[andycamp]

Well I am seeing my med Dr. and therapist both tonight before dinner and we will have to discuss where we have left off from last week. The med changed has helped the anxiety somewhat but not the depression and thoughts of wanting it all to end. My therapist and I have been in touch via e-mail thanks to the encouragment of people here to try to e-mail her my feelings since I can never get them out verbally when things are so tough. I love my therapist so much I don't know why it is so hard to tell her when I am having such problems. For that matter why I have such a hard time talking in generall. She has been my lifesavor. Anyway I am scared of how tonight will go and the outcome. I think she or both of them my say hospitalization to keep me safe so we can try to figure out what needs to be done. A med change or what I don't know I feel like I have tried all meds. I am scared to go back to the hospital yet part of me feels like maybe once I am there it would be a relief that I would be safe and that I would not be able to hurt myself and maybe being with others would help me figure things out and just being in some supportive groups would help. I am so confused and scared. My mind tells me to hurt myself and end it yet I have been fighting everyday to make it till today. I hope we can figure something out. I am very tired, feeling sick and lousy and scard of all that is going on. Why do we have to fight such pain. What have we done? and why now have things suddenly gotten bad is something wrong with me? I teach and having to take any time off and explain why is hard enough. I feel like I am putting so much pressure on my mom and sis. Please say a prayer for me and my family I don't wish to hurt anyone. I just want to either get better or get out.

[Capp]

((Andy))
My thoughts are with you...

It's good that you recognize that inpatient may be best for you right now...a place of relief and where you can let your guard down.
Please make wanting to live your first priority.
With help, living can be peaceful, full of hope, and have many moments of laughter.
Andy, you deserve to be happy. Keep your mind and heart open to the things that will help you find the joy.

Peace and Power,
Cap

[madisgram]

((andy)) gosh you wrote so much positive stuff in your post. yes, positive. you are going to be all right. you have the willingness to get better...and that is half the battle. i'll send up many prayers for you. there's power in that. i know that it's hard to see the outcome yet but you will and it will change your lfie for the better. i feel like i know this cause it happened to me. i saw so much of myself in your post. hang in there, andy. you're on the right road.
it's ok to be scared cause you're putting your trust in people that will help you. the fear will subside and if you have to go to the hospital to do that you will be a very safe environment to get the "jumpstart" you need to get better.
keep us posted on how you're doing if you can.