[SICKlySweet]

It started last week, I fought not to take the nap in the day. I took it. I didn't get to bed till 12 or 1. The next 2 or 3 days passed I went for another daytime nap. Didn't go to bed till 3 or 4, woke up at about 10 or so. I was doing so well with not napping for a good few weeks.

I haven't worked on any of my workbooks. I haven't written down my "skills", the shittty committy (negative mind chatter) is working itself back up.

I feel disappointed in myself, can't even keep my heart rate up for an hour. Eating too much, till in pain, or eat past the pain.

Keeping myself huddled in bed under the blankets for as long as possible (but no longer on the meds) so I can't sleep into the abyss. I would like that right now.

Watching my old Disney movies repeatedly trying to take myself back to a happier place.

Can't figure out the Mindset I had two years ago in the summer when I was supposedly sicker, and worked out on a mini stepper everyday for 10mins for two weeks. I have a mini stepper here now too, and can't seem to motivate myself to use it.

I motivated myself to stay alive. Thoughts creep back in. Last Thursday, seemed to have a nervous breakdown, and felt quite invalidated as my dad just laughed. I cried like a baby. Made it to the Workshop though, something I was on my way to.

Sunday morning had another Nervous Breakdown, the little crying baby came back, and of course it was in front of dad (on phone) again.

Feeling better than the last three years, so trying to fix the things I let go for soooo long. Like my debt to the book club, and the CD club. Trying to save money too, not happening. I guess that could only work if I had a job. AND yet I know that isn't true. Just because a person has more money added to what they normally have (and what they have is nothing) they will prob have more nothing and be just as or more depressed. I have a budget, I treat myself once a month.

Those two times in the past week where I was emotionally heightened I wanted to go bye bye. Other than that the feeling always passes after 5 mins or so. Feelings I basically dealt with alllll the time. But now twice in less than a week for the first time in a few months.

Guilty feelings today. My fitness dance class allowed for a guest visit (free), and this person I have only run with twice in my area I let her know. She was willing. I reminded her last night by email, she left a message saying she might be late and some other stuff I didn't understand. So with fighting my shittty committy in my mind as I usually do b4 going to Zumba (fitness dance class) I kept thinking whether or not she would show. Having sleep problems, couldn't get up in time for shower. I txted her to say I couldn't make it.... Felt semi-horrible doing it) she txt me back saying it was ok maybe next time. But I still feel guilty.

On here FAR TOO MUCH. Using it to fill my void. Had a certain someone filling my void. I feel if though I am having to explain myself too much. And I don't have to do that for anyone. Like now: I know I have to fix my void within myself to make me happy, noone and not anything can do that ever. Have been doing "healthy" things to fill the lonliness and boredom.

BUT when I add to much, like now it is overwhelming. And yet still facing a void. Depressed. Depressed. Depressed. Now is not the time for a relationship. Only was in two ever, 3 1/2 years ago. None since. Just bad stuff. No girlfriends. No mom. Only dad. No other family. Keep my distance from the neighbors from the last incidents. Transition. Sad. Bored. Anxious. Depressed.


Can't help but feel I am a nuisance to this community. Can never seem to give short little replies or threads. They just draggggg onnnnn. Part of the reason why I feel I am annoying. Or that noone answers my threads. But of course that is not the reason. It is alll in my head.

[kaytibear]

Sorry to hear you are feeling downI hope things start to look up for you

[turquoisesea]

*hugs*
I wanted you to know I did read it all... that the shortness of a reply does not mean much, to me it's the thought behind.

I wanted to say, I am glad you're doing a fitness class, that is good for you. It can be so hard to even get up sometimes.

I'm here way too much also. Filling a void, that's like a black hole, pulling everything in and self destructing when it's done. Kinda. Well that's how it feels. But really it just hurts.

You are not a nuisance. Please continue to post.

Please forgive me, what do you have for a T, you said you're off meds... who gave you meds before...

[SICKlySweet]

Hello TurquoiseSea thanks for the reply.

A Dialetical Behavioral Therapist of 24 years.

My Doctor gave me I think it was Celexa er maybe that was the first one I was on. I can't remember I wasn't on it for long.

The DBT Clinic is Anti-Meds unless there are other underlying illness's that need on-going medication(s)

Plus when they took me off of it last summer, I have not felt so Depressed, and funny cuz I have depression. But it made it worse. I don't want to go back on medication ever.

You know what I really worded that wrong. I was very depressed when on the meds, not once off. I felt soo much better in the depression area. Duhhhh.

[mom483]

Originally Posted by SICKlySweet

Hello TurquoiseSea thanks for the reply.

A Dialetical Behavioral Therapist of 24 years.

My Doctor gave me I think it was Celexa er maybe that was the first one I was on. I can't remember I wasn't on it for long.

The DBT Clinic is Anti-Meds unless there are other underlying illness's that need on-going medication(s)

Plus when they took me off of it last summer, I have not felt so Depressed, and funny cuz I have depression. But it made it worse. I don't want to go back on medication ever.

Hi Sicklysweet,
I read your post - all the way to the end - and I can empathize with you!
I have been where you are soooooooooo many times. Too many to count! So many nights I sat and cried hoping my life would be over... THAT was a long time ago. Now, I work full time, my kids are almost grown, and I finally have a home of my own. And NO, it did not happen overnight. It took a long time. But it began with me taking control over my life, rather than allowing others dictate what they thought was best for me.
I understand and respect your desire to have drug free therapy.

I have been on too many drugs to count but it wasn't until we found the right combination that I began to feel like a human being. I was originally diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety with panic disorder. I couldn't leave my house for 2 years - try doing that when you are raising kids! I would go to the doctor and get the little pat on the head with the new script saying try this and you'll be fine... UGH!!!! So I got online and did my own research. I took it in to the doctors. When the doctor wouldn't listen, I kept searching for one who would listen to me and would work with me rather than command what I do.

In my search, I found a lot of my depression and anxiety stemmed form PMS. 10 years ago, if you took information into your doctor from the internet, they did look at you like you were crazy! I was told by one doctor, "I am the doctor, you are the patient. I know more than you and this stuff from the internet is nothing but garbage." That information I gave her was about PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) - ever see a "Yaz" birth control pill commercial? I never went back to that doctor again - and, yes, she was a woman!

It was a Physician's assistant who pegged my problems with PMS and prescribed birth control pills for me. It was like someone waved a magic wand! Suddenly, I was not anxious, I could go places, do things and even be happy about it! WHO KNEW???? I later saw an endocrinologist who diagnosed me with PCOS - polycystic ovarian syndrome - and a neurologist who diagnosed me with a pituitary tumor. A new psychiatrist got me new meds and I began my life.

I have been through numerous psychiatrists, specialists, counselors, and regular doctors. Countless meds, tests, and yes, I even did my time in the psych ward with shock treatment (13 rounds to be exact)

My point is this: Don't stop searching for answers and don't take no for an answer. You will find what works for you- just never give up! The answer is out there waiting for you to find it.

Good luck!

[trevorzero]

Of course you are not annoying and of course you are not a nuisance. Most people here would enjoy seeing more from you, not less.

[SICKlySweet]

I remember I was on Effexor. Bleck.

[turquoisesea]

am with you there. Antidepressants didn't help me either. I know they help alot of people but sometimes... no good. For me it was the side effects. BAD side effects that were as bad as the depression. So it didn't really help the depression and added something bad to it! Great!

Definitely talk to your therapist, maybe there's another med that could work, I know you don't want to try again but if it does get REALLY bad you can always go to a psychiatrist and try something new.

Maybe your T has some ideas to help too.

One random thing, dunno if you've ever tried full spectrum lights? they are supposed to help for seasonal effective and they're not that expensive if you just get light bulbs, I like the ones I got, they're so much brighter

sorry I don't have many ideas atm but sending hugs