. It took time to find the right ones, but they have really helped me.

Good luck!

[cafegrrrl]

I just don't know how i'm going to make it through this weekend...Living at home sucks arse. Have to act all the time. And to make it worse, both my parents are going to be here...and they both are off from work fri and monday....don't know how i'm going to make it through this weekend....just thinking about it is draining....

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( cafegrrrl ))))))))))))))

[nowheretorun]

((cafegrl)))) it will end when you decide to turn the coin over... youve been seeing it as bad and not wanting it to get worse, but opening the door for the worsening with statements such as

'it cant get worse than this' ..

in this statement you create a mental engine to start spinning.. you resolve the current issues tho and keep on...

then, as life is, another not so good thing happens to you in some way... it happened because its the type of thing that might happen to anyone, or, it might happen simply because you havent self protected yourself from some hazard or other, or, maybe you are the victim of bullying.... anyway, something 'bad' happens again and that event then reaffirms for you that, yes indeed, something bad is going to happen.. always...

its a cycle and it repeats in your subconscious mind without your awareness..

you can break the cycle simply by repeating positive, life affirming statements to yourself...

choose true ones.. no one wants to delude themselves in this self work

remind yourself about one or two times you were selflessly kind to another

that will tell you that you are a kind person and you are worthy of kindness.. repeat the kind behaviors to yourself and others often,

such as volunteering somehow.... the energy wave can snowball for you in a fantastic way..

you might soon find yourself surrounded by so much love, kindness and goodness that it feels weird to you..

thats ok, it happens to a lot of people... go at a slower pace.. enjoy the process... turn the coin over for yourself, its easy... be nice to you

[beadlady29-old]

((((((((((((((((((cg))))))))))))))))))))))

uor heart is wiht u cg

also tell u nowheretorun is so totally rite.................u will see a lite a good edn in siet wehn u begin to look for it!

please tc

beadlady

we hear

safe

[nightbird]

(((((cafrgllllllllll)))))

Happy Birthday Dear Person!!!!!

May the road ahead show you much kindness and happiness!

~~~~~

You know, you could have commitments to yourself, like going to a museam on sunday, or taking a drive, or seeing a film, a comedy perhaps, even if you go alone ... it might be the best place to be if you are feeling more depressed by the folks around you ... just a thought!

Whatever you decide, I want you to know that I have enjoyed talking to you in chats, and that you are a smart, funny person with excellent taste (tiramisu! the real kind) and a lot of compassion for others.

So, you already have alot of good stuff going for you!

Any improvemts will be beneficial, like icing on a cannolli filling chocolate rum birthday cake with fresh whipped cream topping ...

Feel better soon and don't forget to relax.
Do you walk in the mornings, or jog or hit a coffee shop?
Maybe you wanted to plant something this fall?

Just thoughts ... and I'm glad you are looking into helping yourself along better!

Peace and Well Wishes,
night

xoxoxoxo

Don't forget to go easy on yourself ...

[cafegrrrl]

Thanks, Night.

Actually, I was supposed to go the city to go to one of my fave museums tomorrow..but, alas, no $$. I plan on going next weekend instead.

Yeah, I walk. And, weather permitting, bike ride. My bf and I walk every day/night, usually. And, I almost always go for walks alone every night.

Today was a good day though. The bf and I took our bikes to the country. We fed seagulls, ducks, geese, and carp. We rode along some path in the woods. It was a good day.
I'm hoping I can make this last now....

Thanks for the well wishes and suggestions....

[beadlady29-old]

((((((((((((((((cg)))))))))))))))))

just want to let u know we're thinking of you............hqave you gone on bike ride with bf yet? is so hope you had fun......

happy birthday

take care of yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[314159pi]

grrl, we are here for you.
try to think of the good things to help you hold on. your bf sounds ok.
maybe it's better you aren't alone right now even if the folks make you uncomfortable.
i am guessing u r a bit depressed and that if you do partial, your meds will get adjusted and you won't lose your freedom like hospital.
just take it slow honey. those warhols will be waiting for you to look at them when you get out.
pi

[beadlady29-old]

(((((((((((((((((((((((cg))))))))))))))))))))))))

now that bead can read she say her is glad ur bike ride went well.

did u go to day-hosp today? if you did, hopes went well. if you didn't, hopes you're doing okay anyway.

hang in there

bead