[RapunzelReconstruc.]

Alright..I am a little surprised that I am posting--- actually, to be honest, I am not even sure how this site works...who sees this...etc... I just stumbled upon it, while looking for something, anything that might lead me to someone feeling the same way...although I am not even sure if that is healthy- I read a few posts and wondered to myself if reading things here will leave me sinking further into whatever dark abyss I have jumped into---or feeling a sense of solidarity- with other people- severely depressed...hmmm...doesn't exactly sound like the road to happiness...

I guess there is some sort of twisted comfort in knowing that someone else might be feeling the same way or some similar way right now. Because the people that say they love you look at you like you are an alien and wonder where the "normal" you has gone and when she'll be returning...acting like you have chosen to dive into your melancholy, as if you derive some sort of pleasure from it, and could just "snap out of it" at will...

Maybe I am looking for simple understanding. Nothing more, nothing less...

The hard part is here, I don't know how to explain, how I am feeling, so that someone else could relate, and possibly recognize their own feelings... I feel shut off, completely shut down. I've felt this way for a couple months now, and maybe intermittently for years. I feel like I don't have access to myself, my real, genuine, "normal" self- and the harder I try to find myself in this murky swamp of a mind I've been living in, the more elusive normal me becomes. I fake as much as I can, go to work, school and do everything I can to hide the fact that I am not really there...and I come home, and that is usually when I am so exhausted from working so hard that I can't fake feeling normal any longer- and the zombie emerges. I can't concentrate, read or write papers, I get frustrated with myself.

I feel like nothing seems to b e worth all the effort I have been putting in, and I am losing the drive to keep up the charade. I feel empty, dull gray ominous clouds of blankness, emptiness, loneliness, motionless--- even looking into the eyes of the person who says they love me and wants to promise a life with me- I see nothing comforting- I feel like a stranger in my own life- I barely recognize the girl I see in the mirror.

I feel guilt for feelings so awful when all over the world there are people who have lives so much harder than mine and they can get through it without doing this. I feel guilt for alienating everyone who cares about me. I feel like I am failing at everything. I feel utterly alone despite the fact there are people there for me. Wishing I could fall asleep and never wake up, I look for ways to try and get out of this and am finding none.

I see a therapist once a week---and he tells me I am harder to read than anyone he's ever dealt with- yet I feel absolutely translucent- I know I can try to put up walls, detach, and bring out my Ice-Princess personality when I feel threatened or vulnerable- but even with that I feel completely transparent.

I guess if you can relate (which hopefully most people can't, I guess)--- it would be relieving to hear from you.

[Beautiful_Pain]

Firstly, welcome to PC.

About finding someone who can relate, I don't think its unhealthy. Connection on some level with others is human nature. (so not an expert, just what I think)

reading things here will leave me sinking further into whatever dark abyss I have jumped into---or feeling a sense of solidarity- with other people- severely depressed...hmmm...doesn't exactly sound like the road to happiness...

I think, and its been my experience, that you /can/ sink further if you allow the negative aspects of the postings to overshadow the positive. Not everyone who posts in the depression forum is severely depressed. Many are in therapy and doing well...but having been in the darkness try to help those of us who are still that far down. They understand where we're coming from, can empathize with our feelings and struggles. They may not have perfect understanding, having experienced their own struggles-not ours, but they can relate. They can share what's helped them when they were deep in their own depression and hopefully help us find hope.

And in regards to feeling closed off from your true self, lost in the darkness. I feel the same way, I have for 20 years. Hopefully soon I will be able to find the help I need, having finally gotten my referral letter for MH services. I fake a life, have for a very long time. I don't know how else to go through anything, really...only by using the facade and staying distant. I am very close to saying that NOTHING is worth this, I'm tired of living a lie--if you can call it living. But I'm not decided about that yet, I'm struggling with it right now. I get frustrated with myself too, mainly physically, but in other senses as well. I feel weak and stupid for 'being like this' too, I know people who have been through worse and they are fine. It must be because I'm weak, or too dumb to actually deal with it, or maybe I even deserve it. Though I know many here who are getting better would say otherwise--that is part of the depression talking. I'm not sure I'm convinced, but that would be nice. I live in a house with 3 other adults--my husband, mom and sister. And 99% of the time I feel very alone. Part of me thinks if they knew, they wouldn't love me/make fun of me/tell me I am weak. I also don't want to worry anyone, I know its not a pleasant subject to talk about, so why should they have to hear about it? But also, they wouldn't understand anyway. They've tried, but they can't, and I know this...so I feel very lonely sometimes. PC has helped in that I can post here and not feel so alone, someone here will understand. It helps, sometimes, to know I'm not alone in feeling this way. I've wanted alot of times to fall asleep and never wake up, to disappear, to just go away. I'm actually getting back to the point of wanting to disappear.

I can relate, sorry you have to deal with this. I hope you find something here (or anywhere) that helps, because it sucks to be stuck in the darkness alone.

[gimmeice]

Hello RapunzelReconstruc., welcome to psychcentral. First of all if you have any questions or concerns feel free to private message either me or any community liaison or moderator, here is a link to a list of the community team:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showgroups.php

This site is really amazing how it actually works, you find support from people who have been or who still are in a similar place as you are. It's hard to explain but for me it has been a positive experience, my therapist is well aware that I am active here and encourages me to be here, she has seen the positive effect it has had.
I also wanted to tell you that therapy is a long process most of the time, it takes a while to really open up to your therapist or at least that is my experience. I know the feeling of not feeling yourself like you lost yourself somewhere along the way, I have actually spent time mourning myself and who I once was. When I started this journey of healing(I still have a long way to go) I thought I was also weak since I also know people that seem to have it much worse then me and they seem to be okay, my therapist says that people who are in therapy are actually pretty strong because they are there to face their problems, so I don't think that you are weak at all.
I hope to see you around, post whenever you feel comfortable.

[bipolar_bear]

Welcome to PC. People come here for many different reasons but mostly for support. To not feel so all alone. To find some understanding in feelings that don't always seem to make sense. To hear that there is hope out there and things really do get better. Maybe you fit somewhere in that continuum. I hope you see the forum for what it really is and that is people helping people cope with something that is so hard to deal with alone; to have support. There are victories as people heal and there are times when people are just there to listen and be there for someone. Sometimes words are not even needed as so many people have been there themselves and understand the feelings someone is having. I guess I am not sure exactly what you are looking for but hopefully we are able to fulfill at least some of those needs.

I am sorry about your t. I find that some of the feelings are so strong and so scary that I am unable to verbalize them. Over time they will come out; when you are ready and feel safe. I hope PC helps you learn that there is safety in sharing.

I am very glad you found us and look forward to getting to know you. Don't hesitate to PM me with any questions.

BB

[turquoisesea]

hi RapunzelReconstruc., welcome to pc

One added thing I'd like to say is based on this:
The hard part is here, I don't know how to explain, how I am feeling, so that someone else could relate, and possibly recognize their own feelings... I feel shut off, completely shut down.

One huge HUGE HUGE part of therapy, and getting better in depression is finding out how to express feelings. Because they are often so shut down deep inside us.
I used to be unable to talk about what was happening, now I can do so.
This site has helped me to do that. It helped me ease out of my "comfort zone" (of ignoring feelings/getting worse) and learning how to talk to others.

Also, the experiences of others have taught me a lot. Some posts will suddenly make something clear to me that I otherwise would have taken a LONG time to understand about what's happening to me.

Some posts can be discouraging, mostly because I get sad that so many people are sad and if so many are on this site... how can I get better
But I take hope from the fact that I AM feeling better than when I first came here. I can see the progress people here are making. And I am learning from it all. And I like to help people too.

You're more than welcome to post here,
try to figure out what you're feeling would be my advice.
Feel free to rant out your feelings and post.

Maybe, by reading other posts you can say "oh, actually that's EXACTLY how i feel, wouldn't have said it that way but wow that's a good way to say it"

I guess I want to add, that you can use this site as a tool to learn how to talk and accept the feelings inside you. Once you do this you can move on, and figure out how to work with them and make yourself feel better

I wish you the best of luck, pm me anytime if you wants, and keep posting

loads of hugs
~turquoisesea

[nightbird]

Hi,

Keep posting... and hopefully you will begin feeling somewhat better!

Nice to meet you!

Peace and Encouragement,
Night