[ThePainNeverDies]

Why do I even bother? I give up trying so *******ed hard to make everyone else happy.. I do everything for everyone, I couldn't even face college today.. All because I didn;t sleep well last night, and when I did, I had nightmares and woke up in cold sweats, crying, hitting myself..
The voices are back, the visions too.. Even though I don't believe they're "visions" or "hallucinations" how can they be when I see, hear, feel everything that happens in them? How?! i can barely go to my own room alone, let alone go shopping or to college or anything like that, alone.. Not without being afraid that someone's going to grab me and run off with me, or come and stab me from behind.. God it's so scary...

Then I don't even know my own Mother's birthday was last weekend.. I'm taking her out for a meal this weekend, though, but I should know that and I didn't.. What a crap daughter I am.. So.. I'm taking her out for a meal this weekend, with what money I do have.. I'm just so scared that I'm going to forget that she doesn't know about my SI and take my jumper or coat off because I'm hot, or that she doesn;t know about my "ED" that everyone says I have and make a slip of the tongue like I did the other day, on the phone to her.. I sia dthat the best time to call me would be 11am and she said "in other words that's when you'll get your butt out of bed!! Haha" I said "no, I'll be in the gym at 10 on the dot!" Big mistake.. "Why are you going to the gym? Who's been nasty to you, Kirsten?" She knows me too well dammit. "No-one recently, Mum, it's fine" she can't accept that.. "Well who's been nasty to you in the past then?" sigh. "My adoptive family, people at school, college, even Bryony" and it went on from there.. She said that i don't need to go to the gym, that I'm beautiful and I'm still growing and that I just have puppy fat and I'm going to grow taller, so lose that puppy fat, which is nothing. I'm just scared I'll start crying at the meal or something when I see how much I have to eat.. if I get the veggie stuff, Mum will pick up on it and make me change what I eat because she'll realise that I'm eating what'll make me thinner, not what I would like to eat..

I just feel like there's no point anymore.. Where did all the good people go? All the people that made me feel loved, cared about, wanted, appreicated? Even Alec doesn't give a s**t about me or my SI, all he cares about is getting sexual pleasure from me and winning arguments.. I can't even wear a low cut top or a skirt without him commenting about it and making some sexual remark about how he'd have sex with me but "has that control over himself". Ugh.. What am I? Just some sexual object that people can use and abuse as they please? Or just a punchbag that people can lay into whenever they're angry and need an outlet.. Or just want someone to hit, shout at, scream at, hate..

I'll answer that for you.. NO. I'm not even a piece of s**t on the floor that people trample on.. I'm nothing. Not even an it. NOTHING.
Did I deserve this? Did I hurt all these people? Did I do something to upset/hurt/anger them? All i ask is that people appreciate the effort I put in to everyone elses lives and problems, and the amount of stress I put myself under and still deal with it, just to help them..

All I ask is to be SOMEONE.. Is that so much to ask?
I feel dead. I may as well be.

[Anirtak]

You are not nothing. You do not deserve anything bad to happen to you. Please, don't give up. I'm here for you if you need me. You can PM me if you want.

[trevorzero]

Sorry to hear about all the depressing things that you are dealing with. It sounds like you could use a vacation from the people in your life. Perhaps you could stay with a friend or relative out of town for a weekend. It would be nice if you could get away for awhile.

[Amazonmom]

You are someone. You do matter.

It's really hard to remember that when things are going so badly, I know.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I would love to be able to get away for a while, but there's no chance that's happening for quite some time.. I have to buy food, pay rent, get electric and other stuff.. I get £42 a week for all of that. I could hardly fit in a weekend away.

I'm not feeling much better today.. One of my friends read this and he thought it was about him, but it wasn't, so I explained about it and stuffs and he said that he's there for me and such. Which helped a little.

I just wish things didn't have to be so crazy..

An example of being treated like nothing was last night.. I went to Rich's room for some peace and quiet because I'd just come from a room with loud, banging music and wanted to just chill out. Julian was in the room. He decided it'd be funny to pick up Rich's bin, full of rubbish and try tipping it onto my head. I told him where to go and called him a kn*b. Which I thought was fair enough. So, he picks up the bin again and manages to tip the rubbish all over my head, food and all. Runs out of the room when he sees my fists clench and, as many people here will know.. I hate, hate, hate violence.. I told him to get his scrawny little *** back into the room and he told me to ***** off. Because he knew that I would hit him. My anger was running on an extremely thin thread and he's bloody lucky that I give warnings and chances before I hit people.. He's very lucky that he left the room shortly after.

Only problem with that is, there's no point in telling staff here, because he's moving out today, so he won't get into any trouble for it so.. I'm still really p*ssed off about that and I'm still really on edge today, ready to cry at any given moment.. I just want to sleep all day, don't feel like eating, don't feel like doing anything at all I'm seriosuly losing grip on my lifem aren't I?

I must sound so pitiful and stupid.. I wish I could just chill for 5 minutes..

[lindee]

((((((((((TPND))))))))))

I'm glad you are able to come here to vent. Does it help? There are many here to listen.

Take Care.

[ThePainNeverDies]

It does help to vent, really it does.. Here is the only place I actually feel that I can vent to be honest.. i have no-one IRL that I feel able to vent to, not even Connor because he feels that he's getting the brunt of my anger at other people and I should release my anger on them.

Once again, Abi hasn't turned up for our meeting. Great. Just shows even more how unimportant I am. Grrrr! This is the 5th week we haven't had a meeting!! And She was the one that said to Me to make sure that I was here for the meeting.. She's not! Yeah, she may be interviewing people, or training people, but.. If she can't make it, she could at least re-arrange it! I'm thinking of changing key support workers, I'm fed up of this. It's just making me worse..

Sigh. I have a bad back, bad neck and I'm feeling really sick, low, angry and upset today.. Bad back and neck are because of my damned womanly features. I hate them sometimes. And the other things are just because some people are just proving to me how unimportant I am and how little they actualy care about me and how I feel.

Makes me mad. I'm sick of it.

[nowheretorun]

well, i think the anger you feel is the deep belief you hold that you do matter and the frustration you feel is because you are maneuvering yourself into a location of inner value and you feel you are receiving resistance from others.. and your right, you do matter.... if you can, be kind as you proceed.. rise above those who intentionally harm and extend dis-concern.. you are far better than that

it sounds like you may very well need to change support workers
or at least call your Dr.
anger issues are hard forsure...have to tryed anger managment classes
also setting boundrys for you and your friend. imo
remember you do matter and are worth it

[ThePainNeverDies]

I'm going to. Or at least complain about te fact that we haven't met for 5 weeks in a row. I accept that one week was because I was doing the high ropes challenge, another because seh was training someone and I had a meeting at SWEDA anyway, but the rest are all on her part! It's so unfair!

I don't know of any anger management classes around here tbh. I'm hopefully going to get some work started on these anger issues, though. I'm starting to put my foot down with friends and such, it's proving difficult, but it's got to be done. So.. Hopefully all will be good.. Saturday morning I have a chocolate cake to bake for my Mum's birthday. Funnily enough, a friend was talking about making a cake and having everything but self raising flour. I had the self raising flour but none of what she had! She decided to give me a great recipe her Aunt had given her, so I'm going to make a cake for my Mum because it was her 48th Birthday last week.

It's so sad.. I look at my Mum and I want to cry, because she looks more like a 70 year old.. Anyone wuold think that she's my Gran.. But if anyone at all, says anything about her, no matter whether it's friends or not, that's nasty, I will NOT hold back on letting rip on them. I never insult anyone else in here's parents, so they damn well shouldn't insult mine.

Sigh. Now my IBS is kicking up and causing me pain grrr. I hate stress! and I hate IBS with that too! I guess I hate everything about me right now.. I do rise above it, everytime. Yes, I may let it get to me.. But at least I don't go around smacking people in the face for laughing at me or calling me a d*ckhead or something. Christ, what is this world coming to? No-one has respect for anyone that's nice anymore!

((((ThePainNeverDies)))))))))))))) check with your Dr on the classes they will help you channel your stress which maybe causing the anger. imo
also writting it down may help alot.
Im glad you are baking a cake for your mom
that will make her happy
Pain is very hard to deal with too that in its self maybe causing some anger imo
No one will say anything about your mom ..hopefully...
try not to think about that if you can. focas on something happy like the cake
or take some time for you
hope this helps wishing you the best

[nowheretorun]

to me, that is exactly why you matter ((Pain))) dont let them abuse you, but be clear about what abuse actually is... names and such may not harm physically but we know what it does to us internally... water on our fire.. dont try to fight fire with more of the same.. contain a different type of flame for you and those you love.. speak up, as you are now.. let it be known that harm is not a path to travel when looking for the healing waters.. you are doing fine work for yourself and others.... speak and let what you believe be known.. it makes a difference.. it opens the channels to understanding... im with you... lets end the pain ((Pain))))

[ThePainNeverDies]

Hmm. I'm trying to distract myself from the pain, I'll take some painkillers in a bit to see if it eases off.

Hah! The cheeky Cow! She's just come over to me, 3/4 of an hour LATE and asked me about money! My Rent! Yeah, of course I should pay my rent, taht's fair enough. BUT why should I pay MY rent when i'm not getting the support that I should be getting, that I pay for through my rent, from my KEY SUPPORT WORKER?! It's in the job title and job description! I bet I'LL be the one getting into trouble for not having a meeting with her for 5 weeks in a row! She's not doing a very good job I can tell you that. I wouldn't mind if it was a couple of weeks, but FIVE WEEKS!!?? Nobody should have to go that long without housing support, in SUPPORTED HOUSING!! GRRRRRRR!!

sigh. I'm going to see my dr soon to see about the anger management.. Connor wants me to talk to hikm about a possibility of me having schizophrenia so.. I have to do that anyway. Just.. Grrr. People are so insensitvie sometimes and it really gets on my nerves! Just ONE meeting that's all I ask for, or even an acknowledgement from Abi, asking if things are ok and such like. She never asks when she sees me.

I am going to speak up. I have HAD IT with people using and abusing me, thinking they're just going to get away with it. When I become a part of the governing body, I'm going to ask that all residents folders are checked every few weeks or so, to make sure that meetings are actually happening. They should happen at the very LEAST and hour a WEEK. I only ever get an hour a MONTH with Abi and this time, not even that. More like 20 mins. It makes me sick! People here complain about having to go to meetings, but actually, it a break from sitting watching T.V, lisetning to music, reading, drawing, whatever. It's something different to add into their day.

Maybe I should do a giant lecture to people about this. I think I'd be good at it! Grrr!

I just WISH with all my heart that people would work WITH me for ONCE in my whole life! Blimey! Is that much to ask for?! Just an hour of Abi's time a MONTH?! I don't ask for much.

[nowheretorun]

((Pain))) need to be getting offline to do some chores and whatnot... well, this is exactly the way to go with it imo... we see something that isnt working right and then, with all the confidence we can gather, we speak...

i will never forget a favorite boss of mine.. our relationship still continues.... i would meet with him and discuss the companys' needs... he said so many came to the office with complaints... he said he is aware of the problems... what he really liked was someone who offered solutions.. in that setting, professionalism was how to be heard

[ThePainNeverDies]

I have those solutions, I know I do and I'm going to make sure that my complaints and solutions are heard, because I'm fed up of not being heard now. I have to stand up for what I know in MYSELF is right.

I KNOW that Abi should meet with me for AT LEAST an hour a week. Not 15 minutes. Yeah we may get all the stuff done in 15 minutes, but the other 45 could be spent asking how things are, or going out for a coffee or something. Just something to break away from this garish and boring routine, you know?

It's my turn to take charge over this now.

[ThePainNeverDies]

They've been heard! :woohoo:!! I'm so chuffed!! And I;ve now been made the youngest governor here!!! and I'm the cooking classes teacher and manager double whammy.

BUT then again.. I still feel like I'm on a losing streak with everything else.. Just trying to build it all back up..

Things with my twin have started to look up. I said something along the lines of "Oh dear. Somebody not liking a taste of their own medicine?" and she point blank said.. "Look, Kirst.. I'm sorry I've been a ******.. I just find it really hard hearing you call someone else Mum.. Our Mum's here!!!" I sat there and I swear I almost threw up my own heart! I had to read, re-read, re-read and re-read again. Then write it a hundred times! So.. I said to her "Bry.. Our REAL, DECENT Mum is in Yeovil.. She loves you with all her heart and just wants to meet her Daughter.. You know that.." She accepted it and said she'd go and see Mum at some point, just not yet, she's not ready. So I asked her about what's bothering her and stuffs and she's talking to me about it all! I'm thinking it's way too good to be true! But.. I'm just overcoming the initial shock and helping her out with her man issues.. Dear me..

I KNEW she'd come running to me.. But.. How?! I guess giving her a taste of her own medicine, showing her just how much it hurts, really got to her and made her think about her actions sigh. I just hope it all stays this way, with all the other crappy stuff getting better..

This is all making me ill, all the stuff stressing me out..