[littleyellowspider]

I just can't make my feelings of worthlessness go away, I feel so sad. I will be 20 in April and whenever I think of this it makes me so upset because I think in 20 years I have never done anything worthwhile, I am just a waste of space and everyone's time. I feel so empty. My T told me to make a scrapbook of myself, she says it is supposed to help me see that there is more to me then what I think but since I have started working on it it makes me so sad because I don't know what to put in it, I wanted to put photos but they make me sad because I just think about how ugly and stupid I look, I wanted to put some of my artwork in it but then I think that's stupid because none of it is any good, I wanted to put in stuff from different things I had done but everything i have done just seems worthless. This scrapbook is not helping me at all. I wonder why I am even here, I think that if I just disappeared everyone would be so much happier but then I think I am so insignificant that if I disappeared people wouldn't even notice a difference.

[Phyliss49]

Oh Little,
I'm sorry you are feeling so down. You are not insignificant. You express your feelings with such strength and clarity, that I can't wait to see what you will do when the depression lifts. I think you should give the scrapbook a try. When I first began therapy, my T suggested something very siimlar and it really helped me to see the good things aout me.
I wish you well and a sending you love and hugs. I'm here to listen if you need.


Phyliss

[DOWNINNATICK]

Hi Little;
I know it is very hard to think you are important and that you do great things, as far as the scrapbook is, put in the pictures and anything else you have done, it is part of who you are and there is nothing stupid about what you have done. Just doing little things is really taking big steps into changing and you just have to learn, not to be so hard on yourself. You're still young and once this illness is under control you will be able to go as far as you want to and help others too.

Hugs
Cindy

[littleyellowspider]

Thank you both for your kind replies, I feel a little better tonight.
In a previous post I mentioned that I was having trouble with my room mate and wanted to move out but couldn't because there were no extra rooms and I didn't have anyone else to room with. Well I got lucky and my roommate decided to move out on me, she has a close friend who she is now rooming with. It's weird but now I feel kind of sad, like I wanted to not live with her, i really couldn't live with her, it was too triggering. But now I feel even more alone, even though I wanted to leave her I feel rejected and like such a failure and bad person because she left me. She didn't want to live with me, I don't blame her, i wouldn't want to live with me either. It's weird how sometimes you get what you want but it doesn't turn out the way you thought.
I can hear people in the room next to mine laughing and it makes me feel so alone, I don't understand why I don't have that in my room, I don't understand why I'm like this.
I just feel so sad.

[madisgram]

lys, you have posted earlier the triggering causes that made you want for the roomie situation to change and you get another roomie. that problem has now been resolved. that is good news.
i know there was a time i didn't like myself too much, like you now. since you are at school there are school counselors there. i highly encourage you to seek help about your depression. it will be difficult at best for you to pull your own self out of this by yourself. depression only intensifies if it is not addressed. your self concept is skewed too cause depression can make everything in one's life look bleak and hopeless. it can make one feel empty, numb, not worthy. it's not your fault. it may very well be a chemical imbalance or a thyroid condition you are unaware of.
you don't have to feel this way. i hope you'll make the effort and seek help for yourself. in the meantime, i'll pray for you. you can pm if you want to.

[Phyliss49]

I'm glad you're feeling a little better. But as for your roomate leaving, if she was a trigger, it's for the best. Maybe you could find a more suitable roomate. But take care of you first, before you do anything.

[madisgram]

LYS, i checked your post yesterday and see that you are seeing a T. you need to tell the T about your SI so he can help you. have you told your T about this recent restarting of SI?

[littleyellowspider]

I haven't told my therapist, Like she knows that I do it but as far as she knows I haven't done it in a while, I guess I am a little worried to tell her because I'm kind of ashamed of it. I feel really stupid that I did it again.
And you both are right, it is better that my roommate moved out, I know that, I just feel kind of sad

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( littleyellowspider ))))))))))))))))))