[jacq10]

Lately I've not been feeling like myself because I sustained a concussion... but now, while my symptoms are in the process of going away, I'm just feeling like absolute... ****. I lay in my bed... at various points of the day, not knowing what to do with myself. I am SO unmotivated to do any of my school work.... or anything for that matter, and I've been having lots of horrible thoughts. Thoughts of what might happen if I just down all my meds.. or take a whole bottle of advil to make my head stop hurting. I'm finding even showering is triggering because thats where I did the majority of my SI.....

I feel so lost without seeing my T more often. Every 3 weeks just isn't going to cut it. I know I have the option of going to walk-in, but I can't bring myself to do it. Every time I go I just feel like I'm wasting their time, and there are more people out there who need help over me.
Please.. anyone.. say anything. Keep my distracted so that I'm not being consumed with this horrid thoughts, because the more I think these... the more inclined I am to rationalize them. And the more i rationalize them... the more tempting they become... and i'm not sure I have much strength left in me to fight them.

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by jacq10

Lately I've not been feeling like myself because I sustained a concussion... but now, while my symptoms are in the process of going away, I'm just feeling like absolute... ****. I lay in my bed... at various points of the day, not knowing what to do with myself. I am SO unmotivated to do any of my school work.... or anything for that matter, and I've been having lots of horrible thoughts. Thoughts of what might happen if I just down all my meds.. or take a whole bottle of advil to make my head stop hurting. I'm finding even showering is triggering because thats where I did the majority of my SI.....

I feel so lost without seeing my T more often. Every 3 weeks just isn't going to cut it. I know I have the option of going to walk-in, but I can't bring myself to do it. Every time I go I just feel like I'm wasting their time, and there are more people out there who need help over me.
Please.. anyone.. say anything. Keep my distracted so that I'm not being consumed with this horrid thoughts, because the more I think these... the more inclined I am to rationalize them. And the more i rationalize them... the more tempting they become... and i'm not sure I have much strength left in me to fight them.

(((((((((((((((((((((((jaq)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I had a concussion before. It felt like I didn't understand what was going on around me half the time. I forgot where I was going, what my plans were, and had general malaise. I remember once trying to repeatedly put my keys in the door to my apartment, only to have it pointed out to me that the door in question was actually a hallway utility closet---with no keyhole to boot! I felt a little depressed during the whole episode too, which I learned later was common with concussions. The only thing to do with a concussion is rest and your body will recover.

In your situation, I think you really should get direction from your therapist. Can you call your therapist to talk this over with? My therapist would want me to call him if I ever felt the way your describing. Get another appointment with him/her ASAP too, because you need extra support right now. Discuss with him going back to more frequent visits, as it's possible you spaced appointments too far apart for what you describe here, which are serious issues.

If you can't reach a friend or family member, try to post here frequently. It helps to be in a supportive environment instead of trying to go it alone.

[nowheretorun]

((Jacq))))))) dont take on the weight of the world alone, its intended to be a shared weight... sending my hope and cares always

[pegasus]

((((((( jacq ))))))))

It can take a good fews weeks to feel 'right' after having concussion, so take extra care at the moment and give it time to get better.

About therapy, it would be good to contact T and see if you can get appointments every 2 weeks. Three weeks really can feel like a long time and you are entitled to receiving care, you are worth it!

[jacq10]

I called in to counselling services and my T isn't working the walk-in today.... I don't know what to do ... I have my CBT for depression tonight, but I'm not sure thats really going to help. We're focusing on "recovery" tonight.... something that seems way too far off to even consider. I don't know that I can sit there and be all optimistic.

I had a dream last night about telling someone (a T) about my "thoughts" lately, and even there I was rejected. I feel like I'm making these up or something, like even though I'm consumed by them, I should just be able to stop thinking like this. That a person with my education and support should just be able to forget about these irrational suicidal thoughts and focus on what is REALLY important.

ugh.
I feel at a huge loss right now

[turquoisesea]

it's not smarts that gets you out of it. the most intelligent of minds can be overcome by feelings.

reach out where you can, stay strong.

even though it doesnt feel like it , hang out with friends, go out ANYWHERE... like coffee? coffee shop even just to sit. dont like coffee? maybe a computer lab ? or the coffe shop again just to sit

sending hugs

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( Jacq ))))))))))))))

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by jacq10

I called in to counselling services and my T isn't working the walk-in today.... I don't know what to do ... I have my CBT for depression tonight, but I'm not sure thats really going to help. We're focusing on "recovery" tonight.... something that seems way too far off to even consider. I don't know that I can sit there and be all optimistic.

I had a dream last night about telling someone (a T) about my "thoughts" lately, and even there I was rejected. I feel like I'm making these up or something, like even though I'm consumed by them, I should just be able to stop thinking like this. That a person with my education and support should just be able to forget about these irrational suicidal thoughts and focus on what is REALLY important.

ugh.
I feel at a huge loss right now

jacq that cbt session tonite will be good for you and for everybody else. why? cause you're having trouble getting to recovery!!!
as for your depression, it doesn't go away cause we're smart...as a matter of fact that may even get in our way cause we think we should just buck up and get on with it!! NOT. depression has a mind of it's own. until you can get this all sorted out with your therapist and doc/concussion the depression will just wear you mentally down, down, down, imho. do whatever you need to do to get help. i used to say,well if i still feel this badly tomorrow, i'll call. well of course tomorrow came and i felt worse. so soon i devised a more helpful plan for myself and just got the help sooner. it enabled me to get more stabilized quicker cause i was not scavaging on the bottom of the sea by the time i got help.
hope this helps you and let us know how you are doing, k? we care for you, jacq, and u do matter.

[jacq10]

Went to my CBT tonight.... it was a rough session. I had to hold back my tears several times, even just on "setting goals" .. I guess I felt I wouldn't accomplish them anyway.

It was our last session tonight, and as I was leaving, I was just so scared. So scared to leave that safe room (however hard it was) and come back to my life at home. I left the room initially, but didn't even make it out of the building before I had to run back up.

Fortunately the counsellor who ran the group was still there, and she was such a sweetheart and let me come back in. I expressed to her that I didn't feel "safe" tonight and that I needed some things to do so that I wouldn't... well... so that I could be safe. She sat down with me, and we came up with a list of things that i could do.

I never realised just how much the power of eye contact is. I'm not very good at maintaining it myself, but at one point in our conversation, I was able to just look at her, and this felt SO safe to me. Almost like she was there holding my hand. And she had told us stories in group that showed she truly did understand the heart-wrenching pain of depression... i truly felt heard. Then she gave me her extension and told me to call her tomorrow. That simple act of kindness too made me feel understood, and like she truly cared.

So I'm home now, busy away doing my "list" and I think it's safe to say that i'm going to be essentially, and fundamentally, OK tonight.

I'm so thankful for all those kind souls out there...

[madisgram]

thank you for sharing your follow up at group last night with us, jacq. i had a good feeling about that session and glad to hear you went even tho u wondered, why do it? i am soo happy to hear that you had the conversation with your counselor. sounds like you made progress in your discussion and now have some "tools' to use while getting thru this difficult time. good for you!!!

[turquoisesea]

Originally Posted by jacq10

I never realised just how much the power of eye contact is. I'm not very good at maintaining it myself, but at one point in our conversation, I was able to just look at her, and this felt SO safe to me. Almost like she was there holding my hand. And she had told us stories in group that showed she truly did understand the heart-wrenching pain of depression... i truly felt heard. Then she gave me her extension and told me to call her tomorrow. That simple act of kindness too made me feel understood, and like she truly cared.

I'm SO happy for you, that's wonderful