[theimmune]

back when i was at my worst depressed prior to this, at least i think i had at least some faith in the system, and that maybe there was something to live for. now i know better. i know that things dont work. and that my life will never be even a glimmer of what i thought. i know it wont get any better. my mind is too broken. i have given up and lost my faith.

i’m a huge failure. all this, i brought on myself. my inability to cope, manage my life, to make things better, and make better decisions. i am so stuck and see no way to fix this. i can only hope to keep my job, but even that is monumental effort. i get there an hour late every day, and can barely keep it together to last the day out. i have so many personal issues and problems and dx’s, i dont even see what the point is, i’ll never be okay.

my pdoc cant help me. give me more meds? for what? ive been through so many, they only give me awful side effects. or he can put me in the hospital, where i am terrified, absolutely terrified. for me, there is nothing worse than being in the hospital. i have ptsd, and am too afraid to sleep or be alone. i dont know who to trust... and i have tongued my meds at night to stay up because i fear for my safety. that, and the doctors changing your meds and forcing you to take them, no matter your objections. what if they just decide that they won’t let me out?

my pdoc tells me i need a therapist. no kidding. i. can’t. find. one. my insurance bites. and i have to arrange around work. (which either might not be a problem much longer, as i can barely function there either.) so its evenings or weekends. and i have a bad time trusting any therapist after lots of bad experiences. i’m totally exhuasted. i barely even care anymore. im drinking every night, si’ing again, can’t sleep. i have terrible nightmares when i do sleep. and i’m alone, and isolated, so there is nobody to turn to.

i dont know what i want out of this post, as i cant see what can change. maybe just to be heard? i dont have anyone irl to vent these thoughts to. yaaaah. i’m sorry. thanks so much for listening.

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((((((((((theimmune))))))))))))))))))))) I am sorry that you are struggling so much. I know how hard it can be to trust someone but it seems you need some support right now. Maybe you can try a t and see how it goes. Please try and reach out for some help.

BB

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((( theimmune )))))))))))))))))))) I agree with bipolar bear, maybe you should try going to a t, I know that taking the time for yourself can be a hard thing to do, but it can be worth it.