[turquoisesea]

so the dean of studies dropped a huge bomb on me today

calls me in... says she wants me to take a medical leave or she'll force it on me 0.o
Was so hurt and lost at first, cried for over an hour and was totally gone. was in a bad and really DANGEROUS spot

but...
My bf kept me safe. He called my therapist. She called back and I talked to her. I also went to my first meeting with the GOOD therapist I've been waiting for earlier this morning. Was SOO happy earlier, felt like I could take more one now then.. the bomb!!! bang bang bang
She helped on the phone. Called my advisor/teacher. Called my parents but only reached my dad.
Went out for an amazing dinner with my bf because we'd both been through so much today.

So today has been major steps forward (new therapist, new forward outlook) and what feels like one major step ALL THE WAY BACK(medical leave *flails NUUUU PLZZZZ NUUUUU*.

But what else I did today... even though I felt I lost everything I stayed safe. Yes, that's mostly thanks to my bf. But I stayed safe. I only wanted to end it all for 1 1/2 hours, even after such a HUGE blow. I only whacked myself a few times. I didn't go into a si spree. and just a few hours after the bomb hit, I was promising aloud all those thoughts that I would never follow up on and why.

I went from feeling that everyone I'd ever trusted (trust is a major thing with me) to starting to accept the loss of control that I've feared so much.
It gives me a chance to work on getting better.

As long as I can convince my parents that the best place for me next semester is around school where I can get BACK the life I seem to have misplaced... I'll be ok. BIG if. (if i'm stuck home I'm SCREWED)

soooo dead right now x.x but at the same time all of this shows that in a few REALLY weird ways I've moved towards recovery. Time to focus on that, and keep getting better

I'm drained from all this
could I have a few hugs? plx?

as per requested...

((((((((((( TURQ )))))))))))

xoxo
presh



.

[cantstopcrying]

News from the dean

You did awesome with the si!!!!!!
Night out with bf

For you!!!

[notz]

HUGS...HUGS...MORE HUGS!

[lmg103]

HUGGSSSSSSSS

[pachyderm]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((turquoisesea)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[turquoisesea]

thanks so much everyone for the support

unfortunately got bad new.

my parents are determined to take me back home. If i can't convince them otherwise (and from what they said it's impossible) I'm going to be going back home, possibly in two days.

Home is what spurred this cycle of depression which has left me nonfunction. Home is a spot where I can not start to get better. Everything I have worked for is here, the school aspect is taken away but not the relationship and the mental help I've been getting.

I can't see myself getting better at home, I can see myself dying either inside, physically, or both.

I don't know what to do, I've tried to explain almost everything to them. No I haven't told them I've been suicidal in the past, or that i've si'ed. But other than that I've told them pretty much everything, down to the panic attacks due to meds, the med descriptions. And I fear telling htem these details will only make them draw me home stronger.

I don't know what to do
I was getting it so figured out now... I'm screwed

any idea thoughts anything?
I need help but I don't know how to get it right now

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

my parents are determined to take me back home. If i can't convince them otherwise (and from what they said it's impossible) I'm going to be going back home, possibly in two days.

I'm not sure I understand the situation: why do you have to do what your parents are determined that you have to do?

[Capp]

((turquoisesea))
You have been on a roller coaster ride of things, for sure!
I'm sorry you are going through so much, but very glad you posted about it...

I'm with pachyderm in wondering about your parents...since you are getting some of the help and support you need right where you are, why would they want you to leave it? Perhaps straight talking with them will help? It may clear up any misunderstandings or fears they may have about you staying there.

You are in my thoughts for courage and trust,
Cap

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( turquoisesea )))))))))))))

[turquoisesea]

thing with the parents - i tried my best to explain it would get worse if I came home. They seem to think they can fix the factors that mad me get at worse at home, I tell them that everything I have to get better is up here and they say they can't afford to keep me here.

The reason I have to listen to them is because I"m financially dependent on them right now.

I might be able to pull from some saving funds of mine, I have to see.

Thanks so much for the hugs, I'm just so scared right now

[Figuring It Out]

I am so sorry, but you will make it through this. In the meantime,

[nightbird]

xoxoxoxoxo


relax, maybe take a slow walk and clear your mind... smile!

[turquoisesea]

thanks so much for all the support everyone

update: parents have gone from saying: "YOU MUST COME HOME IN THE NEXT 2 DAYS", to I can stay until christmas and we'll see from there.

They want to come up with a plan of how I'll get better and prove I'm getting better while up here. And also to think about coming home still.

so we'll see, but at least it's not a complete removal yet of everything I treasure and love

*hugs everyone*

[brephi]

Turq, so sorry you are having such a hard time. I only wish the best for you. I can only and hope that will help you get through somehow.

brephi