Help: please tell me what the hell this is

I've been in a moderate-ish depression for a little over a month now, and in about the last week or two I've been feeling really... weird. I've been through the general episode of depression before, and generally this would be the part where I'd be slipping slowly downhill, into the deep dark pit, which I would stay in for a few weeks to a few months, re-emerging by December-ish if I'm lucky, sometime next semester if I'm not. But I don't seem to be slipping any farther. Don't get me wrong--I don't want to. And this state isn't exactly pleasant either.

I've been thinking about suicide a lot... don't worry, no plans ... more than I usually do. But I also have "good days." I'm not exactly happy, but I have these bursts... an afternoon, a weekend... where I make all these plans, I get a little hope for the future...but it's not all good, exactly, because it's rather overwhelming, and even though I think I feel happier, I actually seem to be more irritable around other people. I'm used to some days worse than others, but this is different. How can I be making plans for the future one minute, completely sincerely, and contemplating how much I'd like to die the next? I've been struggling with this depression thing for a long time now, but there are very few other times where I have felt so literally insane. I'm so out of control. I don't know how I'm feeling NOW, much less how I'll feel in an hour or a day or a week. I'm fighting with my boyfriend all the time, and it is driving me more crazy than it normally does that he just doesn't get how hard this is. Can't he see I'm losing my mind?

I explained this to my therapist wednesday, but she didn't explain it in any way, she just set us a new appointment a week away instead of two and suggested I see my psychiatrist about a med switch.

But I just want to know what the hell is happening to me. Nothing objective in my life has changed-- I've been on the same meds since last february, see my therapist every other week... but first the meds seemed to be wearing off (hence the depression), and now this?

What the hell is happening to me?

(I know this is probably a better question for a doctor/therapist, I just need someone to talk to me about it until I can make it to next week. My hope is that someone will have been here before, or at least semi-understand my ramblings.)

Depression can present itself in so many different ways. I am sorry that you are experiencing so much distress right now. Unfortunately nothing has to happen to bring on depression. Maybe you can be as specific with your t and pdoc about your feelings. Hopefully that will help them support you better.

BB

one of the things that's so hard of depression is that it often doesnt make sense.
Recently there have been lots of studies that help us understand better what causes depression and how to help people with depression.
There are so many different things.
I'm sure the issues with the bf don't help.

I know this will probably be a tough week for you. Please hang on, you're not alone. I've had weeks like the one you're having - I come out of a down spot... look at what I was thinking, feel scared, shocked, even confused... normally for me a small part of me still wants it at the point.. but it's scary. Maybe talking about a med switch will help? Maybe your therapist will have something next week? Hold on, and lots of hugs

the intensity factors of your description make me agree with the others.. the time to catch this thing is before it falls much further.. sounds like some emotional disconnections happening because you describe not knowing how you feel.. get local professional help if able, and continue letting us know how you are doing, k?

Hi, Yeah it sounds like dep. With me it sometimes comes with anger, sometimes I will lose time, Sometimes so confused I am scared to make a decission. I not saying to make you nervous, with my old T she would tell me stuff, when I was doing good, but when she thought I was near crisis she would not talk either. I think they just go into this crisis mode and lead you by the hand, but don't say much. Again that is just me thinking. I really don't know. Feel better soon,