[Berries]

I recently had a major physical health issue, the 4th day after I moved cross country from a place I’d lived for 25 years. Big deal! The health issue led to me stopping a medication I’d been on for 15 years—Clozaril and 2 weeks later, starting a medication—Prednisone. I was on Prednisone for 6 weeks. Just got off, tapered off, a week ago. I believe the withdrawal from the Clozaril and the prednisone induced—as opposed to “triggered”—a bipolar-like episode—a daily rapid cycling mixed episode.
My new psychiatrist put me on Seroquil, and I am on it now. I am doing much better mood wise and thinking wise now. My mom, who I live with and my new T agree. I think it’s just because I’m off the prednisone. They disagree AND want me back on Clozaril.

Supposedly I am having a mental illness episode. Supposedly, I am either bipolar I and/or schizzo-affective, and/or schizzo-obsessive, and/or OCD. Supposedly, I have been mentally ill (whatever the name/label of the diagnoses) since I was a teenager.
I am not in denial. That's not what this is about. I wish, I hope I am severely, chronically debilitatingly mentally ill. Because, if I'm not I feel I have a moral obligation to "off" myself.
I don't want to. AT ALL. I just wouldn't want to do that to my mom, my grandparents, or my friend. And I don't want to die. AT ALL.
I have been on disability since 18, for 24 YEARS, non-stop. I've only ever had part-time jobs and gone to college (and graduated) 3/4 time w/o a job at all during. I may have wasted my whole life and wrongly taken tax payer's money. Not to mention the greatest sin--the insult to people who have been and are genuinely suffering from mental illnesses.
But, I think I might have been misdiagnosed all these years. It can happen--one doctor makes a diagnosis and all the rest just follow along, looking for what the other doctor saw and seeing it because they think that's what they "should" see because all the other doctors saw it.
This originally started gnawing on me when my former therapist stated that she didn’t “see it” (my illness) and was glad when I told her they were yanking me off Clozaril, cold turkey, saying, “good, now you can find out you don’t need it.”
Out of fear of life and general laziness, maybe I've been faking my symptoms all these years. I know exactly what the symptoms are for the illnesses I've been diagnosed as, I am very smart, I have a degree in THEATRE (and several excellent reviews for college plays—I must be a somewhat good actress). Maybe I've been just been doing a great job of "acting" all these years.
Maybe I'm just a big coward? Maybe I just don't want the responsibilities of adulthood. Actually, I know I don’t. I never have. Even as a small child, I never could understand why all my friends couldn’t wait to “grow up.” Even then, I wanted to remain a child forever.
I’m 42 now, too late to start a career. Too late to start a family. And to be quite honest, I won’t even try. I refuse to. I am just too scared to do that.
The really sick thing is--I want to be sick. Even if I am truly mentally ill, I don't have a desire to get “well.” I have refused to get back on the Clozaril that I used to say changed my life. I jack around with the meds I'm on now, knowing that that messes with my brain chemistry. I do it FOR THAT PURPOSE. I don't want to be or get depressed--that sucks. But if I do, so be it. What I really want is to be manic and stay that way forever. I don't care if I have another psychotic break, as long as I don't have to be hospitalized. I don't want to have a normal mood!!!! I want to feel alive. And I want to be drug free. I want to be ME. Not what everyone else wants me to be.
But if I stop all my meds, and I go crazy, they'll just force me into the hospital and force the meds on me. I know. Been there. Done that. It’s like being raped—you lose your dignity and are just a tied up, sedated, zombie mental patient.
And if I don't go crazyoff the meds, I'll feel obligated to "off" myself.
What the **** am I doing????????? What do you all think? Please, don’t say I really am mentally ill, because... I’ve already head that, plenty. Would somebody please just assume, or if you have to pretend, I’m right and tell me what you’d do if you were me???

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((( Lbien )))))))))))))))))))

I have had those kind of thoughts, the maybe I am faking it part. Maybe you should talk to your T about this, it sounds concerning. I don't think that you are morally obligated to do that in fact I feel quite the opposite, I really think that you should seek some sort of help ASAP so you can work through this.

[Lenny]

Originally Posted by Lbien6

I’m 42 now, too late to start a career. Too late to start a family. And to be quite honest, I won’t even try. I refuse to. I am just too scared to do that.

I agree with gimmeice Lbien6...be as honest as you can with your T...it seems the new medication has given you some relief and clear headedness...but please stick with it...

As far as the "too late" statement...I don't agree. Some of the greatest gifts to our species came from men and women later in life...the list of these is long...You can do anything you wish Lbien6...and it seems you have a plethora of experiences in your life thus far that could build a variety of futures..

Welcome to our community and your post here has offered some of us a moment or two to think hard on your questions...that in itself is a gift of teaching..

Thank you...and make yourself a great day..

Lenny

[Perna]

Sounds like with your theater background you've talked yourself into a corner and don't know how to talk yourself back out? What's with the either/or, black and white thinking? Seems to me, if you're not mentally bogged down by illness, if you're being yourself and "well" that you will feel differently about life and excited about what you might be able to do/achieve and how your life could be.

The "42"/life is over line doesn't work for me though; I'm 58 and just got my second BA last year and wandered on to grad school. I got married when I was 39 (for the first time) and was in therapy 1970-2005 and am healthy, happy, etc.

Let's assume you could have an 84 year lifespan :-) Why not think in terms of, if you've been "faking" it all these years, you have an equal amount of time to make up for it and pay restitution? What would you do if you were free of feeling horrible and could be yourself and comfortable with life?

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((Lbien6)))))))))))))) I'm sorry you're having such a rough time right now.

Does it have to be an either/or thing? There are varying degrees of everything, in my opinion. I don't really think anyone is lazy per se. I think we all do the best we can do.

I have a son who struggled so much. He always thought he was lazy because he couldn't do a lot of things that he thought he should or thought he wanted to. He kind of felt the same way as you are saying here. I have felt the same way, but I go to the other extreme sometimes as far as working.

For son, he has had to try different medicines to find out what worked for him. Between that and good therapy, he's really managing much better and is now holding a job. It wasn't laziness that made it so he couldn't work before.

Sometimes it isn't clear what is going on and sometimes it takes a while to figure things out.

I'm glad you're here and I hope you'll stick around. I understand how you're feeling and I would wager that there are many here that do as well. We'd like to support you through this and hope you will keep yourself safe.

[Berries]

Thank you everybody. It's always nice to get responses!
I don't have a long list--just my mom, my best friend (& only friend--my choice), my T and my med doc, but everybody is sick of hearing my "faking" delimma.
So, I can't talk about it with anyone anymore.
I guess that's why I wrote about it here.
So, now I don't have that anymore either, since I've done it now.
My mom just came in the room with a big smile on her face and told me how great I've been doing (she means behaving like a sane non-manic non-depressed person) the past three days.
Why don't I feel good about that?
I am feeling and doing so much better now. What the hell is wrong with me? Am I one of those people who can't be happy unless she is unhappy? A big drama queen who has to have negative attention all the time? How pathetic is that??????