[lostkitten]

I think I'm getting depressed again.

I had experienced depression before and thought that it would finally stop now. Though, I'm disappointed to find it's back.

I find it harder to go on living. I always find myself planning out my details of suicide. Or, at least, I would plan to run away. I've thought about these things countless times.

I've never really received much support from my family; the last frame of support I have. My mother and father were never there for me as a child because of work, and thus I have only grown close to my brother and sister. The problem is that they now have their own lives and are never at home. My sister moved out and my brother is always at work. I find it difficult to talk to my parents and when I do, it's often with hostility that I never meant to have. I was never close with them in the first place, so that doesn't help either.

I find myself only happy with my friends and my boyfriend because they are much more supportive than my family ever was. My family only ever has to offer is negative feelings and environments for me. They're always criticizing me no matter how much I try my best to do in school. I've never even heard them compliment me on my work. I recently started doing not so well in school anymore because of this.

I try to boost my self-confidence with a huge ego, but it fails me in my times of need. I feel that I am lying to myself most of the time and running to my friends and boyfriend for the help that I can't get at home. I rarely meet my boyfriend because of complications and I don't have as many friends as I used to.

I feel frustrated and depressed. What's the point of trying if all I'm ever going to get is negative feedback? I've never been rewarded for my hard work. I find myself trying to run away in my dreams and sleeping for abnormal amounts of time (12 hours at one point) and still feeling tired. I've taken pain relief pills at the slightest hint of pain in my body and I fear I'm addicted to them.

I haven't seen my boyfriend, the only one to give me positive support, who tells me that I've done a good job, who is always there for me. I find myself wanting to die every time I can't see him. I feel horribly alone all the time. I find myself locked in my room and not eating for long periods of time.

I just feel alone and depressed. I feel unappreciated and uncared for. I ask myself why should I keep living? Or, I feel that I could find better places to be and wanting to run away.

I wish I wasn't alone.

I went to therapy before and stopped because I thought I got better, but I guess I'm not.

Do you think I should go back?
My family looked down on me before because of it though.

[justfloating]

hi lostkitten, i'm glad you found pc and were able to get your feelings out.

First of all...

I hope some of those hugs help for now! I'm so sorry things have gotten rough for you again and I sincerely hope that you'll be able to sort them out. You said you stopped going to therapy because you thought you got better -- does that mean that you found talking to a therapist helped? If so, I think you should go back. Sometimes our families, or anyone who isn't experiencing depression for themselves, have a hard time understanding what's going on with us. Unfortunately, that means that you might not always get the comfort you're looking for from them, or a positive response to the steps you're taking to getting better. But I learned the hard way -- after first denying and then hiding my depression for a long time -- that this has to be about YOU. You can't let others' judgements affect your treatment. YOU are the one who is depressed, and you need to do what YOU think is right to get better. That can mean all kinds of things, therapy, medication, a change in diet or exercise habits ... but ultimately, this is YOUR life and YOUR illness and not even your family's opinions should matter if YOU want and need to get better. You might find going back to the therapist helpful, so that you can talk about some of the things you can't discuss with anyone else. I find that it's such a release just letting everything out. Have you seen a doctor -- either before or recently -- about your depression? If you're already on medication, you might need to get it adjusted or switch to something else, or if you're not on medication your doctor might decide it could be something that might help you. If you really can't get to the therapist or a doctor right now, there's always the crisis line you can call if you need someone to talk to right away. Do whatever you need to do to feel better, because submitting to others' judgements is only going to make you feel worse.

In the meantime, please keep posting. There are so many caring people here who understand exactly what you're going through, and can offer you the support and space to talk about what's going on. It sounds like you're in a bad place but you're not alone, I promise! Feel free to pm me if you want to talk it out.

More hugs for you!
Take care.

[stefano]

Hello,
you have many issues of different nature. You really need a pdoc, there are a LOT of things you can fix in your life to feel better, you need to make up your mind about then. Find help.

And let us know how it goes, there is caring people here.

[Berries]

I think you should go back. If it helped before, then I think you should go now.
Your family may not "approve", but I would get the help I needed and get it while I could, regardless.

It is dangerous to let depression go untreated. Life-threatenly dangerous.
It usually just gets worse and worse.

Please, take care of yourself. It's OK to get medical treatment. Depression is a medical illness.